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anonymous
writes:I’m in a state of devastation right now. I’m in a relationship with this great guy for 2 years. I love him very much and he loves me very much. When I thought love can solve all problems in the future, I found out that I have doubts. We are looking into moving in together in the next few months. I no longer know if this will be a good idea.He has a daughter from his last marriage (age 6) but he is 25 right now. I always knew this and he told me his daughter won’t interfere with our relationship when we first started dating. We were over at his parent’s this weekend and with my appearance there, he was discussing with his mom about how and when to get his daughter’s custody back. I did not know about it nor did he ever discuss it with me. I feel hurt and scare my future will be control by him without any of my feelings being considerate. I believe relationship involves 2 people making decision, but I do not feel that way anymore. He said he doesn’t want kids in the future. Right now, I don’t want kids as well, but it might change. I am scare. I’m scare I will end up very hurt and unhappy about our relationship. What should I do now? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007): I have a child and would not want to be with someone who would question such judgement. When it comes to kids there is no room for your egotistical issues. There is not even room for an inch of doubt of whether or not my lover would or wouldn't stand behind me. If they wont back me up they are gone. This isn't a game. Children have real needs. If you can't follow thru they will make your life hell as teens. You will reap what you sew with kids. Don't expect a rose garden if you wont give them water.
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reader, Enzian  +, writes (30 April 2007):
 I agree in part of the previous 'Aunts'. It is his daughter, yes and it is first of all his decision if he wants his daughter’s custody back. And I also think if something happens with his daughter’s mother, he would be the first person to have the custody of her. So if you want to be with this man, you have to accept his daughter and if she will because of any reason come to live with her father, you would have to accept this. If you can not accept that he has a daughter, you should leave this man. If you stay with this man, you have to life with the idea in the back of your head, that she might will live in your house at one day for a long time! If you don't want this, leave this man! His daughter is his daughter and you have to life with the idea that she is more important to him than you are. If you can not life with this idea, leave this man!
But on the other hand, I totally agree with you. You are on the side of this man now and he has no right to do decisions on his own that will affect both of you in any way. He should at least tell you about his plans and give you a chance to respond to it. He can not just make decisions and alienate you as he wants! If he wants you on his side, he has to accept your. You are not his slave and you are not with him just for his fun. You are part of his life and you earn his respect. He can not only look for his daughter, he has to care for you as well and give you what you need. You should be more than important enought to know about his plans! And you are more importent enought to get asked about your plans, wish, ideas of the future and dreams!
So think about what you want. Can you life with his daughter? Would you bee ready to look about her, if she would life with you one day? Are you ready to be a best friend to her? Do you want own kids? Would he be ready for this in a few years? What about you reationship? Could he be your Mr. Right? And than talk to him about this. Tell him you that you feel hurt and you feel not important enough to him to know about his plans. And tell him your plans and what you want. But also tell him what you are ready to do for him and hid daughter.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Well, i totally disagree with the two previous 'Aunts'. I think that if you two are together and plan a future together then issues about his daughter should be discussed with you. Yes, it is his daughter and his decision but he should of talked it through with you first and then it wouldn't of come as such a shock when you visited the relatives. Kids have to come first and not be looked on as an inconvenience but there are ways and means of going around things.
If he gets to have his daughter living with him, doesn't that involve you? Who then will be looking after the girl as well as him, YOU of course, so you have a right to know just what is going on. The child need to be brought up in a stable, secure relationship and doesn't mean hiding things behind your back!
Let him know exactly how you feel. Do you feel supportive of his feeling and motives towards the child. If not, then i should review just how you feel about him. Do you really want to stay with him. You are in for a rough ride in the future. The reason why i say this is because one of my ex's had a similar situation so i know just what i am talking about. I tried my best with his ex and their lad, but life wasn't easy. We did split up, because the problems became immense.
Do think this one through carefully. You are a part of his life and you do deserve to know just what is going on.
Take care and keep in touch if you want.
xx
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reader, NJmomabear  +, writes (30 April 2007):
 Well, he was a father before he met you and if that is what he feels is best for her, then you have no right to stop him or to feel slighted otherwise. If you can't accept her with open arms, or the decisions he's making regarding her then dating a single parent is not for you.
Is that how you look at children, as an interference? I understand you weren't considered but the guy must be under the impression that you love both him and his daughter, not to 'ask' your permission to do whats right for her. If you stay, the both of you are in for a rude awakening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2007): Getting any degree of custody of his daughter is his decision. It would be unfair for you to venture any opinion on it because she's his daughter and not yours. I'm unsure, from reading your post, whether it's the fact that he didn't want your opinion or that he didn't tell you his intentions that bothers you. Maybe you're both guilty of being in a relationship where you don't talk enough and neither tells the other that things bother them. I agree that it would be courteous for him to tell you his intention to seek custody of his daughter, but not necessarily to ask for your opinion. Yes, for a decision that involves both of you he should, but not for ones that majorly affect him in the first instance
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