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female
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*deadrainbowpixie*
writes: Imagine I am your 18 year old daughter...I have been chatting to online/dating a 48 year old for 34 months, and we want to meet for the first time. We both love each other (we really do!) but dating over the internet is too hard for us, and we need to be together physically, and I don't mean for sex. Just to be together, to show love and affection, e.g. cuddling :] which is difficult online, as you can imagine! We also want to stay together - meaning, him staying in the UK with me, and not go back to the USA.. ever.But there is a problem. You (my parents).Would you, a) let him stay at our house. Knowing I'm safe under your roof, in case anything did happen.Or, b) not let him stay. Knowing that if you do this, I'll leave home, and find somewhere to stay with him, or rent. And you may not see me again, and if you do, I'll hold that against you for the rest of my life.I need to know some opinions, cuz I don't think my parents are being fair :(Thanks loads. And pleaseee don't be mean to me. I really need some help. I've been really depressed lately cuz I wana be with him soooo much, but I don't wana move out yet!Oh and, I know, I know, the age gap is kinda big. But he doesnt act his age, and we are sooooo alike :] It doesnt bother us...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2006): I think you are very immature and I think this guy sounds like a con. Listen to your parents they have more life experience than you and they know a bit more about the ways of the world. This guy is odd for being into a *child* at his age! I am sorry if you disagree but if you were my kid I wouldn't be letting you ahve anyhting to do with him either. He is just a fantasy, wait until you meet someone nearer home and your own age and enjoy a real realtaionship, not this nonsense on the web.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): I don't know if it a particularly good idea - people can be so different online than they are in real life.
I know you may get along great now and you may get along great in real life too or you may not.
I had a boyfriend who both him and I were so busy with our jobs and there were a lot of nights that we both had to work back late so we would email each other back and forth. I loved his emails, they were so funny and smart and cute and sexy and when I read them I felt so special and so amazing but for some reason I didn't feel the same way when we were actually in the same room - for some uknown reason he was a much better boyfriend via email than in person. Not saying he wasn't a great guy, because he was, he was smart and nice and considerate but via email he was funnier, sexier, everything.
Take what you will out of this story but remember that the internet, even via webcam, can be very different, you don't know everything about him, you don't know as much if you could physically see him, where he lives and most importantly how he interacts with people other than you.
I think most people would say that it is very interesting to see how their partner's interact with their work colleagues, neighbours, family and friends. It tells us a lot about people, their emotions and their core personality traits. Just remember that you haven't seen that yet, so you have only seen him in one light, not many like in a more traditional dating style.
Take care of yourself and remember you are very young and he is much older and it is very important that you consider the limitations of the internet in determining a future partner, the fears your parents naturally have and what you want out of life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): I concur with "I dont Lie". Just think about what was said. Good luck and please stay safe and be careful. Take care of yourself.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (4 February 2006):
 Right, I see its almost impossible to make you change your mind about meeting up this guy and letting him stay in the house, seeing as uve already made ure mind up!! Well, fair enough, but whatever it is, just be on top of ure toes and stay aware of things. Thats all the advice I can give to u. I really hope ull manage to convinve ure parents about this guy and I sure hope this guys genuine!! But I still have my doubts about things, but like I said, I hope Im wrong!! Good luck again!
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reader, mystify +, writes (3 February 2006):
 hi ,
your parents arejust being normal parents , i wouldnt let my kids partners stay even if they were the same age, the thing is the family home is supposed to be a sanctuary a safe place where you return to at the end of the day and can just be yourself bad points n all, where you can walk around in a towel knowing noone other than those you love imensley and trust wholey will be there to see.
iits not really fair to insist to them that they must let your man stay with them , not to mention its hard for any parent to agree to let their childs girlf/boyf stay over in thier home knowing that they could be having sex right next door.
