A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I split with my boyfriend just before Christmas. I did love him, but didn't feel that 'butterflies' thing that I have had with previous boyfriends. He was a recovering alcoholic (though he had not drunk for two and a half years) and he had declared himself bankrupt at the end of his drinking to sort out his financial problems. I had seen photos of him before and he was a fat bloated mess- now he runs half marathons, goes to the gym regularly, but how he used to be before scared me- what if he went back to it? When I told him that I had cheated on my exes, he said he felt uncomfortable about that, and wanted to know if I would do that to him. We met on a dating site and he was the nicest guy out of the lot. When we got together, I didn't tell him that I was still in contact with some guys from the site. He was upset when I said that I was going to meet up with one of them when we had just got back from a holiday. I just wanted to be friends with the other guy, but my fella was annoyed about this. A guy from work also annoyed him, as he used to send my sexy texts. This was just a laugh, but my fella thought I was 'leading him on!' I recently lied to him and met up with an ex boyfriend who used to be violent and intimidating, but there was a lot more excitement than with my new fella. He also earns a hell of a lot more. We also used to go on holiday a lot, something which me and the new guy didn't do a lot. My new fella found out that I had been speaking to the old guy. I guess I just want the old guy as a friend.The new guy was reliable, caring and I knew that I could trust him, but it wasn't enough. I also found out that a boyfriend that I lived with for seven years (and was the love of my life) recently became a father. I left him because he cheated on me, but still get upset at the thought of him. I cheated on him, to get my own back, but never told him.I broke the new guy's heart, and haven't heard from him since. Should I get in contact with him? He said that he didn't want to hear from me again. I'd like to say how sorry I was, but I also feel that he over-reacted to some stuff. What should I do?
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alcoholic, bankrupt, cheated on me, christmas, drunk, my ex, on holiday, text, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): I don't know why he would welcome hearing from you after all that. You told him you lied; you said you were seeing other men, and clearly you valued a violent ex bf more than him - just because that man was more "exciting" and earned more money.
You don't sound to me as though you seriously want to try to get back with him.
It would be better to take him at his word when he said he didn't want to hear from you again.
Otherwise, what good would writing and saying you are sorry do? Do you just want to express that you shouldn't have treated him so badly, and let it go, without trying to get him back?
In any case, your split has been so recent, it is bound to be raw for him. If you are going to send a letter of apology, I think you should wait a few months before doing so, to allow him to heal a bit and get some perspective. Otherwise, it could only re-open the wounds right now.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (18 January 2007):
 You told him that historically, you're a cheater. More than once I might add. You come back from vacation with your guy. You still want to meet up with another. Some guy from work is sending you sexy texts. You lied and met up with an ex who was violent towards you. Explain to me why he should want to talk to you. You are using bad judgemnet and not to be trusted. Clearly this is the case. You haven't said one bad thing about him. He sounds great. If this is a real post, you'd better take a long look in the mirror.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (18 January 2007):
 Write to him because then he has the option whether to reply and the ball is in his court. Tell him you regret the way things worked out and you'd like to be friends and that he knows where to find you if he feels the same.
CD
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A
female
reader, black_diamond329 +, writes (18 January 2007):
 Well hunni you gotta think about how you would feel in his shoes. To start with keeping in touch with old boyfriends is always dodgy and if he had done the same to you are you honestly gonna admit that you wouldn't have been a tad jealous? Secondly by keeping the things you kept a secret from him just goes to prove that you had something to hide and would have caused more concern for him. Here this guy is just getting his life back on track, wanting to meet a good kind woman and instead you hit him with this dodgy relationship. I mean it was hardly fair was it? Fair enough if you just wanna be friends with guys but there's no need to hide it from him or be sending suggestive texts. You just don't do that when you ain't single anymore unless they are gay or taken too. I think the reason he took it harder than most was because of his past and you should accept that. As to getting back in touch with him personally I think that if you don't plan on getting back with him there isn't much point it will only cause more emotional conflict for the poor guy. If you do want it to work out though then definitely go to his house (show him how serious you are with direct contact so he can't ignore you) and tell him you really need to talk to him. Apologise for what happened and explain your past and you worries etc so that he can understand why you acted the way you did and perhaps even be able to fogive you and give it a second go. I really would only recommend this if you are really serious about him though. Good luck!
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