A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and its been pretty rocky for the last year. we fight alot and dont really seem to have much in common. its one of the situations where we cant stand each other but both truly love each other. i had caught her in some pretty bad lies like her saying shes on birth control when she wasnt, got pregnant and went and got an abortion and a few other lies. i dont know if im making excuses to stay or not or what to do. we only have sex twice a month and she knows i hate it.recently a new girl has came into the picture and im not a cheater or anything but this girl and i really like each other but i feel guilty because i have feeling for someone else when i have a girlfriend.i know the obvious answer is to leave my girlfriend and date this girl but i just feel like it would be wrong and i cant bring myself to tell her its over and to move out. i just cant bring myself to break her heart and i know it will hurt mine. i just need some advice on what to do and how to do it.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 October 2013):
 you should definitely end the relationship, but jumping into another one immediately may be a bad idea. you have been together for three years, afterall. and you said yourself, you still love each other. so why not move out and be single for a while? leave this new girl alone until you get your head fully straight. or be friends or just fwb. but you don't want to make her your rebound, even if you don't feel that way now. you may wind up hurting that girl, too. ya know?
use this attraction to another female as a realization that it's time to move on. end the relationship and take time to heal. if you want to hook up and have one night stands, etc. then that's another story. but i wouldn't jump into another full on relationship yet.
best of luck.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2013):
 the longer you stay the harder it will be.
put your ducks in a row, find a place to live before you have "the talk" even if it's just with friends till you can find your own new place.
you must be a man and end it for your sake and hers.
it will be hard for both of you.
I suggest ending it and going NO CONTACT as soon as you can. It's easier than pretending to stay friends.
As to how to do it.
Go to gf and say "gf we need to talk and we both know it's not going to be an easy conversation, do you want to just do it now or would you rather do it on Saturday morning?"
or what ever date you want..
she'll know what's coming...
if you feel you can't break it off totally... you could do the "ease into it" step of "taking a break" and "re-evaluating" after said break... a week, two weeks, a month... whatever it is go NO contact during the break...
and stop sleeping with her at all until you do this.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 October 2013):
She'll get over it, so don't worry about her.
If you really care about her, it's not the breaking up that's important, but HOW you break up. Be considerate of her feelings. Don't give her false hope. Don't answer endless pointless questions either, it'll just cause her to not be able to let go. If she seems to have a rough time letting go, tell her you're going to go no contact. That way she won't be constantly wondering if you're going to call, she won't be checking your Facebook for any signs that you still want her, etc.
When you dump her, tell her that it's not that you don't love her, because you love her very much. The problem is that the two of you are obviously not compatible in a long term relationship.
If you start dating, take things with the new girl slow. Don't rush it. It'll be better for the three of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): You have to man-up and come clean with the person you are with, before moving on to someone else. There is no easy way to end a relationship, only a mature and decent way. That's by being honest, sensitive, and straightforward.If you're fighting, you're saying a lot of things you shouldn't be saying out of anger. That's when you should be concerned about "breaking her heart." Forcing her to lose her temper, and to scream at you in frustration, is breaking her heart. Set her free.The longer you stay together in a failing relationship, the more anger you will develop out of resentment. The fights become more intense; because you'll feel trapped and you're longing to be with someone else. Then you'll be calloused and nasty; because you'll act out of vindictiveness and frustration. Think it out.Find a time and place, and do it in person. You're looking for an easy way out, without drama. That isn't going to happen. She is going to lose it. She will perform to make you feel guilty. She will play on your sympathy and beg for pity. That's just the way breakups go.As for dating no sooner than you breakup with someone? I'm not altogether certain her feelings were on your mind when you went out and met someone else to replace her. A word of wisdom on that. You've totally jumped the gun!You can't start a commitment soon after a breakup. There is a period of emotional detachment and other emotions that you have to deal with first. There is also unfinished business with your soon to be ex-girlfriend. She will stir up emotions between you that will distract you; and that isn't fair to an innocent by-stander. She deserves your full attention, and shouldn't