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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I am a early fifties female that works in a beauty shop, for 5 years now. I met a younger male there 4 years ago that brings his 82 year old Grandmother to the shop. We became casual friends. He lives with his grandmother to help her out, and does her laundry, grocery shopping, takes her to the doctor, beauty shop, and picks up her prescriptons. I moved a few houses down from them last year, and not on purpose, as I did not know they lived there at the time. Over the past year, we have become really good friends. (That is all for we are for now, and maybe forever, which is fine). I enjoy his company more than just about anybody else I know, and I think he enjoys mine. We walk around the neighborhood, ride bikes, etc., and he works on my car, and when he gets sick I take him some medicine and check on him. Last October, he went with me to my storage facility to get some things, and then we go to a Halloween store to shop, then we planned on seeing a movie nearby. Mind you, I work full time, and clean houses on the side as a 2nd job. He works full time and also has a 2nd job, so time together, especially going out like that, is rare and special. In this particular month, it is the ONLY day we have off together. Gran calls him while we are Halloween shopping, and says that she is hungry, and he HAS to stop and come home and go get her something to eat. Mind you, we were all the way in a different county, in MY car. I said, dosen't she have anything at home that she can eat just for this one night? He said no. So we leave. When we get to their house, I made it a point to look in their fridge, and there is 12 frozen dinners, as well as cans of soup on the table. We never did see the movie. I kept my mouth shut. In November, he worked on my car till late, and got home close to midnight. The next day, he tells me Gran now has him under a microscope and he can't come in my house for a while. On Christmas Eve, he brings Gran to the beauty shop to get her hair done. We are very busy that day, and after he puts Gran in the car to leave, he comes back in and we go in the back so that I can hug him and wish him a Merry Christmas in private, which takes about 3 minutes. When we walk back to the front, Gran has gotten back OUT of his car, and is yelling, where is he? So I just stay away from him for a few months, out of frustration. We recently started hanging out again. I was walking in the neighborhood 2 weeks ago, and he came by in his car, and I asked him to give me a quick ride to a friend's house while he went to the grocery store. (It was on the way). My friend said that if he put together her treadmill one day soon, she would take all 3 of us out to eat. When he came by to pick me up, Gran told him on his cell phone that he couldn't come in and talk to my friend for 5 minutes because her takeout food would get cold. Yesterday, I asked him if he would ride with me to a department store, and help me pick out my boss's husband a couple of things for his birthday, and then I would take us out to dinner. He said he had to run get Gran something to eat first. I said ok, and patiently waited, even though that made us really late leaving. We were at the restarant enjoying ourselves, and Gran called and said that we had to leave NOW and go to the drugstore to get her nerve pills, before the pharmacy closed. I said, can't it wait till the morning, and he said, she hasn't had her nerve pill yet today. So we stop and race to the drugstore, night ruined. Several times he has asked me over the past year to go check on her while he is working. When I do, she complains about how little money she has, even though she has volunteered that her house is paid for, she owns a lot of property in a nearby state, and she gets 2 nice checks, one from her late husband's pension. I am poor, too, but think that it is tacky and boring to talk about that. Then she tells me private things about him, like how much he owes, the last time he had sex, (3 years ago), and that he has blood in his stool. So I stop visiting her when he is gone. Then 2 months ago he asks me to check on her, as there was a death in the family 10 days ago and she is depressed. I take her flowers, candy, etc.. and I am there no more than 10 minutes when she starts up with the private stuff again. I stand up and say, sweetly, Honey, I am so sorry for your loss, but I feel that this is inappropriate for us to talk about, and I left. He told me 3 weeks later that she want to know why I never come by and see her anymore. I finally tell him that she tells me private stuff and it makes me uncomfortable. He says nothing. My friend says Gran talks bad about him to make sure that I am not romantically interested in him, cause she is afraid of losing him doing her bidding. I definitely do not want him to stop helping her. I just think she is not being considerate, and being controlling and not letting him have a life. I have tried to talk to him about it but nothing has changed. Is it too much to ask for for us to have 1 or 2 days a month where we hang out and she leaves us alone? My family lives close by and I love them but we do not interfere in each other's daily lives. I am so frustrated. Am I going to have to give this wonderful friendship up, or what actions can I take without looking like the bad guy? I took care of my mother when she lived close by, and I know from experience that you have to set limits, especially if you work full time, or they will expect way too much and not let you have a life. Please help. We have fun together, get along and laugh, and I do have other friends, but he and I get along exceptionally well.Please keep in mind I am NOT saying thst she needs to be put into assisted living, that he needs to stop taking care of her, or make me his priority, I am NOT. I just want a few hours a couple of times a month uninterrupted for us to talk, laugh, and relax.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 I see what you mean, but he DOES get free time : the 12 hours a day. That he needs to spend these 12 hours working , rather than taking walks with his friends, that's its problem, it's not really something that should concern the lady. If he works 12 hours a day , and, I suppose , he sleeps 7-8 , plus the time he attends to his personal necessities ( showering, shaving, shopping ,running private errands ...) then all the old lady gets is maybe 3 hours a day of assistence on workdays and some more on days off , which is not unfair in exchange of board and lodging. At least, I am sure she sees it this way :).