a house is also a home and everyone has to feel comfortable about who stays, you say your mum dosent trust him , whether or not he is a decent guy do you really wish the discomfort of having a man she dosent trust staying in her home, the steps you have taken for them to get to know each other are just the first few baby steps there needto be so much more before you get to a level of trust that deserves the level ofintamicy that comes from living together.
of course this is hard on you as you just want to help him and to be with him, but it sounds like your parents love you, dont hate them for that
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well of course, I'm not that stupid. I wouldnt meet him unless my mum would come with me to the airport! I'd be too nervous/shy anyway! :]He knows about the age difference, but he doesnt see me as a 16 year old, he just thinks of me as me! He didnt plan on having a relationship with a younger person, it just happened.He wouldnt want to control me. And if he even TRIED to, I'd be gone in an instant. I wouldnt stand for it. If anything, its going to be me controlling him! Hehe :]I dont think Id actually leave my parents and go off with this guy, just because they wouldnt let him stay. But I would probably hold it against them, because they havent even given him a chance :(
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi 'I Dont Lie'.Well, he's not really a stranger to my parents. He's written letters to them to tell them about his past, and tried to let them get to know him. But they just dont trust him. My mum sees him on my computer screen every single day, as we sit at our laptops (with webcams on!) for as long as possible, every day, without fail, cuz we hate being apart. So its not a case of "daughter claiming to have met someone over the internet"... my mum has known about this guy since day one - thats 20 months ago.He's never said "he cant find anyone compatible" his own age, he just doesnt want to look, cuz hes happy with me - and I feel the same about him. We have sooo much in common - I cant think of anything thats not alike! :]Aww, its not like that. He doesnt see it as "unfair for him to drop everything to be with me", he cant wait to be with me. If he thought it was unfair, I wouldnt even ask him to come to the UK, if he was happy with just an online relationship or even friendship, Id respect his wishes - Id be upset, but I wouldnt hold it against him. It's not just about me.There is a possibility that he may be dangerous, thats why I suggested him staying at my home with my parents, just incase he was a sicko and tried to kidnap me or rape me, etc, Id be safe at home with my parents, wouldnt i?Well, I know a damn lot about him, I dont think anything goes on "behind the screens". We usually spend around 8 hours online together each day (more at weekends!), and he tells me everything he does.Watch out big time? Thats exactly what I'm trying to do. I realllly wana stay at home with my parents when he comes over to the UK in 2007. I wana feel safe in my own home. Not out in some hotel, etc that I dont know...But we cant meet in a restaurant... If he comes over, hes staying here! He lives in the USA, I am in the UK. He'll need to get so much arranged, just to come and see me. Which is why my parents said when I'm 18, hes allowed to come (but wont allow him to stay at our house?!). But it seems stupid being together online for 34 months, and then when I'm the age my parents said I could be with him, we only get to meet occasionally, and he has to go BACK to the USA. It would kill us. We really wana be together, and once we are, there is no seperating us!Oh trust me, I have REALLY bad mood swings - a lot of arguments, mostly my fault. The days I dont get moody, we get on great (no arguments!). He's prepared for all that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): Deaddrainbowpixie, in response to your comment. I am relieved to hear you have someone going with you, when you meet this man. About your Mom. She loves you and has viable concerns. I also have to wonder why a 48 year old male has a romantic interest in a 16 year old female. Have you not wondered this as well? Your Mother is seeing you making decisions and taking actions, based simply your emotional reactions, not your common sense, maturity and foresight. Therefore, she feels she has to step in with an intervention.
Stop and really think long and hard about this, guy. I think it's very unwise of you to consider a relationship with a man of 48. You do stand a chance of becoming incredibly hurt because it will be an "exploitive" relationship on his part. It's quite possible that he's very lonely, lacks in self esteem, is very immature and he likely fears having a quality, balanced sexual relationship built on equality, trust, and giving and taking, in a relationship with a female his own age. Your youth and degree of innocence is appealing to him. But you have to question his moral fibre and his reasons for pursuing a teenager of your age. A man this age, usually goes for a much younger partner because he wants to feel in control of the relationship. If the man senses the girl has a crush on him and there's not much romance (his lonliness) in his current life, he'll be drawn to this and his natural ethics won't kick in. With a young, inexperienced teenager, the man usually becomes the centre of his world. You'll become very enamored with him if you haven't already..
