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male
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*HARLIE C
writes: I've been with my girl for about 8months now.Things have been great but I have had large amounts of pressure.It originally felt like this. I guess as I'm not used to being in a relationship with someone, full stop.My main issue is I can't stop thinking about the people she has been with before me.What makes it worse is that the majority of these didn't ever care or have hurt or abused her in more ways than one.She seems numb to all this and is just as friendly with all these kind of people if she bumps into them out and about etc. This makes it worse for me as I wouldn't harm a hair on her head.It just feels like these guys have got away scot free and left me to deal with the damages pick up the peices etc..She never complains to me about any of this and I will explain more as I go along.Overall this at first was difficult to accept as this has also been my first proper relationship with someone which makes it worse is I have grown up around these people and always seen them around and still do to this date.There's been pressure from the start, it has felt as even until now I still feel uncomfortable in being out and about bumping into her exes etc, knowing what they have put her through or done to her.As you can probally gather, we have become very close in 8 months. In fact it feels the time we have spent together has basically been around 8 years or so.I don't wan't to go into too much details but here goes ...When she was young, her dad's best friend raped her over and over and probably feared her, full stop.She has continued to have numerous boyfriends after this.I can only imagine this has been a way of dealing with things?Her boyfriends have always been people that have been violent or had these tendancies etc.This makes me concerned as she has always had someone in her life who has tried to control her, telling her who she can can't talk with be with as these people have been so insecure etc.When she was at school she got into a few fights with girls and also to present day doesn't get on with girls, only really men, which to be honest is hard for me there, even though I often say it's cool.In all, she has put up with so much crap over time that I have tried to be as chilled out with everything as I can be, knowing all of her past, what she has been through, the people she has slept with, the fact that just recently I had to lose the plot and punch a door to make my point heard, which obviously didn't as it just made me realise that I was in fact reacting the same way every man she has had in her life has reacted before, through violence.Whats worse is that I'd never sexually committed with someone until her as I'd seen her from afar and always knew there was something good about her compared to other girls etc and when the time came everything just felt right.Besides all this we have had a great relationship so far.Shes an amazing person and just recently I told her that she was the first person I have actually slept with as I thought this would make her understand why I reacted badly towards a recent situation.It didn't really do much, just make me feel lower in myself as for some reason I believed that it may make her feel better in knowing that's just how much I've given myself to her.Maybe all these feelings are just so strong and new to me that I have had to seriously swim in the deep end and keep going.I have built a good rapport with her over time as friends and this I think has helped me cope with this relationship etc.The trouble is, I have no problem closet skeletons, no exes, nothing to worry about really.I get down and depressed but that's about it. I'm human for god's sake..I feel tired exhasted and unloved. I know this is not the true feelings as when we're together things have grown, although since the recent incident that happened she's not as happy I feel and huggy towards me.I'm guessing just feels that way at the moment, due to looking at the big picture I am pretty bloody confused? Please help...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): Your not confused-you don't think she's good enough for you. You have become your own worst enemy, in all this. Try being more compassionate and not so judgemental. Here is a girl with a loving heart and a troubled past who considers you her best friend-she wholly trusts and respects you to the degree that she went out on a limb and told you 'everything' about her life. And now..you are having problems with her honesty, her truths?? With all the girl's you could be dating, who could be cheating, lying and treating you like crap..you complain about this girl who was clearly abused and victimized? If I was in your shoes, I would learn that one's arrogance, can get in my way of seeing things clearly and can hurt the ones who love me and that thinking this way, is short changing yourself to finding something very special with this girl. Instead of thinking what 'she' can do for you...think of what 'you' can do for her. This is good information to know about oneself. It will help you not sabotage yourself in the future. What happened to her ...is not her fault. Now go and treat her like a queen and forget all this. Enjoy what you have with her and just make the clearcut choice to be ...happy.
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