A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is vacationing in South Thailand. Many people have told me that chances are if he's there with his friends, that he's taking advantage of Thailands notorious 'Sex tourism' and that the vast majority of western people visiting Thailand end up in places where women are sold for sex. My husband has cheated in the past, and every time I've talked to him on the phone and have asked anything about what he's done since he's been there, he has gotten angry with me, even though I have never accused him of anything or given him the slightest inclination that was what I was worried about. His actions and change in behavior with me has me worried. I'm also aware of the high risk of HIV in this area. He also completely forgot my birthday and didnt even call me to wish me a happy birthday and has had "a very late night" every night that he's been there. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Hi,Firstly i would like to say WHY IS HE ON HOLIDAY WITH THE BOYS AND NOT YOU!! I would never stand for that and i feel you ahve tp put your feet down here he should never have been able to take this trip without you tht is what marriage is about being MARRIED. does he think he is a single guy again? Put the frightners on him tell him he goes on hols again without you it is over i don't see how a marriage can work when you appear to be living single lives? sorry for that but it is true we marry to commit and leave our single life in the past that is why so many marriages are breaking up too many people have this could'nt care less attitiude it's all about ME ME ME he has to wake up and smell the coffee get a reality check no more hols with the lads he should have stopped that the day you got married hope this helps.
A
female
reader, jar2007  +, writes (19 January 2007):
 If he is going to cheat on you whilst on holiday with the boys then, it doesn't matter where in the world he is and whether he has paid for it or not - he is going to cheat. So your concerns with Thailand would be the same if he was anywhere else in the world .
It sounds to me as if he has had "total switchoff" whilst on holiday, forgetting to call on your birthday (shame on him... I wouldn't let that one go!), getting angry on the phone when you call wanting to know if he's enjoying his holiday & partying every night whilst he's been there. This does not mean he's cheating on you... it may just mean that he is having some selfish time, which we all need sometimes and this will explain the anger on the phone as he is being reminded that he's only on holiday & that he has reality to deal with too.
How do you know for sure if he has cheated on you?...... well, you may never find out for sure, but your concerns are very valid and you need to resolve this with him when he returns. Marriage is based on trust, (amongst other things), and if you don't trust him then this needs to be sorted, otherwise it will eat you up inside forever.
Maybe it's time to let those feelings out to him (if you can), it may be hard and difficult but who said marriage was ever going to be easy? However, if he loves you and wants you to be happy in your marriage then he really should take your concerns on board and be honest and reassure you - if he's lying then you'll probably know it - trust your instinct - he did the crime before then he needs to do the time (even now). !
If are still unsure & concerned about STD's then make sure you use a condom, a little white lie about your normal birth control will save you a lot of heartache in the long run. If he loves you then he should have no problem with that, if he's lying then he should realise what risk he's putting you in and sort it (health wise), - again trust your instinct, if it angers him then you have to ask yourself why.
In my experience if someone loves you they will move heaven and earth to reassure you when you need it, if they don't then you have to ask why you are still with them especially when he's cheated on you before - he has to work twice as hard.
I really feel for your situation and hope I havn't sounded too harsh. Good Luck :-)
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A
female
reader, eternalleroze  +, writes (18 January 2007):
 sorry but lets cut to the chase ,
- he has cheated on you before - but it doesnt mean he is now , it also doesnt mean he isnt now
- sex tourism isnt the only thing in thailand to do you know!
- late night doesnt necessarily mean he is making out every night , he might just be hanging at bars , talking to the boys and having fun
- constantly asking him what he has been upto , is if not direct , indirect attacking - and he realises your doubts , no matter how well you hide it.
- you gotta make up your mind - either you distrust him and chose not to live with it
or
you trust him and forget all these things and welcome him home with a big kiss saying how much u missed him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007): I'm so sorry you have to worry so much. Have you considered proposing a polygraph test to your husband? ..... This is one way to put the whole thing to bed at which point you can decide if you need to move on or stay together. If he gets mad with the idea ... so what!!!! You darn well owe it to yourself to know once and for all.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (18 January 2007):
 I feel very sorry that you are worring so much, am empathising strongly. You already had issues over trust before he went there it is not surprising. Why is he there without you? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust? Whether he is doing what you suspect or not, you are thinking about your relationship and whether it is making you happy. Being so far away, it is not nice to be angry with you. Do you think he feels guitly about something, is that what you mean?
You will probably get more hints when he gets back. Will he avoid having sex with you if he feels guilty or worried about his sexual health? You may know the wives of the friends he has gone with - what do they think?
If he has sex in the back street brothels without a condom the HIV risk would exist. If he went to one of the large, organised brothels the risk is almost non existant because they are very strict about condoms and the sex workers are regularly screened. I know because I had a male friend (very bad boy - I was very judgemental about it) who went there. He had an HIV test but the doctor told him even before he had it that his chances of infection were almost non existant.
You have to decide which elements of this situation are the ones that bother you. If he has been to a brothel or you suspect it enough what would you do about it? If you love him so much you would ignore it anyway then you had better forget it. There is no point confronting him if he would deny it anyway, he will just tell you that you are being paranoid.
Most men who sleep with prostitutes would not want their own daughters doing the job, would they? People say that boys will be boys, but how many of their girlfriends and partners would not totally lose their self confidence if they found out that the man they love would buy sex with another woman. Why would caring men want their women to feel that way?
If this is really about you deciding that you do not trust him, you need to think about the future of your relationship. Would he put you in harms way? If you think those things why are you with him. Think about the things that other people say in their replies. I personally get hot under the collar about this issue so my reply may be too feisty to give you the right answers.
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A
female
reader, nobody +, writes (18 January 2007):
I can see why youre worried to be honest, having just come back from there with a mixed group, men and women. It seems that men who would never in a million years consider paying for it in England see it differently over there, because it does seem to be totally taken for granted. Two of the guys ended up paying for a couple of beautiful young thai women, cost the equivalent of about £10. I know it sounds awful but they are actually decent blokes ( both single by the way) and i know would never do it back here.I think you should stop bugging him about it though. You dont want to put ideas in his head and give him the old " if Im being blamed for it anyway, may as well do it." If you really think he is capable of cheating on you, maybe you should leave him anyway.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (18 January 2007):
 I'm sorry that your husband forgot your birthday but I'm sure being in a foreign country with a big time difference just confused his brain.
It's true that some people go to Thailand for the sex industry but don't forget the thousands of people who go for the sun this time of year. They outnumber the sex tourists by about 1000 to 1. The only "evidence" you have is that he's been kind of angry with you on the phone but that could be down to all types of things, including wanting to look macho in front of his mates or just wanting to enjoy his holiday without reminders of him. Try not to worry.
CD
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