have to deal with your baggage.You will waiver back and forth; because of your discomfort with leaving your old girlfriend. You will miss her.She will occupy your thoughts. She will go out of her way to try and get back together. It's a normal and human reaction. You are human too, no matter how tough we men try to be. You will have to go "no-contact" and she will freak out.That means you don't call her, text her, or take her calls or messages. You do not use "no contact" as the method of breaking up. You must have a talk, and you do it like a man. Not like a coward. Give her as much closure as possible, and it will give her the means to move on psychologically. Lack of closure is why most people suffer and cling on. Then the frustration of coming to terms with the fact it's over sinks in. You minimize their excuses to keep begging for closure.Her acceptance will not happen right-away, it all takes time.By bringing another woman in so soon, you're creating a new drama. Your ex will be trying to reach you. She may cause scenes, she'll be stalking you on Facebook, and trying to make up. It will all be driven by her grief and emotions. I'm asking you to be a man. Not a selfish boy who went out to find a new toy, when his old toy got broken. You're leaving another person who has feelings. You're dragging another person into it; just so you won't have to be alone.My words may just be print on a page; but I offer advice based on fact and experience. You're getting involved with another woman too soon; and you're setting yourself up for drama.There are steps.Breakup, get through the drama and emotions, allow some time to recover, then start dating. I don't give watered-down sugar-coated advice. I try to get down to the dirty details; because people's hearts and feelings are involved here. I answer the posts of broken-hearted men and women everyday. Some dumped, some who had to be the one to dump someone; and the person who fell in-love on the rebound, with someone who recently broke-up. The person on the rebound has to witness all the raw emotion, deal with exes trying to contact you, and then you realize you weren't ready for a new relationship, and end-up breaking their hearts too.You may not only break your ex-girlfriend's heart, but the new lady's as well. She's going to attach her heart before you've dealt with the present situation you're ending; which may not be so clean-cut and easy. You're not going to just drop one female like a hot-potato, and move on to the next girl. Wait and see.Just by the fact you aren't sure what to do, or how to do it, that is evidence that you haven't considered all the details. I hope you will read this; in order that you and your ex-girlfriend can move on with a minimum of complications in-between. There is no way to by-pass the pain for either of you.I'll answer any questions you have. Trust me, your heart will feel broken too. Another woman will not be able to save you from that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I think the sooner you end it and move out the better. You are risking that she might get pregnant on purpose to try and "make" you stay.
Also, if she did have an abortion she is without a doubt having some emotional issues with it, that she isn't sharing. You might think it's scary to get someone pregnant, but SHE is the one who WAS pregnant, who HAD to go through an abortion.
I would suggest that you do NOT jump straight to dating this new "shiny" girl. She will be your rebound and that is not fair on the "new" girl.
My guess is you are still staying with your GF out of partial guilt (the pregnancy) and partially because it's become habit, it's familiar. Time to do the right thing by HER and yourself and end it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): "i just need some advice on what to do and how to do it."
Grow a pair and break up with your girlfriend instead of making advance excuses for cheating on her so she can catch you and then conveniently dump you.
That way you'll be free to pursue the new girl without the threat of her discovering that you're a lying, cheating, cowardly scumbag who uses people for your own ends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): I was in a similar situation with my ex, we'd been together for 5 years and lived together for 4... I broke up with him in completely the wrong way, I decided to move towns because I needed to get away and told him we'd try long distance with the view to move back in together... But then I met someone else six months later and I ended up just telling him I didn't want him to move back in with me and broke up over the phone.
If I could do it again, I'd just be honest that we weren't making each other happy and that it wasn't healthy for us to be together anymore as we were fighting so much. Your girlfriend will probably feel the same, just sit her down and be honest and then move out. She'll be upset, but be strong and know you're doing the right thing.
You are hurting both yourself and her more by staying and keep thinking that as you break up with her. You both deserve to be happy and if you are not happy you need to move on,
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Be a man and end the relationship. Cheating will break her heart far more than your honesty. Free her to go meet the right person and allow yourself that right too.
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