He's the adult who still has free-will, and I cannot imagine a scenario where the adult cannot choose simply to walk away, however tempted he may be. Call it what you want-I call it an abuse of power and he will take advantage of you and this is what is worrying your Mother. Do I think your Mom should still let him stay in the home with you? I can't answer that question, nor will I. Because this is your parent's home and they have the final word on what happens in their home. You will need to sit down and maturely and calmly open this up to further discussion with your parents. In the end, you may have to accept their answer and make other arrangements for you friend. But for goodness sake, don't give your parent's ultimatums about leaving the home for good, if he can't stay there. That's the behaviour of an errant, spoiled child and you said it yourself...you want others to take you seriously..then act accordingly. Learn to lean on your Mom and Dad. They both love you and want you to do well, in life. Boyfriend's come and go, but Mom and Dad will be there for you, for the rest of their lives. Don't mess up..respect their wishes.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (3 February 2006):
Hi, as far as your parents are concerned, I really think its normal theyre reacting this way. Lets turn the tables around, would u allow some stranger your daughter claims to have met over the internet to bunk over in your house? Your parents are only reacting that way to protect the family they fought so hard to build!! I dont think its wise if that guy stayed over in your place. Im not saying that because of his age...I for one am not truly particular of age differences. In your case, I can see that the cons outweigh the pros so you might wanna consider getting into a relationship with this guy and dropping everything else for him. First, hes 48 years old...havent u thought to ureself why hasnt he found someone at his age? If he claims he cant find anyone compatible, what makes you think he'll be compatible with you, an 18 year old? Secondly, he lives too far away and would be really unfair for him to drop everything to be with you forever. Thridly, you dont know the real him...he may be someone dangerous (its so possible!! it happens!). Fourthly, ure only 18, ure gonna meet so many other yougner good looking ppl, what makes you think ure gonna stay with this guy forever??!! Fifth, doesnt it sound dangerous to you that ure gonna invite a man you only know virtually to your real house just because u FEEL he is a nice guy and u trust him??! I mean its like letting a lion into your house. Yea, you might argue that hes nice and all but honestly, what goes on behind the screens, you dont know and probably never will!! All these just screams red flags to me so if I was you, Id watch out big time! Take it slow...real slow in my opinion. Meet on mutual public grounds like a restaurant, preferabbly with your parents around (if u want ure parents to like him). If hes nice enough, hell understand and not press the issue of staying in your house. I know it seems that he might seem like the best guy in the world for u as he understands you completely and you guys get alng so well, but trust me, it aint the same in reality!! We have mood swings, expressions, sarcasms, actions, etc.....in reality! I say try living your life outside the internet and believe you me, ull meet someone cute and fun...and REAL! Good luck!!
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you sooooooo much to the anon person who just posted! You said exactly what Ive been trying to say! :]Let me just repeat it... In keeping up with the integrity of this website-please give her a direct mature response or don't respond at all.I am a genuine 16 year old - if you want proof, I can give it to you! I have a webcam, and I could take a photo of me holding a piece of paper, saying "I am deadrainbowpixie, so there!" :] I'm also applying for my provisional driving license, cuz I'm 17 in march. If you seriously think I'm joking about this whole thing, I can scan my license and send it to you in march, if you really want! lol. Just to prove I'm not some sad person, posing as a 16 year old to get attention or whatever :] I also have absolutely loads of photos of my internet boyfriend, who my post is about.I really wouldn't be wasting my time if I wasnt telling the truth, seriously, Im really not that sad, lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): To all the other agony aunts answering this post. Enough! Have you forgotten what your responsibilities are? This is a poster who has a 'question" and in keeping up with the integrity of this website-please give her a direct mature response or don't respond at all. If you want to think she is a 'con'or a 'psycho', then so be it-that is your opinion! She could be a genuine 16 year old with problems..or she could be some bald headed lawyer from Chigaco, Illinois, just playing a game. Who the hell knows?! My point is, we don't know for sure and we never will. Like that old saying goes "if you can't say nothing nice-then don't say it at all" I have read many of your answers to other posters and you all have awesome, wonderful advice. So in keeping up with mature, insightfulness and good advice this website offers...get out there and answer questions. Remember, what helping others is truely about. This is a time, when people with problems want help, compassion and common sense.
