A
female
age
26-29,
*uliaOlivver
writes:I'm on a very difficult situation lately. I've known my best friend for 7 years and we've been through ups and downs but this time, I had enough. A few days ago, I was thinking about my friendship with my (best friend) and I've realized that I've been such an idiot that I've been blind with what she had been doing to me. First of all, every time I dont do well at my work she gets satisfied and won't give Me any motivation, I mean she really gets happy when things won't go the way I planned. Secondly, she always wants to know what I've been talking about with the guy I'm dating. She's way too clingy and wants to know EVERYTHING I've been up to and she always wants to come to my house to hangout. The most annoying thing about her is, she wants to be me. And it makes me really sick. Literally, she wants to wear what I wear, wants to listen to the music I listen to, she wants to have hobbies the same as mine, she wants to cut her hair like me, basically she just needs to change her name into mine so that she could just be me she even started smoking once ive started too. She's driving me crazy and my mom always contacts her to hangout with me when my mom notices that I'm being distant from my friend. I'm finding it impossible to get rid of her, and I have no idea what to do. Every time we fight she cries and says that she can't live without a friend like me. But literally, she is getting on my nerves and I can't handle any second with her. What should I do ?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 March 2017):
 Have you spoke to your mum about this? I mean yes I feel sorry for the girl she obviously has low self esteem and is lonely. She also admires you very much. However it doesn't sound like you want to be friends with her any more. Therefore speak to your mother and then tell the girl you are sorry but the friendship is drifting apart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2017): I had a friend who controlled and manipulated me for 22 years. She was a good friend and good company when she got her own way i.e. me round her house or out with her. Every single night for 22 years she didn't leave me alone. If I didn't pick up (no mobiles in those days) she rang and rang and rang. I worked six days a week and early evenings three evenings do didn't have the energy (or the money)to go out to escape the phone. If I said I wanted to stay in, she gave me the guilt trip of a lifetime. If I did manage to get my own way (sounds ridiculous I know, but she was suffering with depression and had been a good friend), she sometimes managed to get someone to drive her to my house. When I got married, I moved about an hour away with the express intention of getting far enough away. She complained loudly and then came over EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY NIGHT until Sunday evening or Monday morning. Twice I got a serious boyfriend and twice she tried to sabotage it. Once she screamed the house down all evening and I didn't get to meet my boyfriend for the first date until midnight. Thankfully he'd known her for longer than I had and so understood what she was like. At age 34, she threw a tantrum on new year's day and some people came to get me, telling me she was going off on one again and that she wanted me to drive her home. That was it. After many nights, days and evenings that she had made hell for me, I knew I just couldn't take it anymore. Even though we had been friends forever, even though a mutual friend called me and explained that her behaviour was caused by a chemical imbalance in her brain and begged me not to desert her, I knew that was it.Whether your friend suffers with low self esteem or this or that or whatever,.....it is not your problem. It is hers. If you WANT to cut her out of your life, then do so and don't look back. She is not your responsibility. And if your Mum interferes, then tell her she can hang out with her. I wish I had done it. I honestly think my whole life could have taken a different turn if I hadn't spent 22 years in her lounge. I spent four days feeling awful and then never thought about her again. I ran into her years later and she suggested meeting for a coffee. I thought it would be nice to catch up. I gave her my number and as we were both going away for the weekend she said she would call me Sunday evening. When I got in on Sunday evening she had already called four times. IN ONE HOUR. I realised that what I was imagining (meeting her every few months for a chat...lovely), was not what she was imagining. I called her and told her I had changed my mind and was sorry. I saw her about a year ago, with some of the same friends we had back then. She survived, probably did better than she would have done if I'd been around. She was friendly and happy and tried to arrange a meet up, but I politely changed the subject and we parted. It's a shame, I would have loved to have had her as a friend, but not as someone who tried to take over my life. Don't worry, she'll be fine. More importantly, you'll be happy. It is your life, not hers. Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2017): You don't keep people around as friends out of force of habit, or because you need fans.
You wrote a post about how your friend annoys you, copies everything you do, and she's very clingy. You wanted to know what to do about it. You accused her of wanting to be you.
You're apparently outgrowing the friendship, and now you're complaining. No one says you have to ditch your friend, just set some ground rules and boundaries. If she doesn't respect your boundaries, she doesn't respect you as a friend. She is insisting on taking over your life; because she doesn't know how to have one of her own.
Ignore the advice you've been given. Let annoyance be your guide. Once you get frustrated, you'll say and do mean things in anger. You can only take it so long, before she drives you nuts. She's really not being a friend, she's being a parasite; and drawing off your energy. Until you correct the situation, you'll hold it in, until you snap. That's when you'll end your friendship. It will be in anger.
