A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my ex-gf has been trying to maintain a friendly contact with me. I have ignored her for the most part because I told her I do not do the friend thing with exes. We work together so it has been hard, and although I have maintained a professional relationship with her; she still text me to keep the friendship; but I have ignored any text of her unless it's related to work. I know for a fact that she is already dating another girl, so it has hurt me deeply. But, I understand that we couldn't have never been happy together since I wouldn't come out of the closet. Today, I saw her at a meeting from work and once more time she tried to stay friends by texting me. She texted me about how I have ignored her, and how I don't text her outside work or talk to her. I simply replied: please stop the nonsense, I am here if you ever need me.. and when it comes to work well we just have to deal with it. She wants to get together to clear the Air, and threatened me to delete my phone number.I am confused. I have been very clear that I want to maintain a professional relationship with her and that's about it. But she insist on being friends. If she is in another relationship already; why is she doing this?? My job is important to me and if she continues acting stupid is going to interfere with my career and I am just afraid that she might act on it. I still love her and care about her deeply... and I will not tell her that I am still in love with her but I did told her that I am here for whatever she needs...I am so confused... Can somebody explain what's happening? She is my first girl relationship that I ever had and I am not used to all this drama and non-sense, for real... I am getting tired of it.. but unfortunately we work together... Any advice??
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 No you can't hold her hand while you heal, you are right.
No contact can be agony for a few weeks but after that, you gain momentum and can keep moving foward.
I am sorry this happened to you. Early acceptance can save us a lot of heartache but you need to avoid contact because it will reopen the wounds.
New love will come again xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEm: You are right we are both women. I am a women and my ex is a women; but to be honest the concept is the same. There is always a dumper and the dumped. I am the dumped, so yes I agree, I have to man up, and just let her go and not contact her ever.. which I was already doing, but she was texting me and it would make things worse for me. I think that she finally got the point that I can't hold her hand while I heal.. it's stupid.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 October 2013):
Wise Owl...she's not a man...she is a woman...the OP is a woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): I know exactly how you feel. She keeps you going back and forth; because she won't leave you alone to heal. As if you need any help being reminded. Every-time the screen on your phone lights up, you hopes it's her. You'd rather stick needles in your eyes than ignore her messages.
You'll have to continue "no contact" by deleting the messages. You know they'll just keep bringing you back to square one. She feels guilty and worried about how you're getting along. She doesn't want you back. She doesn't have to hold your hand. You're a man, not a baby.
You have to man-up, move on, and don't look back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto WiseOwlE: I get your point but she first texted me: "how u went from being my everything to basically not even existing"...Then, that makes me question and I start thinking whether or not we could ever get back together again and if she still loves me. How can I be somebody's everything and not still be together. That comment opened the door for my feelings too. I also thought of the same thing when she deleted me from FB and when I lastly texted her "good Luck"; the healing begins now because she is not going to contact me ever again. But it is so painful. I feel like I go back and forth a lot. I already started this healing process over 60 days ago when I decided not to contact her ever; but every time she texts me or I see her I go right back to where I started. Now we are not even friends... I lost her completely...and it is sad..
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): I knew there were still feelings. Now you can begin your healing. I didn't mean to seem insensitive; but I had to be blunt in order for you to come to terms with the fact she now has someone else. Telling her you're there for her was not allowing yourself to truly move on.Give yourself time. No more mind games. You were prolonging your pain and delaying the process of detachment. The brain is deprived of oxytocin, the chemical of love. It's the reason letting go is so hard. It's like giving up an addictive narcotic substance. Don't worry. You'll be fine. Let your feelings and emotions flow. They have to run the full course. Then your psychological state will stabilize. You are feeling grief.Just stay focused at work. Do the things that make you feel good, and make you happy. Reach out to family and friends to remind yourself that love comes from other places.She can remove you from Facebook, and delete phone numbers.She doesn't have to power to shut-down your heart; or stop you from finding love somewhere else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuick update...She removed me from FB. I asked her to just stay strictly professional. and I wish her the best of luck. She texted me: do not text me. I have fallen into a major depression.. I am so sad :-(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I too agree with the previous posters you are sending mixed messages to her.
