A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years now and I feel like were falling apart everyday. He has a major problem with porn. He looks at it almost everyday on the computer and tries to hide it from me. When we first got together I told him that I didnt like it and didnt want to see it around me. Now I would rather him watch it with me then behind my back but he still prefers to hide it. How else can I approach him and let him know that he cant hide it from me I have tried everyway in the world to let him know but he still choses not to? Also I feel as if I cant trust him and I think that that may be because he lies and tries to hide the porn issue. He always tells me that its me and that I have a trust issue. Yes I do but I also think that he isnt helping the issue out by lying to me about silly things. I also feel that he doesnt like me sexualy anymore because everytime I want to have sex with him he turns me down and says no all the time then finally he will give in. What do you think is wrong with that or what can I do about that. Another question is today we had a serious conversation about some of are past experences and by the way I dont have many concidering he was my first. I ask him what he would do if one of his friends kissed me and he said that he would say ok and that was it. He said that it wouldnt matter as long as I kissed him to and maybe we can have a thing going on. That is totally again my morals so what action should I take. I love this man with all my heart and I dont want to leave him but it seems as if that is going to happen. He doesnt want to try in are relationship and doesnt like to talk are problems out. If you can help any way please respond. Thanks!!!
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): Ah crap, I knew I said it wrong... I meant "being in consideration". [ahem]
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): 96% of porn stars eh? Where did you pull those statistics from, and who are those porn stars? Are you talking about mainstream bimbos or are you talking about 96% of the entire porn industry of the world, including couples, chubby women, gay men and women, bisexuals, fetish, dominatrix, etc?
Anyway, as for marriage alone, I definitely agree to being in-inconsideration for your wife's feelings. Yes, there may be worst things than beating your free willy over Wifey or Asia Carerra and Peter North for the ladies, but if you look at how it can affect your wife's feelings, I think that's enough to try to deter yourself from porn altogether. UNLESS she's all for it, the guy or the lady should definitely try to work out their own sex life.
There are always alternatives, but those alternatives may usually only work with men and women who are less conservative and more sexually liberated.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): Funny, how the male below describes the exploitation of women (96% of female porn stars were victims of childhood sexual abuse' as a 'legitimate hobby. He also obviously has not read the lastest research that has confirmed what most intelligent people already knew that even exposure to mild porn reduces how attractive a man finds his partner. Listen...the fact that many men have no conscience and can only think of themselves does not make it right to treat women in this way. When women start leaving these sorry excuses for men men will be forvced to make some hard and fast decsions. A real woman or a mag and jar of lube.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): So your man likes to jerk it to porn, and he does it pretty much daily. The good news is, jerking it every day or three is totally normal.
Porn industry sales figures suggest that porn is a very popular hobby. Unfortunately, our culture attaches shame and ridicule to porn use, all the while it's producing porn, so it's hard to say how much is "normal". But just like opera or beer, it's a legitimate hobby. Some well-balanced people enjoy it in moderation, and some obsessive types can't even stop surfing porn websites on company time.
Is reading one dirty novel a week "excessive"? How about renting one dirty movie a week? If you're a fast reader, is 2 dirty novels a week OK? Is it OK to watch a half-hour of porn before bed instead of some brainless sit-com? Is it less excessive if you read or watch with a partner? Is it only excessive if your partner doesn't enjoy the porn? What if you and your partner often masturbate together, or are totally comfortable with one of you NOT masturbating, instead of having societally-approved missionary-position "intercourse" before bed? Is it anybody's business really?
It sounds like sex was fine, and then you discovered he uses porn, so you told him you didn't want to see it. Then he tried to hide it, so that you WOULDN'T see it. That shows some gentlemanly consideration, at least. I mean, you say he "doesn't want to try" in your relationship but he DID try to keep his porn out of sight, just like you said you wanted. But the cat is out of the bag, he already knows you find it distasteful or threatening or something, so it doesn't make sense to say you want to look at porn with him.
So now I think the best thing you can do is back off, and respect the spaces and times he's set aside to jerk it to his Internet porn. What you might do is leave a pair of your panties by the computer for him to masturbate with, let him know you don't disapprove of him slapping the salami but you want to be on his mind when he does it. You should be glad he's not out drinking whiskey, throwing money at strippers, smoking rock cocaine, or consorting with prostitutes. Seriously, there are much worse habits than beating off to wifeysworld or pornotube or whatever when you're not around.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Hi there,
Your situation with your boyfriend viewing excessive porn and becoming emotionally and physically distanced from you is extremely common. Your boyfriend needs to practice being mentally monogamous with you, and only you. That means directing his sexual feelings to you and your body whenever he has a sexual attraction to another women (whether it be a women he sees or a women on the computer screen - it makes no difference) This is exactly what a sex / relationship therapist would advice him to do, and if he were able to do it you would notice immediately a change in the way he perceives you, you'll be his attention again and he'll seek to want to make feel happy, loved and special - as a man should want to do in a relationship.
I feel for you that he is your first and your relationship is turning out in this way, but I really would say that if he doesn't want to do anything to fix things in your relationship then you really should consider whether or not things will ever get better for you. Whilst you may not be interested in another man, there are certainly many who would focus their attention on you and only you and with your experience of this relationship you'll be more aware of the signs when things are starting to go wrong. Take care and all the best with whatever you decide to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): It is my experience that watching porn does have an effect on a man's desire to have sex with his partner, and he will like you and I have found out will not want to have sex with you. I have talked to my husband about it but he does not think that it is anything too bad, he says he has stopped watching them ever since I found out and was distraught about it, but whether he is still doing it behind my back I don't know yet, I am keeping my eyes open. They get used to pleasuring themselves and so become lazy and don't want to bother with a real woman, too much hassle. It does something in their brain, we are definitely not over it yet, I am still trying because I love him but when we do have sex it feels like he is somewhere else, not with me that's for sure. Tell him in no uncertain terms thatyou are not happy with this at all and if he loves you and wants a future with you he will have to work at it. All the best
...............................
|