You have to set boundaries when people don't know how far they should go. When they cross those boundaries, they are telling you they're the one in control of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): What kind of best friend is this?
She is behaving badly and then manipulating you to forgive her and keep her in your life.
It is up to you to go no contact.
No matter what she says or does.
The power is yours.
Cut her off. She will get over it. And my guess is she would find someone else to control and make miserable with her presence. It won't be you anymore.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 Stop calling her your friend, first off. It's clear to me that you are not her friend. You find her annoying. She was a childhood friend of yours which you have now outgrown.
Friendships should be treasured and valued, but there is a limit to what constitutes as a friendship and what is not. This appears to have moved from a friendship between equals, to a one sided obsession and you trying to escape.
Tell your mom you have outgrown the friendship and that you are trying to cut down contact. That you are happy to keep contact with her and be friendly, but not to the degree she wishes. So your mother needs to stop meddling.
Second, don't talk to your "friend" about this any more. You already tried. She cried. She knows you are trying to cut her lose. Don't make this harder on yourself or her. Just phase it out. Don't answer her every call. Reply back a few hours later. Maybe even a day or two later. This sends the strong signal that you need more space. It also avoids her being able to show up at your doorstep whenever she pleases. If you are slow to reply, visits will need to be planned days, if not week or months, in advance. And as such, they will have to be more seldom, as a result of you being slow to reply.
Your friend will eventually adapt to the new routine, or she will drop you because she seeks more active friendships. Either case is fine.
Or you can do the "break-up" and do it proper this time. But I would be careful with burning all bridges. It could be that she just needs time to cool down and find her own path in life. At this age, you and her are both undergoing big changes from childhood to adulthood. You are both trying to become new people. Friction isn't unusual. I would recommend that you add more space between you and her, and then just see what happens. Maybe the friendship can come back and be great, once you are both figured out your new roles in an adult friendship, and not a childhood friendship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2017):
 I don't know if I would cut her off completely, but I do think I'd take a break from being around her for a while - start being busy doing other things. Now I wouldn't LIE to her and SAY you are busy (if you are not) but I would start to BECOME busy. That way she will HAVE ti find her own "entertainment" and stop trying to live vicarious through you.
There are SO many worse things friends can do than copying you, you know that right? Still, if it annoys you to a point where you don't WANT to spend time with her, then don't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): Young people in your age-group are still in a growth and development process. Trying to find themselves and develop a personality. Your mind is still developing from a child into an adult. That takes time, well into your 20's. Even beyond that for some people.
Some people have a case of "arrested development;" where their psychological-growth slows down a little, and they become confused which direction to turn. They get lost. That is usually for the lack of role-models, they get very little attention and guidance from their parents, have a dysfunctional-family, and very low self-esteem.
They compensate by assuming the identity of someone they admire most, like a celebrity; and sometimes it is their best friend. They may create a persona compromised of many different fake personality-traits. They color their hair, wear weird styles, and become rebellious or creepy. They are usually loners. Once they find a friend, they become very attached and dependent. They are loyal to the end.
From what you describe it seems you are her only friend, and she doesn't really have the confidence to shine on her own. She sees what works for you, so she is trying to use it.
Cloning herself after you might seem necessary to her; but like you said, it's annoying. Her clinginess to you is because she hasn't matured enough to be independent, or seek any other friends. So she hangs on to the one friend she has already made. Almost to the point of smothering and annoying you to death.
This is hard, but you have to ween her off like a mother has to put the baby down and let her cry. Children have to learn independence. When you were a toddler, you wanted to be held in your mother's arms; and you cried when she left the room until she came back for you. She made you feel safe and secure. Well, your friend is going through a prolonged-phase of that childhood development. I've read sometimes mothers let go too soon; and some children never get over it. They feel rejected and abandoned. The research on it is contradictory, but at some point you do have to let a child learn you can't hold them all day and around the clock; just because they'll otherwise throw a tantrum.
An 18-21 year-old should be well beyond this stage.
You mentioned her mother is always pushing her off on you. She has no other place to go. You've been adopted as her second-mother and baby-sitter. It's not fair. You both should have many friends, and be able to date and do your own thing.
You have to be tougher and tell her everything that was mentioned in your post. You have to stop being wishy-washy and trying to find someone else to do it for you. It isn't going to be easy, and you're going to have to learn how to make people respect your boundaries; or they will take-over your life.
