A
male
age
51-59,
*hidias
writes:My girlfriend insists on wearing previous engagement rings -- yes, she has a few of them -- when we go out together. When I introduced her to my family, my sister took me aside and asked if I had something to tell her ... of course she drew the natural but incorrect conclusion. So I've asked her not to wear a ring, or at least to wear it on her other hand, when we are together. She thinks I'm "jealous" of her past, but I think I'm asking her to be respectful of our current relationship. Any thoughts?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2009):
 Thanks for the follow up. I would grant her the first one, from her dead fiance, on the right hand ring finger, or any other finger but the left ring finger. The other ones, well, I guess they are hers now, but I still question what's going through her head when she slides one of those onto that engagement finger. That's a deliberate act. Maybe she can justify it by saying that's the finger the rings fit, but they can easily be resized. So as she slides that ring on that finger, she's decided that she's willing to put you in an uncomfortable and awkward situation where you have to explain things, and dismisses your reasonable request, just on principle. Hmmmm.
You were very nice to defend her, but she still sounds like a pain to me. Good luck!
A
male
reader, rateyourlove0727  +, writes (27 February 2009):
Most of the answers are correct pertaining to removing the engagement ring/s. Irregardless how significant they are, being with you is MORE SIGNIFICANT, so it should be ordinary for a wise woman to take off previous rings and wait for YOUR RING! It is the most honorable thing to do for your partner. That means she has respect for you. Tell her how you feel about it. Listen to her, ask her why she is wearing it. That discussion will clear everything out.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 February 2009):
Ok, if it was a tragic dead boyfriend then I could understand it. But she's moved on and promised to marry another man and then actually married a third one... so it kind of loses the significance.
I'd really talk to her about it and say that you can't be with a woman who openly wears a symbol of being attached to not one but THREE other men. You want her to be yours.
Offer to have them made into a beautiful necklace, but if she won't take them off then you have to wonder if she will ever truly want to be just yours, or if you're just going to be ring number 4 to bother her next boyfriend with.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I can understand the 1st one, but the other 2 are 'eh'. For a little perspective from me, if I were to marry man that was married before, I would want us to buy a new bed, because I wouldn't want to be sleeping in the same bed as them with all their memories. Maybe this is more a woman thing than guy. You've got the right perspective, you have her and they don't.
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Ok after reading that followup that occured before I wrote my reply that I didn't see because we did it around the same time, I am loosing my stance a little.. I can see a little more to why you may be with her.. This few.. is only 3.. and have some decent reasoning behind them. The fact still remains though that she is disrespecting your current relationship with you by respecting her previous relationships with other guys.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (26 February 2009):
No woman thinks that egagement rings have no significance so she can't be naïve about this. X
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (26 February 2009):
Personally, I don't know why you are continuing this relationship. I'd be concerned if my gf had a lot of engagement rings. It means that she has been engaged for each ring she had. It would get me to think if she just couldn't commit or if the guy broke it off because she stopped wearing his ring because she felt like wearing some other bloke's ring because she felt like it one day. BUt she is being unreasonable. Even if it were out of jealousy, you'd be right that she has no right to be wearing these.. It's about respect of the current relationship you are in. The past should stay in the past. I think you are better off moving on and finding a new relationship. I just don't see this one going anywhere. IMO
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A
male
reader, Phidias +, writes (26 February 2009):
Phidias is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll excellent answers and none defend the behaviour. To fill in more detail: one was from a fiance who died before the wedding, the next fiance told her to keep it, and the third was from her ex-husband. I really wouldn't care if she wore them on her other hand, and I would even pay for them to be used in a necklace or other jewelry. I was curious about women's viewpoints ... certainly she can't be naive about the significance. I'm not the jealous type, after all I have her and they don't ... it's just that it makes no sense to me. I'll bring it up again and then make a decision.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2009):
Emily, now THAT is brilliant. Great idea! Poster, what she said.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (26 February 2009):
 I'd dump her, it's disrespectful, and it shows you that she really doesn't have a clue about relationships.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 This should be a massive warning sign to you! If she has got engaged a few times, and keeps all of the rings, then she clearly is just getting engaged for the sake of the jewellery!
And i have never heard of a woman who would continue to wear the ring on that finger once the relationship has ended! This behaviour is not at all acceptable and if she doesnt stop, you should seriously consider getting out of this relationship. You may just end up being another piece of jewellery on her finger!