Anyway, that's not really relevant, what matters is , is HE frustrated too about the situation ? Is he feeling all this as strange or vexing ? Because if he is not , then you don't have much leverage. If he feels , for whatever reason, that Granny absolutely SHOULD come first and anything else second... Or, if he actually ENJOYS spending all his time with her, then it's even worse.
Do you know for sure what he feels about his obligations, does he complain about them ? ...Because you can encourage people to make changes ... when they WANT to change but are hesitant. If they do not want to change, it's a waste of time.
You could bring up the caretaker burn out , which is a very good point. As a concerned friend, and an ex caretaker yourself, you could remind him the physical and psychological need for taking breaks and mantaining a personal life and identity as other than a caretaker. This is a common problem for all the "care " professions, from doctors and nurses to.. moms with young children. No wonder that so often they have nervous breakdowns and develop depression. You could try to insist on the health angle, his physical and mental health. See if it sinks in.
For some reason, though, I've got the feeling that you won't make much of a headway ( I hope I am wrong, of course ). In this case, DO think of yourself first, move on without too many scruples from a friendship that's cause of constant frustration and aggravation , thereby defyng its own purpose . I don't think that you need to make any official proclaim, you aren't so very close after all, you can just let things slide and fade away on their own. Or, if he asks you out on some outing, you can politely but frankly decline telling him that you realize it's not his fault, but your outings are regularly cut short by his family committments, and since yourself have so little free time, you need to be able to stick to a plan and enjoy it with no disruptions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much, everybody! Cindycares, I see your point about him being her caretaker. I worked as a caretaker for 1 year, and NO caretaker is on call 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. Not healthy. And I understand about falling, getting sick, earthquake, etc. But she manages very well when he is at work for 12 hours. There is always 911. There is such a thing as caregiver burnout, and the people I was a caregiver for (live-in) encouraged me to get out a couple of times a week by myself. But you are right. I see frustration and resentment in my future if I keep spending time with him. I don't think 2 evenings out of a month is asking a lot. But I have very little time off, and what time I have I am not going to have my evening controlled by the non emergency whims of a selfish grandmother. Believe me, even when I visit both of them in her home, she is constantly having him get up and wait on her-bring me a napkin, a soda, hairpray, lotion. And half of the time she waits until he sits down to ask him to get something. I give him credit for a lot of patience. But I deal with a lot of seniors at the shop, and I don't think being a certain age gives you a free ticket to be selfish and controlling. So guess I better bounce. Any suggestions as to how I should tell him I am not going to be seeing him much anymore? In a way that is tactful and nice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): I'm curious about a few things-Have you talked to him about how you feel, and asked him how HE feels? Straight questions- does he mind being at his grandma's beck and call 24/7? Even, does he mind being away from her when he is with you? -he seems VERY attached to her? Perhaps he is 'mummy's boy' but to his gran rather than his mum?Is his mum living locally also? -Would she be available to share the load? If not, maybe he is making up for that with his gran?Finally- you sound as though you want this to be a lot more than a friendship. Is this something which you're aware of and do you know how he feels about you?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 April 2013):
Yes, I am afraid that there's not much you can do ( except perhaps bringing up the issue with him, but threading very lightly , with much tact ).
The lady is 82, stubborn as only young children and old folks can be, she is not going to change, to " understand ". The difference is that with young children you can say no, you can contrast them or ignore their tantrums , you can be severe for their own good. With old people, come on, who wants to take a strong stand against an 80something old lady and spoil her last years on this earth by " getting tough " ?
Plus, I agree that this sounds like a rather punitive situation for your friend, but you haven't considered two things :
1) this " full time custody " may be precise part of their arrangements. He lives there, I don't know if he is paying rent and bills, but if he is not, or only helps a bit, maybe that's because he is SUPPOSED to give his time and presence instead of rent.
2 ) old age is vulnerable, regardless of health conditions. An old person living alone may brim with health, but is generally much less prepared to respond to emergencies. What happens if she slips and falls ? If there's a fire, a burglary, an earthquake ? What if she feels sick suddenly , needs to go to the E.R....and does not drive ? There are tons of domestic accidents and little ( or big ) everyday problems that an older person is not perfectly equipped to deal with, and that are potentially dangerous. That's precisely the reason why you would not let a healthy , intelligent 8 y.o. child home alone all day, or just several hours in a row : ...because you never know . And it maybe the reason why this grandson is reluctant to leave her alone for relevant amounts of time even if the lady is a healthy, crusty old bird :).