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 February 2006):
 Well this is really a problem then is it. It is only a potential problem and as such a load of bullfeathers.....
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reader, willywombat +, writes (3 February 2006):
I am sure there is a name for people like you who get off on making stuff up because their lives are so boring. Are you 16 or 18? Do you want to murder your ex's partner and kids or don't you? Do you even exsist or are you a silly little girl with nothing better to do than fantasize about a bloke who is either 48 or 34 or whatever.
We cannot be genuine to a person who write sick stuff like you did and obviously thinks it is funny.
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy posts are ALL genuine! And if you dont think they are, then you know where you can stick your opinions, cuz they are not wanted! Get a life and leave me alone!And as for the age thing. I KNOW I am 16 at the moment, but in 2007 when my boyfriend is PLANNING on coming to live in the UK, I WILL be 18, and he WILL be 48, and we WILL have been together for 34 months! I'm just thinking ahead, OK? I want NO more posts from the likes of willywombat and eyeswideopen... and MORE from people like Irish49. GOT IT???
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Irish49 ? for your answer! It seems you are the only person who is actually taking Dear Cupid seriously... I just wanted to say, I am aware that internet relationships are like that, and when I meet him, I will have someone with me... But my mum thinks he is a pedo and thinks he is going to do something to me. Well, both me and him think that it would be best if he stayed at my home with my parents, even if was for a short while until we find somewhere else to stay.. So she knows I'm safe, and he cant harm me while I'm at home. We think that makes sense. Do you? At least if I'm home, she knows where I am, etc, etc. Then she wouldnt need to worry. Right? Thanks xo
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): No, he shouldn't stay in your parent's home. It sounds like your parents are good people, but don't have any idea of how to handle you and are very fearful for you. They may be seeing their daughter making some very poor choices. If this is a rule of your home and you want to willfully break it, if I were your parents...I would say you have a month’s notice. Adult or otherwise, people who are being supported are dependents. Even 'boarders' follow the rules of the house. You are old enough to support yourself. There is a time when adult children need to make their own way. I think this is you. An inability to follow the rules of the home is a good indicator. I am not talking about shattering family bonds here. I am talking about it being time to move on and this can be done in a calm, dispassionate manner.
I think it's reasonable for your parents to expect all adult family members to extend courtesy and abide by the high standards and guidelines, they set forth in 'their' home. (they own it) I think your parents want something more from you. Show them you don’t have to be immature, petty or argue about this issue. I would keep the peace and respect their rules in their home. It would be the adult thing to do. So before you hold your parents at emotional ransom by saying 'they will not see you again if you don't get your own way over this issue"...you need to mature and show your parents you can live within structure and succeed, not screw up. Not only will you screw up, but you will place all your anger, hate and irresponsible thinking on the people, who are doing their best by you. This kind of irresponsible thinking and actions will land you nowhere. It is time to grow up and discover the world does not revolve around you and your wants and desires. I think you need to get into line.
