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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone! I have a bit of a problem that's kind of pathetic but is really troubling me. I'm getting married to my fiancé, who I've been with for 4 years, and we both are virgins. I'm terrified of having sex for the first time with him, because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do or how to get everything started. My best friend thinks I'm over-thinking it, she may be right. I talked to my fiancé about it. I asked if he had any worries or thoughts or anything he'd like to share with me and he said that he's a bit nervous but otherwise excited. I'm just really confused about the whole ordeal. (For instance, are supposed to have sex on the actual wedding night or on the honeymoon? We're leaving for our honeymoon the next day.)I just really need some help and tips on how to relax and not make a fool out of myself. Please help? Thank you so much.ND
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (7 July 2010):
Marriage is forever, right? Then you have plenty of time to learn how to make it pleasurable for each other! Making love is something you do WITH your partner - not something you do TO him, or that he does to you.
From a physiological standpoint there are some good reasons to NOT have sex on your wedding night. But even when couples know this, probably 99% (or more) - especially those who waited - have sex on their wedding night.
My wife and I waited until our wedding night before we had sex. We talked a little bit beforehand about postponing our first first coupling, but I think we both realized that no matter what we may say, there WOULD be sex on our first night together. Even though our first intercourse was not very good sex, there were mental and emotional aspects of giving our virginities to each other that somehow made us "officially married" - and I wouldn't change anything if we could do it over again.
For the record, most women report that their first sexual intercourse was somewhere between "very uncomfortable" and "hurt like hell". Something like half of all women say they bled enough to notice.
I hope you have been able to spend some time - any where from several days, to a few months - learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc.
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (In fact, her first time and my first time were the same time.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented here on this Forum - the question probably gets asked a couple times every month. There used to be an article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) that was excellent! I'd call it a must-read for you and your B/F except that it has vanished from [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]
My wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): One word: Lubrication! Bring along a tube or two for the honeymoon (there's a fun shopping trip for the two of you--
buying two or three kinds of lube to try out! ;)
I prefer K-Y Jelly because it's thick (and I have a narrow vagina, even my Dr said so). I was really scared the first time too! I wish I had had a tube o' lube back then. I use a dab each time, and wow does it ever help me enjoy sex.
Good luck! (And I agree-- don't worry about doing it on the wedding night. Do it when you both are ready. You have the rest of your lives to enjoy each other).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): Just let PASSION take over and ride the waves, in non romantic words get stuck in! whoops!or say that to him and enjoy.
Not a time to THINK but a time to FEEL.
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A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 Avoid making a fool of yourself be making your wedding night your own, not a stock narrative. Do what feels right then; sex isn't like the wedding: there is no official procedure involved, no cutting of the cake, no garter belt. Do what you want! Best, Kama
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Buy a copy of "The Joy of Sex".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Men love oral sex! If you want to keep him forever, read up on it....learn it, love to do it. Do it whenever he wants...trust me
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (30 June 2010):
 You don't HAVE to have sex on your wedding night, you know. It's true that most couples expect it and look forward to it, but if you are both feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed by your wedding celebrations, plus getting packed and ready to leave on your honeymoon, it might be better to wait until you arrive at your destination and can be more relaxed......whatever is most comfortable for the two of you.
Kissing, cuddling, fondling; snuggling together in bed, getting gradually used to sleeping (literally) with each other and fondling one another - all over, not just (but certainly including) each other's breasts/chest, penis, his testicles, etc., and letting him/you explore with fingers or tongue - all of this is normal and just fine PROVIDED you both enjoy and accept what's going on.......when he penetrates you for the first time, it probably will hurt a little and you'll bleed when your hymen is broken. That's normal - so he should go gently.
Of course I guess you know about using good birth control until such time as you are prepared to get pregnant?
Finally, don't worry too much or overthink this! Relax and you'll be just fine.......congratulations and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Everyone I know had sex on their wedding night, except for the one or two that got too drunk and passed out b-4 then. I would advise you to just quit thinking about it. I know how nervous you can be, but the more you think about it the more nervous you will get. The night after your wedding just enjoy it with your husband, if it starts leading towards that special moment, just go with your feelings. The first time is always better when the woman does what she feels rather than analyze every second of the act. By the way, congratulations on getting engaged!!
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