A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex broke up with me in a text message and wouldn't call me to discuss it until I called her. Then she promised another call that never came. Finally I emailed her asking for closure and she gave it to me, saying she'd want nothing more than for us to be friends. Since then we've spoken a few times and she's sought my advice about her resume/cover letter and how to compose herself on the interview with the occasional forced conversation in between. At first she claimed the relationship would only be one-sided and that I'd not contact her unless she contacted me first and then mocked me saying that I only called her when I had a purpose (which happened to be to offer good luck on her interview). I've recently come to believe that she is either seeing someone or it's a full-fledged relationship. In the last week we haven't spoken as much.If she doesn't want a relationship with me and has moved on to someone else, why keep me in the loop? Why check up on me, keep tabs? What's in it for her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): thanks everyone. i've been holding on so tight for something that i think i knew two weeks after she sent that text in October wasn't the person i fell in love with. and it all happened so fast, in the course of a month or so. i feel slightly weak because when she gave me the closure i asked for in the email last month, she offered the olive branch of friendship which took for the wrong reason. so for me to now all of a sudden recant and take it back i feel i'll look even more pathetic than i already do. but that's not the case at all is it? there's no dishonor in empowering oneself.live and love and learn to love again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): thanks everyone. i've been holding on so tight for something that i think i knew two weeks after she sent that text in October wasn't the person i fell in love with. and it all happened so fast, in the course of a month or so. i feel slightly weak because when she gave me the closure i asked for in the email last month, she offered the olive branch of friendship which took for the wrong reason. so for me to now all of a sudden recant and take it back i feel i'll look even more pathetic than i already do. but that's not the case at all is it? there's no dishonor in empowering oneself.live and love and learn to love again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Its time to let this bitch go. She's stringing you along because she can. Its unfortunate and it hurts, but what's your alternative? Hanging onto her forever when she's clearly not interested? Putting yourself through agony while she's having the time of her life?
Frankly speaking, I don't think you're in love with her at all, because the person you described isn't at all who you fell in love with. You're in love with the IDEA of her and the comfort of her being in your life... but the person she is? You're not in love with that at all. After all, the person you think you love would never have treated you like, would she?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): It seems to me like you're trying very hard to justify her actions to yourself and us. It's not going to work on us as we're not emotionally attached to this situation.
You really are deluding yourself by making so many excuses for her actions, I'd like to believe she is all those things you say she is, but the evidence just doesn't add up.
You thinking she's upset or feeling guilty for moving on and dating again, when you haven't learned to let go, is a bit of a ridiculous notion, if you ask me.
It's more likely she's feeling sorry for you because she treated you like dirt and you still haven't gotten the message, you're still hanging on her every word and sitting by the phone waiting for her to call.
The last couple of sentences in your last post show me that you've completely lost perspective on this, you were with her 5 years and she dumps you by text and you're defending her at every turn, you've got it bad man.
You're obsessed and have lost touch with reality, in my opinion.
It's been five months and you're still analysing every single little word she says and even though practically everything she says translates into "leave me alone" you don't see that and twist what she's saying into something positive for yourself "she's unable to handle the guilt...it's hard for her to let go" like there's actually still a chance for you.
I hate to burst your bubble but there isn't and she HAS let go.
If I was your friend I'd slap you in the face and tell you to snap out of it, because you're obsessed to the point of delusion and that's a very dangerous thing my friend, it will ruin you, if don't get a grasp.
"but I guess it's time" I bet you've said a million times in the past five months and I bet a million times you've you've made up a reason to ignore it, I just hope this time, for you, is the last.
I wish you luck with this, it is always hard to let go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): People should treat each other with courtesy.When you keep away from her and she calls you again for help,do not call her names.Its not going to help(change) her nor you.Outrage can be expressed in different ways too.Silence is the worst punishment of all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe didn't lie about seeing anyone, she's just moving on. When we spoke after not talking for a few months (b/c she asked for space) she told me that my not pursuing her during that time i made it 'easy for her' and she just assumed i was okay with everything. total crap!
i agreed (like a fool) to help her with her master's thesis that's due on april. after her interview i texted her asking if she could talk and she didn't answer until monday (which she apologized for, saying she 'couldn't talk' but i know what that meant). she then proceeded to ask me what i did that weekend and why i sounded mad and like i didn't want to talk. i told her i had nothing to be mad about and that if my texting or calling was a problem for her i'd stop. her answer was 'why would it be a problem?' i then offered to take her out for coffee or caramels should she receive the position. she said, 'what's that?' i told her it was candy and she said, 'why would i want that?'
i drew the line there and said forget about it. she then, of course had to cut the call short, to which i said, 'yeah, that's it? you got to go?' and she said she'd call later or the next day but i've since given up on that since i've heard all that before.
i think she's unable to handle the guilt of knowing i'm in pain while she's happily dating away so I don't expect she'll forward her thesis to me (and if she does i'll tell her i'm too busy) nor do i expect to hear from her.
she's not a terrible person. she's just young and inexperienced. we've been together for five years and we've experienced more than most married couples. it's hard for her to let go just as much as it has been for me.
but i guess it's time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 She broke up with you by TEXT????? And you're still speaking to her??????
She's either a coward or selfish bitch. But a true coward wouldn't be able to ask you for help after she dumped you by text. A bitch would break up by text, and would still continue to use you as needed.
You're going to have to face the fact that the girl you were crazy about and still want back is a selfish bitch. If she mocked you, then she's a rude selfish bitch. If she'd been seeing someone else behind your back, why then she's a rude selfish cheating bitch. If she lied to you about that, then she's a rude selfish lying cheating bitch. Do you see where I'm going here?
You have got to find the anger that is in there, inside you. Where's your sense of outrage? Find it, harness it, and use it to move on. Hurting doesn't help you let go, that anger will.
What is scary? I think the only scary thing is admitting that you were taken in by her, that you trusted her with your heart and she stomped on it in the most disrespectful way. By TEXT! Sorry, my sense of outrage is running high here.
Don't waste one more minute ciphering on her motives; that is wasted energy now, and only holds you back. If you find yourself starting to obsess about it, try to find a way to derail that train of thought. It'll take some effort, some practice, but you can do it.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis has been going on for five months and I've refused to accept the end. Now I think I really have no other choice. It's scary. For a month now I've been only thinking about what I can do to get her to want me again, to care for me as she once did. I hate the cliches, I hate the whole let them go crap.
But what's the alternative?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): She's a bitch, simple as that.
She wants to keep you on a leash and you're letting her.
Forget what you think she might be doing and focus on what she actually is, she is treating you like crap and you're letting her.
Why keep you in the loop? Because she can, because you're useful to her, she can treat you as bad as she wants and you'll still help her when she needs it.
She's not checking up on you, she's making sure she still has power over you, so she can continue to use you.
I've already explained what's in it for her, now you have to seriously consider what's in it for you. The answer is nothing.
I must say, in my opinion "just friends" isn't going to work for you, would you treat a friend that way?
Best to gain some perspective on the situation and see her for the bitch that she is, you're better off not having anything further to do with her. If she's gonna continue treating you like dirt.
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