A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there! I met a guy at a bar in December and it was one of those "wow! I feel like I already know you" type things. The sexual chemistry was totally there, we were chatting, he was very affectionate toward me, and saying really nice things to me. Then he said he wanted to "show me his place." I tried to say no, but eventually relented. And needless to say, we ended up having sex. Well sort of. He couldn't get it up the first time. But, then he called and asked me to come over again and we had really good sex. He told me up front that he didn't want a serious relationship and I said that was fine, as I am very busy and not really looking for that either. So we hooked up a few times, and we would actually spend a lot of the time talking, listening to music, watching movies and just chilling. I started to get attached to him and told him so and he seemed ok with that. I would send him little texts or emails saying how much I care about him. But over time, he stopped answering texts, or emails. He became less affectionate and stopped initiating sex at all. He initially told me that I could hang at his place anytime I wanted and that if I was in the area I could call him and hang. One night I had too much to drink and I tried to contact him to see if I could stay there. He didn't answer his phone. I buzzed his apartment and he didn't respond. So I stayed with a friend. The next morning I texted "where the @#$% were you" and he called and was really defensive. He said he was asleep and didn't hear his phone or buzzer. Then he completely stopped all communication for about a week. Then he did call and I saw him again. He said he was upset about my text because he was clear that he didn't want a serious relationship. I told him that I didn't mean it like "are you with someone else?" I meant "you said if I needed a place to stay, I could" like, as in a friend. Now, I don't call or text him at all, but he will call me or poke me on Facebook. The last time he called (last Saturday night) he didn't even invite me over, but we chatted for about an hour. Then the next night I invited myself to his place to watch the Oscars and we did have sex at my initiation. I like this guy a lot, and I don't want a serious relationship either, but I feel like he is distancing himself. I want him to be the way he was earlier on. Is he afraid that I want more from him than he can give me? Are we really just friends who occasionally hook up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): OP, you're old enough to know that men and women think about sex very differently. Believe it or not a man (and some women) can have sex with somebody and not feel love or even care that much about them.I'm sure he likes you but he doesn't have "those" kind of feelings. Guys can have sex with people they don't even like let alone love.When you started talking about "feelings" he ran, hence my point. It is possible for people to have sex and not have feelings of love. It happens all the time, just look at the amount of posts, mainly from women, wondering why the guy ran after he got what he wanted.Women can't seem to grasp the idea that to most men, sex is just sex. It's not some amazing emotional connection, it's a guy having a good time with an attractive woman. That may sound hollow or empty but so is what you're doing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Fact pure and simple, you're having sex, don't want it to be exclusive, so obviously meaning other sexual partners are included, this si not a relationship, whatever tag, words, caring, loving, sexual you add to it. It's purely robotic, clinical sex. Few ultimately can live like that. Females who do will never be considered long-term material with he guy, if she starts to become attached. That happens so rarely, as guys do not what a female who considers sex, her body as something to be used for the sole purpose of copulating.Once she does this, if and when she wants a serious loving, exclusive relationship, she will have to look elsewhere. And not indicate she's happy with sharing him with other females, who wants to have 'relationship'like that, it is not a relationship in any stretch of imagination. The only difference between this and prostitution is NO money is exchanged, but the principle is the same, you have sex withs someone just for sex.And not really sure why you have posted, because their is no dilemma, you don't want to be exclusive with him, and he doesn't with you. Dr. Date
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 You say:"I'd like to think it's possible to have a very loving sexual relationship that is not "serious" or exclusive."If it's loving and it's sexual, it pretty much has the traits of a good old plain relationship, right? A serious one. What else would it lack? What you request is the most confusing thing and you should probably need a good mental condition to bear it.That you don't have time for a relationship, please! You would perhaps have time if someone lovely, a great catch, wanted to be serious and exclusive with you?Right now you have a sex only deal, but how good is it if he does not even initiate it? This really DAZES me. I don't think it makes you feel desired, does it. On top of it, he is uncommunicative so you have little chance to sort this out and any future issues. I understand that you don't like to feel like a robot. You are hence seeking to expand on the friendship a little, on the emotional side after all. I'm concerned it maybe wastes your times. I've seen this before, in the way you describe it, with friendship included, but a very risky and frustrating deal. And as someone else said, we only have that much emotional resources and maybe you're investing in the wrong place, and you'll be exhausted enough not to be able to look around in the meanwhile. Think about it. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): If you want a very loving sexual relationship then you are going to have to find another woman to have that with, not a man who views you as someone to avoid when you get emotional or demanding. If he wanted to bond with you then he'd want to be working on a relationship or heading in that general direction
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the feedback! You pretty much said what I thought you would say. I guess it's just hard for me to understand the concept of just "having sex" without ANY kind of feeling or some kind of connection to the person. I just can't operate that way. I'm not a frickin robot. That said, I'd like to think it's possible to have a very loving sexual relationship that is not "serious" or exclusive. The thing is, you have to communicate that you want this, and I think I have failed in that regard. This guy is NOT a good communicator either. He tends to shut down when I talk about that kind of stuff, so I was avoiding it. I think that if I do talk to him again I need to let him know what I want from the relationship and if he can't or won't do it, I'll move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): "I don't want a serious relationship either, but I feel like he is distancing himself."This is a paradox. If you don't want a serious relationship, then just have sex. Saying that you "started to get attached to him" etc indicates that you DO want a serious relationship. You don't know what you want, and that's okay, but it's not his fault.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 March 2011):
 I agree with the walkin dude. It's obvious you want more. What you had "before" was more like a budding relationship. I don't blame you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): Your post is very confusing. You say you don't want a serious relationship with this guy either but before that you said you were sending him texts saying how much you care about him.I think you do want more from him but you know he doesn't so you're taking any crumbs of affection he'll give you i.e. sex.He's backed off because he made it clear from the start he only wanted a friends with benefits type arrangement but then you started messaging saying how much you cared about him. He panicked.I think you need to be honest with yourself because it's clear you want more. You only want it to go back to the way it was before because you seem to think that occasionally having sex with him is better than nothing.He can't give you what you want and eventually he will meet somebody who he DOES want a relationship with and where will you be then?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): I think you are one of his friends who he occasionally hooks up with and the night you stopped by he had another friend over that's why he was so ticked off. If he was just sleeping I really don't think he'd care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): Right, you don't want a serious relationship either. You didn't hear when he said he didn't want that and now you aren't hearing when he said he feels you want more and it's just sex. You have all your answers right out of the horse's mouth. The only thing more crystal clear he could do would be to put it in writing and get it notorized.
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