Now about this internet romance with this guy. I won't go in to the 'age gap' situation because at 18, you are legal. This is your choice so I can only give you my opinion. If he comes, you allow him to stay in a hotel room or whereever..but you spend time getting to know him without any sexual entanglement. You meet him with a friend or a family memner. The crucial thing is to remain safe and I'll explain why. The problem with long distance, internet romances is the fact that without being in the physical presence of a person, it is very difficult to develop any bond, and really get to know each other well enough to make a wise decision on whether this is really a lifetime relationship. There is 'no' substitution for spending 'real' time together. With the Internet, you have a blend of fantasy and reality. When your main form of communication is email, Instant Messages, and chatrooms, you are in a blended world. You build a mental image of who this person is with little basis in reality. They literally become to some extent, a creation of your imagination. This is 'not' healthy and extremely dangerous! Internet friendships are sustained by one thing and one thing only: guaranteed anonymity. Really think long and hard about this.
I can't say whether you'll heed this advice-but I decided to tell you my feelings, because if anyone else, reading this benefits from this advice-then all the more better. Take what you want from this and make your decision but you asked and I answered. Take care and stay safe.
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant believe this! Caught out? I'm only asking a question - I'm serious, I want you to take this question seriously. It is a real life, genuine question! Some help you people are! Get off this website, you're obviously fakes and can't answer a question without making it difficult for others! If you cant say something nice, DONT say anything at all!
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reader, willywombat +, writes (3 February 2006):
Thank you anon, it would appear that this person is a bit of a fantasist and takes offence when caught out.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 February 2006):
 If everyone will just go look at all the crap ‘deadrainbowpixie’ has posted you will see that she is just playing with this site and should be ignored. One minute she is 16 and the next she is 18 etc...There are people out there that have real concerns and problems, this one is a player
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): Hard to be genuine when your aren't being genuine. Everyone should go look at your other posts, Holy Cow!
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause this is a completely different problem!.. If I dont get any good answers, I'm just gona move out and live with my boyfriend, and wont care if he abuses or rapes me (what my parents think he'll do!) because NO one would help me when they had the chance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): why should we ignore the other posts? They say alot about your character. You have some pretty big issues, I guess your parents know what they are doing.
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (3 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have NOT busted up a family! My boyfriend LEFT his family for me, I never asked him to! He wasn't happy with his ex wife. That was NOT my fault, I've never even met her. I just said, I am over that now, I DONT wanna kill any of them, I'm fine with it, I've accepted it. And I'll only get 'help' or go see my GP, IF you leave me alone, and allow other people to help me with THIS post. Ignore my other posts and answer this one, please!!! And willy person, leave me alone and quit flooding my post with ur rubbish, I'm not interested in what you have to say. I want GENUINE people to give me GENUINE answers/help with this problem with my parents and boyfriend. Thank you.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (3 February 2006):
Yes you do need help but not of the type you will get on here.
You have sick fantasies about murders and dismemberment and you have busted up a family and you ask for help....go see a psychoanalyst and get some medication.
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (2 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is so out of order! I'm bein completely honest about this. Don't think I'm joking about this. Please. I had an argument with my mum today about him coming to stay with us, and I wouldn't be lying about this, trust me, I'm not that sad and pathetic. And don't call me a fool! I swear on my families lives that I'm being honest about this, I wouldnt be wasting my time if I wasnt. Please, can people just give me some opinions about what I wrote about him coming to live with me. This is a serious question. ALL my questions on here are 100% sincere - no jokes! I'm not like that. I really do need your help with these things. Thank you, and please don't take this as a joke. It's really not :(
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reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
fool, think you need to try harder than that
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (2 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat do you mean "im busted"??
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 February 2006):
Ha Ha 'deadrainbowpixie' you are busted!!!!!!!
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reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (2 February 2006):
*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAh, I know. But I think I'm over all that :] I just get really bad mood swings... But anyway, enough about my other post. I need serious help with this one! Thanks! xo
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reader, willywombat +, writes (2 February 2006):
Hang on, you are the individual who ahd wild fantasies about *murdering and dismembering* your new partners ex and their kids. MMMMMMM......so which one is it?
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