Personally the only people who text me from work are friends. My phone is not a work issued item and my friends have the number for friendly reasons not work related ones.
IF your phone is not work issue and not used for work, then delete her number and let her know all work related issues are to be handled in the normal manner of your office either email, phone calls or personal visits but texting you on your personal number is not acceptable.
To me folks who do this and say "I'm there for you" are saying it as a way to ease a painful break up... you still love her and care for her but you can't be with her so you need to be an adult and accept those limitations.
no personal contact that includes phone calls and time together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): You left her an opening, by saying you were there for her. You shouldn't have done that. That's admitting you still have feelings for her. Don't make open-end offers to an ex. You're being a little vindictive, and you're jealous she's with someone else. I know you're not a mean person; but I also know how the emotional heart works.You purposely left a little room for drama. So you'd have an excuse to reject her in punishment for finding a new girlfriend. It's psychological blackmail, by subtly letting her know she still has access. Then pushing her away. That's a passive-aggressive form of manipulation. She already has someone, so you don't need to be there for her anymore. She knows you still care, because you left her a clue.She only wants to maintain friendship to not feel completely rejected. She needs to know there are no hard feelings; because she does have to see you everyday. While you put on the ice-queen performance; which is only meant to make her feel guilty, and cause her distraction at work.Your ultimate goal is to force her to quit. That may never happen; so you'll have to plot a new strategy. Karma could come into play, if you have dishonorable intentions.If you are sincere in what you wrote in your post; then tell her you don't want to be friends, but be assured there are no hard feelings. You want to be professional, and avoid drama at work.Inform her that you suggest that she show her new girlfriend more respect by discontinuing any further contact with you. You don't desire anything more than to get along, and nothing more personal than that. Then be cordial, cool, polite, professional, and distant. Say what you mean, and mean exactly what you say.That's the fair and logical way to resolve this.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 October 2013):
 I agree with the other posters. Decide WHAT you want and then stick to it.
Either you want NO contact (except work) or you want some contact.
I would suggest you tell her from now on, only contact I WANT from you is about work, nothing else. I need space and time to heal.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I agree with the previous poster. You are confused because you say that you wants to keep things strictly professional, then you react to her in a way that invalidates that.
You have not been clear about your stance,- in fact you have been ambiguous and wishy washy.
If you don't do the " let's stay griends " thing- then just don't do it, simple as that. Enough with the I am here for you BS.
You can write her " I don't think we need to meet and talk to clear the air, because it is fully cleared already. I bring you no ill will and I wish you well. Only, as you should know, I don't see the point in staying friends with exes, and I am not going to do that. So please from now on, rest assured that you can count on my PROFESSIONAL cooperation only " . And stick to it !
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 October 2013):
Honestly...I think it's your own actions which are confusing you.
Read your post again...
From the start it's 'I do not do the friend thing with exe's'
' I have ignored any texts from her unless it's work related'
and then it's 'I'm here if you ever need me' ?????
You either want to break away completely or you don't.
You are refusing to be friends because she is dating someone else...if she wasn't dating them, you'd grab a chance at that friendship as soon as possible because you still love her!!!
If you really want to stop being friends then don't say stuff like 'I am here if you ever need me' because that's a 'line of hope', which lets her know you still care about her deeply...but it's confused with 'I don't want to be friends with you'
It's sour grapes Honey!!
That said it must be tough working with someone you love, knowing they are with someone else...so maybe you should tell her that...say
'Hey it's tough to see you with someone else and at work when I still love you, so I need a little co operation from you...I need some space so I don't have to keep thinking about you with someone else'
If she really cares about you, she will cut off the texts and keep her private life to herself so you don't have to be constantly reminded.
Always acknowledge your feelings with yourself, don't try to trick yourself that you are happy when you arn't because it's very damaging. Feel the feelings and let them go one by one and avoid the constant daily reminders as much as possible.
I hope she gives you some space to heal xxx
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