Start with her being too clingy and not giving you your space and time alone. Tell her you will not discuss the details of your dates, it's private; and her tears and whining isn't going to work anymore. Then you have to be tough enough to stop letting her manipulate you with pouting.
Ignore her calls. Respond later. If she comes over uninvited, do not be mean to her. Tell her that you don't feel like company today and you will call her. If she refuses to leave; tell her if she doesn't respect your wishes, the friendship is over for good. You're not little kids anymore.
Most of this is because you're angry and annoyed on the one hand; but you don't take a stand when it counts. You just tell her how annoyed you are, or snap at her. Say it and mean it and ignore the tears and pouting.
If you're going to keep giving in to it, stop complaining.
You have to backup what you say, or it is meaningless or totally ignored. As she has shown you. She forces herself on you, and refuses to step-off. So you have to be just as persistent.
Text her ahead and tell her you have plans and you don't have time to hang-out. You really wish she would understand that you can't always have her around; she has to make other friends she can spend time with.
It isn't up to you to raise her and offer her ideas on style and such. That's what she has a mother for. She has as much access to social media and style magazines as you do.
If she and her mother or family aren't close, that's not your problem. She has latched on to you, and you can only shake loose of her tight-grip by being firm and consistent when you tell her to leave you alone, and give you some space.
Ignore the things she does copying you. Once you distance yourself, that will stop automatically. She may have a few issues to get through as a young woman; but she can't drag your life down in the process.
She admires you. You seem so cool to her. She wishes she could be as outgoing and date boys like you do so easily. So be kind to her feelings, but don't be manipulated.
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A
female
reader, JuliaOlivver +, writes (13 March 2017):
JuliaOlivver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf you were me would you cut her off completely or what? I don't know if I'm overreacting or doing the right thing to ditch my best friend I've been with for 7 years. Should I do it for my own dignity and in order to avoid negativity?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2017):
Talk to your mom.
Tell her that you feel you NEED a break from THAT friend so please STOP inviting her over. If she asks why explain that you feel you and the friend have grown apart and honestly? Your mom shouldn't meddle in this.
Again, I think your mom's intentions are good as well but it's not helpful.
Then TAKE A break from this friend. Go get busy with life. Some friends are for life, some are not.
As far as your friend wanting ALL the details of your relationships- JUST say no? Say: "it's really none of your business" or "I don't feel it's something I want to share". She can then get all pouty, but that doesn't mean yo uOWE her a play by play.
YOU need to stand up for yourself. If you feel this is no longer a healthy or positive friendship then let it run out in the sand, take a bit of a "vacation" from it or end it.
I would NEVER invite any of my daughter's friends to come over without making sure MY daughters wanted it. So definitely start by talking to your mom.
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A
female
reader, JuliaOlivver +, writes (13 March 2017):
JuliaOlivver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did,but she acts clueless, she says ' Do I really do the things you do? / Do I really copy you?) I did confront her but it had always been pointless. I do agree that she suffers from low self esteem but, she won't let me have my own private life. When it comes to relationships and dating other guys, she wants to know every single detail(where we went or what we were talking about). I do think that my relationships should be a private thing to me, I have no problem telling her where I went with my date, but telling her what we were talking about or showing her my phone to see the texts? This is way too much. And if I refuse to tell her, she gets sad and says (I'm your friend and you shouldn't hide anything from me if you trust me).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2017):
I actually think this is very common for young people in they teens/20's to not know their own identity yet. Your friend hasn't found WHO she really is, only that she looks up to you for who YOU are.
First, realize that the people who are prone to this behavior is most likely suffering from extreme insecurity, low to no self-esteem, and is having a hard time trusting his or her own instincts.
Emulating and copying you is NOT done out of malice, but in hopes that if she can look like you, talk like you, be your "clone" she will have a life as great as yours.
Being happy when you "fail" at work, again I don't think it's malice - more of a she is "happy" to see you are "human" - that YOU TOO can fail. Which in itself is not the greatest way of being a good friend.
As for style choices, well, I'm sure you get your idea from "it-girls", magazines, trends, Instagram etc. SHE just skips that step and looks at you. Again, it's normal to SEE outfits, hairstyles etc on your friends and think UH I like that!
Her copying you doesn't make you LESS unique, chic or special. And when people see the PAIR of you, it's NOT hard to spot the copycat and the "original".
First, realize that the people who are prone to this behavior is most likely suffering from extreme insecurity, low to no self-esteem, and is having a hard time trusting his or her own instincts.
Have you tried talking to her? Telling her how it makes you feel?
She isn't trying to replace you, she just wants her life to be more like yours.
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