A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am semi-happily married and have fallen for another girl. This girl is also happily married and she has fallen for me. Neither of us went looking for this since we were both in seemingly happy marriages. Now my marriage is under strain and I'm not totally sure but feel maybe hers is as well. The thing is, I want to pursue a relationship with her and while I think she does to, she feels as though she can't due to her commitment and possible family impacts. We see each other every day and can't get enough of each other despite being unable to act on these feelings. We have tried to stop seeing each other so regularly but we can't. She's my best friend and I can't stand the thought of losing her and the longer I spend with her the more I realize I want to be with her.I feel like I'm in love with her and everything she does indicates she's in love with me, though she tries to deny it by not disclosing her feelings to me verbally. Despite the difficulties we find our relationship amazing and can't bear to break it off. Officially we aren't cheating, since there has been nothing physical, but the strong emotional nature of our relationship means we probably already are. She's too scared to take the risk, but I want to be able to convince her to go for it. I guess you only live once and to deny such opportunities doesn't feel like the right thing to do for me.The advice I'm probably gonna get is to break it off with her, but the advice I really want is how to completely win her over. So I appreciate any advice along the lines of the first point, but would 'really' appreciate advice along the lines of the second point!Thanks!
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (6 December 2007):
 I may not know all the "aunts and uncles" on this web site, but what I feel I can say for all of us is that no one here will offer you any advise on how to win your mistress.
What is best to offer you is to stop your affair with this woman and comminicate more openly to your wife and let her be the one that you can't wait to come home to. The majority of the time, if you really, REALLY dig deep into your relationship, you will find your answers of why you let the affair happen...and that reason, should be turned around to work those "issues" out with your wife.
How would you like it if the shoe was on the other foot? Wouldn't feel nice would it? The hurt, the pain, the disrespect...think about it...and chose wisely. You have a family that I'm sure loves you very much and I'm sure your wife would be open to talk to you about any type of problems or issues that you have concerns about in your marriage, and right now, your just thinking about yourself...think about them.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 What makes you think you're not cheating??? You're up to your eyeballs in deceit and emotional infidelity. Any advice about your second point would make only help to make you more selfish than you're already acting. You need to give your head a shake and wake up.
I'm not trying to be rude, just blunt. You're acting like an alcoholic or drug addict who'll do anything for the next fix. You guess you only live once....isn't that nice. Why don't you steal your neighbors car too, you only live once....correct? After all, you want a sports car too. Don't forget that everybody "only lives once" and if people spent more time doing what was proper and nice, we'd all enjoy our "once" a lot more. Your wife and your lovers husband only live once too. Don't they deserve some respect for their "once" ?
You seem to be able to elude the moral obligations we owe each other as humans. Until you figure that out, you are someone who contributes to the chaos of the world as opposed to someone who helps keep things flowing smoothly.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 One of the great things about marriage is that when you have a problem or dilemma you've always got someone to talk it through and give you some advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Hi rockelle, I'm the question poster. Thanks for your honest and thoughtful response. In answer to your questions, there is a child involved, my son (15 months old), and naturally that complicates things significantly. I guess without him in the picture the decision could be a lot easier for me.
I'm confused about the state of my marriage since prior to this happening it was OK, not bad, not great. I guess I was content and happy to bear with it. But having this other relationship has highlighted the flaws in my marriage, so I no longer look upon it favorably.
I guess the best plan for me, taking your advice on board, is to continue with things the way they are, without pushing it any further. This will give me more time to assess both relationships and make the decisions you have mentioned. At this point I can't clearly assess the long term viability of my 'new' relationship. It is amazing now and I couldn't imagine it not been amazing, but this could be some sort of honeymoon period and I need to see beyond that. I guess it could go physical at any time, which may further complicate things. While I would like the physical, I'm not driven by that as our relationship is deeper than that, and I have a lot of respect for her position and what she wants and doesn't want.
Who knows what will happen, this is an amazing time in my life and I wouldn't swap it for anything, but on the other hand, it is difficult, for me, for her, for my wife and her husband. Neither of them know, but I'm sure they both suspect.
Thanks again for your help, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about this, as the other person in the relationship is the only person who I am able to talk about it with.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 No body no body could tell you to go and divorce your wife, who is the innocent party here. I don't know the reasons behind your semi-happiness or whether it is your semi-happiness that caused you to get closer to that lady.
If you remember although happines is what we seek in marriage, it is also a responsibility, committment and contract. So your semi-happiness is not an enough justification to end your marriage and try to be with that lady. of course cheating must be out of question. And on the other hand that lady as you say is happy. Why would you ruin her marriage. And one more point if you, say, after divorcing your wife, and after also her divorce, get married to her, she may not be the same person. You will find a wife not an excitement.
Any way if you want to pursue this affair to the end at whatever cost and the risk, do this without cheating physically, so that you two both in the future do not feel guilty and bad about yourselves.
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A
male
reader, Guitarboy  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Well techincally you are cheating even though you haven't had sex. You are having an emotional affair. Easier to fall into (because they seem harmless) but just as damaging because whatever you are sharing with the other woman, you are withholding from your wife and it's already causing problems. Temptations such as this are going to come along but if you are somewhat happy with your wife already, you need to stand firm to those vows and not throw them out the window over lust. Also, if you are not completely sure what this other woman actually feels for you, you'd be foolish to throw your marriage away on the assumption that she feels the same way you do. She may not. You may be nothing than a shot in her ego; a fling she needed to feel better about herself. I seriously doubt your love for each other is strong enough to withstand the storm of the divorces you will both have to go through in order to be together, and the guilt that follows. I also suspect that once the aspect of sneaking around, and doing the forbidden thing is removed, you'll both become quite bored with each other and realize you made a horrible mistake. I think you should seriously reconsider your feelings for this woman and not let your zipper overrule your head.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (5 December 2007):
 After reading your post I am going to give you an honest opinion. I think that pursuing a relationship with this women is a bad idea. Winning her over means you walking out on your family and for her to walk out on hers. That is not the responsible nor the fair thing to do for you, your friend, and both of the partners that are involved. I think that you should take some time to asses what you REALLY want, and are you ready to leave the life that you have now. Are you truly unhappy and want to leave your marriage or are you just infatuated with your new found love interest. This is serious business. Would you want to leave your wife if this other women was not in the picture? If you decide that you are willing to seriously leave your wife then the only left for you to do is to sit this women down and let her know how serious you are about being with her, figure out a plan and follow through with it. For example where will you live? Are there children involved? Child support? Alimony? Wife/Husband reaction? There are a lot of things to think about so I suggest you plan ahead, and think things over.
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