A
female
age
36-40,
*helles08
writes:Ok so I've been dating this guy for almost 3 years now. About a year ago, we started talking about getting married...but he recently told me he wants to wait until he's done with school and has a job (we are both mid-twenties, I graduate in April, he still has 2-3 years left) to get married and I respect this decision. For the last 6+ months, we've been fighting a lot lately (the first two years were near perfect). This scares me because we don't even see each other but maybe 2 times a week (we live ~20 mins apart and it's been this way since day 1 of dating- he works every day til 11pm and has school before that). and I don't want to move in together until marriage, just for moral/personal reasons. So the fact that we rarely see each other anyway and fight when we do really is horrible. He has a very short temper (he admits it) and problem is, he needs sometimes DAYS before coming to me and talking about an fight/issue we had, no matter how stupid it was. This is sooo frustrating! I'm at my wits end. I love him so much, and still want to marry him. Our last argument- I made him a dinner surprise (ziti) and was going to bring it to his house after he got off work. I text him if I could come over when he gets home (after 11pm) and he says he is already home (he didn't go to work- too much homework he had to do, so he stayed home). This irked me a bit that he didn't tell me he was home. I told him I had dinner for him, and he flat out said he didn't want it (he's on a diet). He didn't say "thank you" or anything. This upset and hurt me and so I told him that and he said "You're seriously mad because I don't want your dinner? See? this is the kind of stress I don't need right now...I have to go back to my homework." I then prompted to hang up on him which he was mid-sentence...that was two days ago. Haven't heard from him since :( sorry this is so long...advice??? ugh. He never used to be like this...I'm hoping its just stress from school/work for him, taking it out on me. Just a few weeks ago he was saying how bad he wants to marry me and how much he loves me. But we lately are fighting all the time! over such childish things. A few months ago we took about a week break from each other after a huge blow out. We almost broke up before that break..and after, not much changed. We are still arguing. I think maybe another huge factor is we just don't have time for each other right now..but we do love each other.
View related questions:
broke up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (4 February 2011):
Yes. No one likes something rubbed in their face especially when it is hard to apologize to begin with. No, do not leave him. But if he does leave you please please please handle it like a lady. Cry when you get off the phone. If he breaks up with you just say, "Yes things have been rough lately maybe you are right." Respect his decision then try your hardest not to contact him again period. That will be the absolute fastest route for him to come back. He will be able to really think and he will miss you bottom line.
A
female
reader, chelles08 +, writes (4 February 2011):
chelles08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone who responded. This is all very good advice, much appreciated! We talked last night, and he did apologize, but I then added after that "yeah that was really wrong...you really hurt and upset me" which then of course lead into almost a screaming match on the phone, him yelling saying what more do I want from him, I'm rubbing salt in the wound, he apologized, what more can he do and he feels he's not good enough for me. I no wish I would have just taken his apology and shut my mouth, said nothing more. Tried to apologize for saying that, but he was too angry and didn't want to hear it. Basically, I think we are about to break up :( I didn't sleep at all last night. He had to get off the phone, he was too angry. Said he'd call me today (likely when he gets off work tonight). I feel like that is going to be the "break up" call. Should I just call it quits?? I really see this guy in my life for a long time and love him so much (he is my first- my first EVERYTHING, makes it so hard) I don't think he is willing to put in the work it takes. It's just so crazy to me because just a couple weeks ago he and I were saying how much we loved, cared, and wanted to be with each other and would hold on til he was done with school to do that. Thanks everyone
...............................
A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv +, writes (4 February 2011):
 he may need space. ask him if he has found out anything about you or if you have done something to him that you dont know of. write him a letter or text explaining to him how much you like him and what he means to you. If he does not respond, you may have to move on. Learn to love your self more than you love him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Stress will do that to a person. It makes folks pick a fight, often over trivial thigns, because they're at their wits end. But it takes two to fight.
Don't engage him when he's in that kind of mood. It causes rational points (for instance, you knew he was on a diet, or he knew you worked hard on it for him) to create entrenched mental defenses. Stress makes you more invested in being right than in working as a team.
If he gets mad? Problem solve. I'll use the ziti as an example, but it could apply to anything. When he says he doesn't want it, or is too busy, say, "Alright, let me know if you need anything with your homework, then." Say it nicely, as if you actually mean it (which you should). End the phone conversation nicely, call up your friends, and offer them the ziti. Play the "I need sympathy!" card if you need to with them. A few days later, when he's less stressed, you can tell him how hard you worked, and that you just wanted to surprise him so he would be happy. That's when you would get your thanks and your apology - and more importantly, he would really mean it.
It's tough to stay angry at a girl who doesn't get angry back. Don't lash out, just tell him you're there if he needs it, and go find a way to solve whatever problem you have independently. Set a good example fo rhim by dealing with your problems with grace and serenity.
...............................
A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (4 February 2011):
I know how you feel. My boyfriend use to do this and it hurt and stressed me out to the fullest! Now is not a good time to talk to him about it. I advise you to chill out. He is probably stressed and needs you to understand. Back off and let him contact you when he wants to talk. I mean let him contact you more period. Basically give him a little space. Let him ask you to come over etc. Pick your battles very carefully. When you get on good terms talk to him in a calm voice and say to him that you both should vow not to go to sleep angry or something along those lines. Tell him how you feel when he takes days to call you after a fight and ask him to please stop doing that. No yelling, whining or arguing. Then, if he does it again, do it to him! Take 4 days instead of 2.
...............................
|
