A
female
age
51-59,
*cequeen1
writes:I am in a dilemma here. I met a guy in September at a party, both drunk. We kissed and talked. I bumped into him at a bar 2 weeks later and we just went straight home and jumped into bed. 3 weeks later we meet again at a party and home again. We have great sex and great conversations. And obviously I am starting to like him a lot. I left something at his house last time and he e-mailed me the day before Christmas telling me that he was going away so if I wanted my thing I would need to come and get it. Which I did. He was very happy to see me, hugged me and kissed me. We talked and kissed and ended up in bed. He was very sweet when he was wishing me happy hollydays etc but not a word from him since. Nothing. According to his sister in lwa (friend of a friend) he is truly smitten and thinks that I am interesting,fun, intelligent etc! So my question is: Should I contact him at all or just leave it up to him? I am very insecure when it comes to dating due to a horrible divorce experience and have a low self esteem. Thanks for you time. K
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christmas, divorce, drunk, insecure, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 December 2012):
 OP, I feel that he shouldn't judge you for having sex before a relationship developed because that's exactly what he did too. How dare he judge you without also judging himself? It might be what a lot of men think, but it's still double standards.
If you like him and you have reliable info from your sister in law that he likes you, I see no harm in contacting him and arranging to go out on a date that doesn't involve sex.
I do agree with other posters that if you are feeling vulnerable at the moment, you shouldn't jump straight in to bed with men. You will end up getting hurt.
Good luck and I hope it works out.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 December 2012):
 If you have sex with someone before a relationship, I personally think that it really lowers your 'value' so to speak.
I agree with IAmHereToHelpYou that you gave up the prize from just a casual meeting and now he knows that you have sexual feelings for you that he can bring out of you, without being in a relationship.
You need to stop having casual encounters like this immediately and put the idea of a relationship to him, to find out whether this becomes more than a 'sexual arrangement' for him.
Personally, although you might not want to hear this, I wouldn't consider somebody that I'd seen 3 times and had sex with them on all occasions, girlfriend material.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (28 December 2012):
Im going to give it to you straight - you are nothing more than a booty call for him, and its that way because you let it.
Forget about any possiblity of a relationship with this man. He will never see you as anything more than the above. Live and learn.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Well, you met him at a party,both of you were drunk; then saw him at a bar two weeks later and went straight home and into bed.
Tell me: did you get ANY indication after the great (though drunk) conversation at the first party that he was interested in seeing you again? I know too much alcohol clouds one's thinking, and you say both of you were drunk.......
Second: whose home did you go to? Your's or his?
You say you went through a horrible divorce and have issues of low self-esteem. If you are "very insecure" when it comes to dating, unfortunately the man you're with is going to pick up on your that feeling, even if you're trying not to show it.......if you jump into bed with him (well, this particular man is who we're talking about here) he may well get the impression that you're desperate and will do almost anything to get a man. Being drunk only makes you more vulnerable in your desperation and insecurity.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's something to think about.
Should you contact him? Well, that's up to you, of course. Just decide if you want to immediately have sex again, or whether you might want to pull back and just get to know one another more.
Finally, keep in mind that guys tend not to respect a woman who is too "easy": too keen to have sex with them so soon.
Men like to pursue a woman a bit.......he MIGHT call you again, and you'll have to see if it's just for sex, or whether he might possibly have a real interest in you as a person.......
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 December 2012):
 It's only been 3 days since christmas, if he is away, maybe he is too busy to contact you so why don't you try calling him and ask him out on a date?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 December 2012):
iAmHereToHelpYou makes it sound like you should be prostituting yourself! That's crazy "advice".
If you're happy being casual with him then let him contact you, because more than likely he'll be contacting you when he's horny.
If you would like something more then you can contact him. If you let your self esteem issues prevent you from taking a leap of faith every once in awhile you won't be a happy person because you'll always be settling for what life gives you.
However if you contact it should be for something other than sex. Get to know him without a "reward" at the end of the night.
Note that you don't have a relationship as of yet so he has no obligation to call you every day. You guys have only seen each other a few times. Maybe he likes to take things slow or is a busy guy. Who knows? But I think you're letting your insecurity get ahold of you here... especially considering this was only a few days ago and he said he was going away. I'd relax a little bit.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2012):
 IF you want to take it to tne next level then you have to STOP having SEX with him.
I would surely call him at least once and see how it goes...
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (27 December 2012):
 You kissed him drunk in a bar. Two weeks later you bump into him and straight to bed, and then same again the next time. He might not see you as girlfriend potential because of that. You could call him and find out his mindset on this. Don`t be disappointed if he only wants sex from you though.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 December 2012):
I know, easier said than done when you have low self esteem, but why not ask him out on a date? Nothing ventured, etc. Send him a text asking if he'd like to go for dinner or a coffee. And don't jump straight in to bed. Hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, Icequeen1 +, writes (27 December 2012):
Icequeen1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the original question asker who is writing.
Thank you so much for your time and advice, most apreciated. I am fuly aware of that this is a pure sex based relationship as of yet. I just want to take it to the next level and I guess I am lost as in how I go about this.... If he does not call, should I call?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
Honey he's treating you as a FWB nothing more nothing less.
I'm betting he will contact you again when he's horny and wants to get laid.
First thing you need to do if you really like this guy is STOP HAVING SEX with him. You have to establish a relationship first with a man before you have sex....
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (27 December 2012):
If he is smitten, thinks you are fun etc etc, like his sister says, then why has he not called? He sounds like someone that`s in it because sex is on offer. That`s all. I hope I am wrong.
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