A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Helloi have been with my bf for close to a year. We are both nearly 22. Recently i have been feeling some pressure on the relationship as he never seems to have any time for me. We both work full time and then when it comes to weekends, if his not working his busy training or doing car stuff. We so not live together he does stay over a couple of times a week after his been to the gym or what ever else comes up so i cant say im upset because i never see him because i do but inbetween everything he does. I dont believe quality time together includes the 2 hours between dinner and going to bed. (im barely ever invited to his house for dinner unless i ask) I know its not his fault he has so many commitments but this saturday he was meant to come with me to an event im attending and iv been ao excited out a day together. Then just on cue something importent comes up and he has to attend it.I dont want to be the needy gf but i cant help but feel disapointed because this isnt the 1st time (or 2nd or 3rd..) time this has happened. Its like something more importent always comes up and im always feeling like i come secondI have my own hobbies, friends etc but am i asking too much from him to want some time together? I dont know what to do ita causing me to be upset with him all the time. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (4 November 2010):
No you are not asking for too much, but you really need to let him know that it has been on your mind. If you haven't noticed, men are quite oblivious. I've had times where other commitments come up unexpectedly, and I'm forced to back out on previous plans. My GF tells me that its fine and that she understands, yet sometimes weeks later she will finally tell me how hurt she was by it and that its been on her mind all this time.
Don't tell him, "Its fine, I understand," if you really aren't fine with it. He'll think you do understand and it won't ever bother him again until you mention it.
This is why you need to talk to him. The more you keep it bottled up, the more angry you'll find yourself at him. Pretty soon you'll have outbursts at each other because of all the built up tension and it will take weeks to unwind. Just sit him down sometime and tell him what you have been thinking. Unless he's unreasonable, chances are he never actually meant to hurt you and is more than willing to listen to the problem. But don't make it "his problem" and don't get angry with him. Discuss it carefully and show that it really concerns you and upsets you sometimes. If he really cares for you, he'll do what he can to make you happy.
Trust me, its not that guys don't care. We care a LOT. Its just harder than you think it is for us to read the female mind. You need to talk to us and let us know what you're feeling almost constantly, without placing the blame on us (making us feel bad for something we honestly didn't mean to do will not help solve tension)
I wish you the best of luck. Just stay calm and collect and really express your feelings.
A
female
reader, Maria-consuela  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 No, you aren't asking too much. You aren't being demanding, you aren't causing problems.
Essentially you are telling your signifigant other that you would like to spend more time with him and that you enjoy his company.
It seems as if he has time to train, spend time with friends outside of work - he should have time for you. When you talk to him about this, what is your response? Perhaps it is the manner in which you address it that is the problem.
Being as upfront as possible is usually the best way to determine any future action. While you may feel you are being articulate and perfectly clear, he may feel you are nagging or trying to control him and is pulling away. While his reaction is not justified it could just be an issue with communication.
(In person) have a discussion with him and tell him that you miss spending more time with him and that you would like to see him more often. Ask him to be proactive in helping you make this happen, scheduling a specific date night or planning an event.
Have this conversation in the most direct way possible. If he doesn`t budge or put any effort in than it is your decision to make moving forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, ClassyWoman +, writes (4 November 2010):
Well I have heard this story so often. Young men want it all and young girls can get trapped into supplying it all. I think it is time to start being busy. The nights he usually comes over cancel a few hours before and go to the movies with a friend. Do it random so he does not get suspicious. Join a gym yourself but a different one and wear hot gym clothes. Start making him chase you. Men love the chase. He is too certain of you -scare him a little.Your man may not want to settle down and commit so you need to find out.Start being a little mysterious and a little secretive -that should get his attention. Good luck honey. A relationship is a two way street. If you are doing all the work then give up.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 November 2010):
 The predicted response of your questions would be, "What do you mean? I was just with you last week."
You are probably wondering where this relationship is going. I have a lot of experience with this. Let's just assume he loves you but is just disorganized. I am also aware of men who bury themselves with work and activities to avoid intimacy. Usually men at the beginning of the relationship are not very meticulous with time management. They think they could do whatever they want because they are not attached yet. He needs to start feeling you are his priority. To achieve this you need to make him feel he is needed, appreciated, and admired. He needs to start to believe he really loves you. When you express frustration you would get the opposite result of what you want. You could say to him you miss him, you wish to do that again next time. Even ask him for advice on how to manage time better. Or even ask how his event went and have active interest in what he does. It might sound like you are invalidating your feelings but it's better to express your feelings to your female friends now. You will get your reward for being an "understanding" girlfriend. He will mature with you and be more empathetic as he spends more time with you. But for now, just word hard to keep his interest. A man takes a long time to realize how important a romantic relationship is to a woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Tell him how you feel. Open lines of communication are one of the best things you can have in a relationship. Right now, he seems to put you in the number 2, 3, 4, or even lower spot and that should not be the case. My man is the most important person to me and we are like best friends. I'm not saying I leave my friends out of everything. A good relationship is one where you both view each other as extremely important in your lives. You mean the world to each other, but you both know the other has friends. You make time for both parts of your lives. He seems to leave his relationship time on the burner when something else comes up. I hope it works out for you.
...............................
|