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 February 2009):
I think Tisha's badges idea is brilliant, but you would end up with a LOT of badges so I would suggest a T-shirt instead.
I would check that her ex's are all alive and she isn't a big black widow who kills for life insurance money.
Either that or wear massive T-shirts with photos of your ex girlfriends on. Really nice photos of you together where she looks GORGEOUS. You'll soon find out if it's wrong to be "jealous of a partners past."
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2009):
Oh, forgot to add, I think most sensible women would return an engagement ring if it didn't work out. The fact that she has so many and has kept them? Hmmmm.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2009):
I think she's the one who is out of line here. Are you quite sure she's not wearing them to torque you up? Tell her that you took a poll of an anonymous group of women and they virtually unanimously agreed that she was being obtuse about this. Yes, the left ring finger signals it's an engagement. She knows this, it's basic. Maybe this stubborn streak in her accounts for the quantity of engagement rings? Or perhaps this is her really blatant attempt to get one out of you?
Fine, if she insists on wearing the rings when she's out with you, I would have some buttons made and wear them on your jacket. They would say
"No, we are not engaged"
"The ring on her finger is from an ex"
"I don't know why she wears it"
"I've asked, but she insists on wearing it"
"Yes, it is driving me crazy"
"Yes, I'm having second thoughts"
Obviously, you would wear stacked in that order.
Perhaps that will drive home your point? You can say you mean no disrespect, you're just fending off the inevitable questions that she prompts by being oblivious and indifferent to your feelings on the subject.
Good luck with this one, she sounds like a pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): ....and yes, please do keep us updated. I'm very interested to know what happens here. The more I think about it, the more I cannot believe this is acceptable behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I think she is being very hurtful; I have some jewellery from my ex, but I never wear it now, and would certainly never do such a think in front of my fiance. It seems to me that she is showing off a bit, trying so say "look how much people have liked ME in the past". I think it is very childish, and maybe she os even setting you a challenge, basically trying to say to you that to stop her wearing the old rings, you need to get her a new one. Please don't be pushed into this though. Gina however makes a good point when she notes how many such rings your gf owns. I personally would return an engagement ring if the relationship broke up, bu that's just my opinion. You need to ask her to stop doing it, especially if she is wearing them on her engagement finger. It's nothing to do with jealousy, I think it's plain disrespectful. If she claims that you are being jealous, then you might suggest to her that if her past was so good and she wants to remember it by wearing the rings, then perhaps she should go back to whoever gave them to her. I think that might make her think. You could also buy yourself a new shirt, and claim it's an old one that a girlfriend gave you. Tell her it's your favourite shirt...she'll want to know where it came from and won't be happy if it was someone else. But seriously, she needs to stop doing this, I think it's a big deal. And if she won't then you need to stop going out and about with her for a while until she gets the message.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (26 February 2009):
 You are absolutely correct with your request and your reasoning was quite legitimate. Her motives may not necessarily be "bragging" about her past relationship, but that she simply likes diamonds! LOL
If she does love jewelry, especially diamonds (which I presumend her engagment rings are), perhaps you could suggest that she turned her engament rings into other type of jewelry, like a pendant/necklace, or earrings, or brooch. If she refused, then yes, I would suspect that there is a hidden "agenda" behind her keeping those rings (higher pawn value? LOL).
Just my two cents worth of thoughts :-)
Cat
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 I think she is completely ou of line. My BF has a little bit of a problem if I even wear a really nice ring on my left ring finger. I cannot imagine how he would feel if I went walking around wearing my old engagement ring.
I don't know about her motives. Maybe she is trying to make you jealous to get you to propose, maybe she feels some sense of power over her ex by wearing the jewelry he wasted money on. Who knows.
I think you are being more than reasonable with your request. I think it would be pushing it even if she just kept them in a jewelry box as keepsakes, but she has stepped over the line.
I know you love her, but I would tell her flat out that either the rings go (out of sight), or you go. It is unhealthy for her to be hanging on to them in such a way.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (26 February 2009):
She should wear them on another finger or not at all, this is unacceptable and shows lack of respect for you and for the relationship. Explain to her that you are not jealous however you do feel like a fool when she wears them! Keep me updated!! X
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