A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, just thought id come on here to vent a few of my frustrations and get some feed back as i dont really have anyone to turn to for this sort of thing.My girlfriend and i are in a pretty intense relationship, weve been together almost 2 years and love eachother to death, only problem is we argue, but not just your common household argument, we really say some nasty things to eachother. Its normally my fault and i recognise this, i just find it hard to back down and niether of us seem to like not getting our own ways.Were both extremely stubborn and different individuals, but the arguing is really getting me down, we had one last night and i called her a really nasty word and regret it like mad, but its not the 1st time its happened. I really hate hurting her and as much as i love her i really think shed be better off without me.I just couldnt bare to see her heartbroken, or seeing her moved on with someone else would destroy me. I really dont know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSoon567, im aware you have an opinion and i have no problem with you having one or giving it, but its plain to see youve completely missed the point here and not understood my post. Ive looked at a few other posts you have tried to answer, and its clear to see you dont quite understand whats actually being written.
Bex and Eve, thanks so much for your advice, and when shes calmed down i think im going to try talking to her, only problem is i think shes fed up of arguing. I think i forgot to mention, that we really dont argue a lot, just when we do, it usually escalates to the point where one of us,normally me, will say something horrible, that just comes out and as soon as ive said it, i pretty much realise ive gone too far and didnt even mean what i said. Im so stubborn,and so is she and i think thats the issue?
A
female
reader, Dr Bex +, writes (27 January 2010):
Hey there no problem with the advice that's what I'm here for. Vent away to me ad much as you like. I'm stubborn too and I very rarely want to back down. Sometimes though I just swallow my pride and do it. One of you needs to take the bull by the horn and just confront the other one. I'm in my twenties too so I can totally empathize with you. I've been there before and all it did was just made me miserable. Just because you've read somewhere that it says walk away when you love someone isn't always the right answer ad every situation is different. I've been in a relationship where we both angered each other. It's because you do actually love other a lot. Of course it's normal it doesn't matter what age you are. However you do need to be the man and just tell her that you both need to sit down and talk about things sensibly. I'm sure shell back down too and you'll end up eventually laughing about things rather than fighting. Love is a strong emotion so don't give up on it just yet. Hope you sort things out always here to listen.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (27 January 2010):
 Yep, that would make perfect sense to me. You are two very passionate and very opinionated individuals that BOTH think they're right all the time! She can say very nasty things to you which can hurt your sensitive side (oh yes, you have a sensitive side but you hate anyone to think that about you.) But she can also cooly turn off before you can even fight back to defend yourself and she can hold grudges and give you nasty surprises when you think the argument has blown over... right?The best way with her is to let her win... or let her THINK she's won, it will save a lot of wear and tear on your ego. Simply permit her to satisfy herself that she has repaid the hurt or slight she's suffered from you, then SAY NO MORE ABOUT IT. One of the finer rewards for such emotional control and maturity will be her gradual and certain, deeper respect for you. I could go on... but I won't in the hope this makes sense to you.~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eve, thanks for the advice, Im an Aries and shes a scorpio, It would be interesting to hear what that says to you as im not really very educated on star signs.Thanks.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (27 January 2010):
When you ARE getting on well then I suggest you sit and talk about this. Tell her how you hate it when you argue the way you do and that it just makes you feel worse in the long run. Let her know you love her to death and next time an argument comes up you want BOTH of you to look out for it and diffuse it before it blows out of proportion then ask her if she'd do that too.
We all say things we don't mean when we argue, we just want to lash out in the heat of the moment and hurt that person (because they've usually said things to hurt us) then afterwards we feel twice as bad. In future be AWARE when you find an argument brewing! Bite your tongue and refuse to be pulled into the argument. Make her aware too that it's happening again and try to laugh it off, do anything but be drawn into it. The sooner you're aware of it starting and you bit your tongue the less ammunition there is for her to keep on at you. Can I ask what your star signs are? (I knew one couple exactly the same that were both a very stubborn Aries/Pisces couple.)
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, Soon56 or whatever your name is, as i dont remember it, If you could in fact read and understand the english language then you would understand that its a 50 50 relationship, im no woman beater and have NEVER raised a hand to another human being in my life. I will be removing your rediculous post if it allows such an action.
As for the other advice i have recieved, im extremely grateful, and i really like the idea of the fight words, im just not sure shed go for it lol but will definately try.
More advice welcomed, Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply Dr.Bex, as ive said were both really stubborn so it takes a lot to get us to sit and talk these things through, more so after ive called her something nasty and shes upset, its understandable but i wish shed stop running away and talk things through. I really do love her and its hard but ive read sometimes you have to walk away from someone you love. i just dont know what to do. Were only early 20s is this normal?
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female
reader, AlaMich88  +, writes (27 January 2010):
My boyfreind and I would have some crazy fights our first 2 years together. We call eachother every name in the book and actually have physical fights because we too were stubborn and always fought to get the last word in. But eventually we relized what we were doing and how unhealthy it was and we stopped. We sat down and discussed our options: should we brake up and move on? Should wd work on it? And we came to the conclusion that we deeply loved eachother and neither one of us wanted to be without eachother but we needed to stop fighting. We started by having a fight word....if things started getting nasty, he would start calling me "boogertoes" or id call him "cry bebe" lmao and we would sit down and talk it out. Silly names because we wanted to remind eachother how childish we were being. We also started writing eachother, we had a notebook and as soon as we would start having a heated arguement I would then grab the notebook and start writing to him about how I felt about the situation. In turn, we didn't fight, we simply were quiet and wrote eachother. Some other times we would go in diff.rooms and breath for a minute. We have been together for about 4 years now and all those stupid nasty fights we used to have, had def. Made us stronger. We can now get through anything and rarely even fight even more. I hope this helps you, it really helped us. Be upfront and honest with one another, sit it out and talk. Really think about your options and if you two should work on it or move on. Good luck.
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reader, Dr Bex +, writes (27 January 2010):
Hey. Firstly its great you recognise there is a problem and secondly you're getting some advice and help. You say you both say nasty things to each other?. Well its not all your fault then. Are you feeling anxious or worried about something thats playing on your mind?. Maybe there is an underlying issue that is making you angry and you are using this as a defence. Or have you tried alternative therapy like boxing or a sporting activity that allows you to vent your anger?. Your girlfriend must be doing something to provoke you in this way. I think you both need to sit down and talk things through. It sounds to me like you really do love each other. We all have arguements and say things we regret - it doesnt mean we are bad people. Why not suggest a night in to discuss things and resolve things in a civilised way. There is obviously a reason why you are both arguing and you both need to talk it through. You need to try and both compromomise and be less stubborn. Remember small arguements are a sign of a healthy relationship so dont beat yourself up over it!. things will get better but you both need to work at it.
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