That's why, although I think you can delicately put out feelers to see if your friends can come out with a way to carve himself some private time, ...I would not hold my breath. If you want to keep this friendship, you'll have to be patient and accomodating , if the cons are more than the pros , then maybe you need to reach out to other people who are unencumbered.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 She's old selfish and stuck in her ways...it would be hard to explain to her that she should allow him more time to himself. Old people can act like young children and you know there is no reasoning with them. I think you should just try to accept granma as part of the deal of having a wonderful friend xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.s. Plus, I can't wait her out. She is 82 and being a decent person I hope she lives a long long life. She is basically healthy and could live another 10-15 years, which would put him in his late 40's,early 50's, and I can't wait that long! I just don't understand -if she really cares about him she should want him to spend some time doing what young people do, and probably what she did at his age, and not stay up under her all the time. She expects him to sit around at home with her all the time he's not working. She is ok if we both sit in the house with her. But I deal with senior citizens all day at the beauty shop, and no offense, when I am off, I want to be active and have fun and go places!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thanks for the answers. We are already good friends, we talk for hours and go for walks in the neighborhood, he works on my car, I took him meds when he was sick, but we are only friends. Everyone should have a friend like him-he is non-judgemental, good listener, makes me laugh, hugs me when I cry, has told me he really cares about me. That is why I am so reluctant to let our friendship go, cos it is one in a million. And we ALWAYS have fun together. Monday he went with me to a department store to help me pick out a birthday present for my boss's husband, and we went to the toy section and played with toys and laughed ourselves silly. And if Granny had a TRUE emergency I would jump in the car and drive like crazy to get him home. I just think she is being selfish and inconsiderate to expect him to rush home when he is in somebody else's car and it is not an emergency. I don't know what to say to him without sounding like the bad guy.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 April 2013):
You are barking up the wrong tree.
This grandma's behaviour may be extreme, but it's far from unexplicable, I'd say it was to be expected. She counts on your friend for help, support, companionship and affection, in a way he has become the partner/ husband she has not got anymore . She is old, a bit selfish, set in her ways and probably SCARED as most older folks can be, so it's normal that she tries so fiercely to mark her territory, curb her grandson 's social life, and keep you at bay.
That does not mean he HAS to enable it. Being a good caretaker and grandson does not mean being a total doormat. HE is the one who should defend his time and privacy, and decide when his grandma's requests are legitimate, and when just an egocentric cry for attention.
I understand that for you it may be very awkward to bring this up, since you have no official position in his life. You are not his gf, - and even as a friend, well, it would be a difficult talk even for a close friend, but you are so far more just like aquaintances.
I think all you can do is just to speak your truth, in a non accusatory way. Tell him that you enjoy and cherish that little time you get to spend together, that you feel it does a lot of good to both of you, and that you hope/ think it would develop into a real friendship , if only there was more of it. Has he got any suggestions for being able to spend more time together ? ? Does he not feel there may be another way to handle things, to still care for the old lady without totally giving up any hope of social life ? For adults it may be difficult to juggle work, family obligations, and social life, yet it's important to do that , what are his thoughts about it ? See what he says. He may just need a gentle push to be more defensive of his personal space, and knowing that he's got a good friend who looks forward to spend time with him may provide it.
Or, alas, it could also be that your get togethers aren't nearly as important to him as they are to you , and that he would not lift a finger or risk crossing his Grandma jst to spend a cople of hours with you. ( You don't really know if he is as frustrated as you with the situation ).
But, hey, at least you'll have tried, and said clearly ( but respectfully ) what's on your mind. From his reaction, you can decide how to proceed, and if you need to ditch the friendship totally , or not.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 April 2013):
Oh dear what a pain in the butt she is...I can see why you are upset. She is probably terified that he's going to stop caring for her, if he becomes closer to you, so she's acting up!! When your old, you can get away with the bad behaviour and who dares to challenge you...lol!!
Don't blame him, he probably feels like a two headed chicken and doesn't know what to do for the best, bless him, and he's taken care of her real good, so no wonder she's clinging to him.
Thing is, she's 82, so what are you gonna do??
If you like this guy, then remain close to him and just accept that he's doing all he can to keep both of you happy (except you are getting short changed by an ageing diva). She is going to play the guilt card everytime and the poor dude is trying to appease her.
Stay with it for now, accept what you get with a smile (guilt tripping him is aiming it at the wrong person)
One day Granny is going to turn up her toes, and then maybe you guys will have your time then!!
Just hold fast, because some loves are worth waiting for!!
xxEm
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