A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and in October I moved in with him. At first things were good. We were both spiritual and wanted to find a church together. Since moving here, I found a church and he has decided to give up all faith in God. This is a big deal for me. Also, just before I moved in I found some porn on his computer and we have had absolutely no intimacy in 5 months, except for simple kisses. (I know that seems contradictory, but I'm thinking of our future with marriage and kids.) Since moving here, I have also learned more of his personality, such as a short temper and a negative attitude towards life. We love each other, but I don't know if it's a good idea to be with someone who has these different views towards life. I have tried to discuss it with him, but I get the usual irritated shrug off. Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): If you could expand on your two's relationship, examples of things that he gets mad at, the times you get along and the times you don't, including conversations you both have, who has reduced the sexual intimacy, this would help us get a better picture.
Withdrawing, short temper and bitter outlook on life has a cause. Trying to narrow down to get to the root of the problem is always difficult. When a person feels closed in, no one listens or cares, whether true or not, it becomes difficult to help them. But watching behavior swings, what caused them, and when he was happy, what was going good, and then th transition to who he is now, answers like "any idea what may have caused this", such as lost job, does he feel picked on, ridiculed, mis-trusted, does he feel like he only hears complaints. These things can help open up the individuals world and allow us to look in and find the problem.
We all can tolerate being belittled, mistreated for so long. Some people, we allow to harm us more then others, but there is a boiling point where people either "blow up", or they melt down.
These things the person may have experience adds upon themselves, they build up. Someone may have said something that hurt their feelings. If the person who is close continues this, feels no remorse, or doesn't recognize the pain inflected, they again will become distant.
Watching porn, I've seen, is a reflection of the relationship (I think). Even when males don't get mental or physical intimacy, they will satisfy their need by visual. Eventually if left uncontrolled, it could mean having affair, because the get desperate for the intimacy, which they feel they can't get from those close to them, like a spouse.
This writting is just to offer ideas, avenues to consider and watch for. For every action, there is a reaction. Humans are reactive creatures, like nature. We all need at times to be nutured.
A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (30 March 2008):
 Yikes, sounds like a different person than the one you met! It must drive you mad that he won't even discuss these changes with you.
You've moved from another place into his home. If you think about it he has you in a vulnerable spot. I would recommend you take yourself out of the vulnerable place.
This guy sounds like a jerk. As long as he thinks he has the upper hand in the relationship, he will ignore your needs. Once things are balanced, then he's trying to catch you again, and will do what you want.
Watch out, guys like this will tend to put you down, when you try to pick yourself up and be independent. So you'll need to make decisive steps without his input, as you try to free yourself from his clutches.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Hello there,
Gosh, I am sorry to see that this has happened to you. Was he a long distance bf? If not and you were dating him almost a year, surely you would have picked up on this weird aspects of his personality? How disheartening. I am trying to figure out what happened that he changed so suddenly like this. Did he have a stressful or traumatic event that you are unaware of? Is he a depressed person? It appears like he is either a good 'con man ' and had you fooled or something very dark has caused this big change, in him. I am sorry to say this, but it seems he is not the fellow you fell in love with. And it is a good thing that you discovered this now, before marriage and children. I think you have to sit and really think about what kind of future you can have with this fellow, especially now, in light of these startling changes. If he won't discuss it with you, well you can't do much about this, can you. You need him to explain what is going on in his head. But if you feel this fellow is not on the same page as you, as far as values go--you may have to make a very heartbreaking decision in letting him go or seeing if you and he can talk this out. But you cannot resolve this all by yourself. He has to contribute to this relationship, too. I hope you can resolve this. Please be a strong girl and try your best. But if there are no changes, then look out for yourself and think about going it on your own. I am sorry for your sadness and confusion..it must hurt.
Anne
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 March 2008):
 Be firm in your standing. Let him know that you're thinking about your future, and the future together. He needs to know that you, being an important person, won't jeprodize your future with his inaction. You still deserve a good future, with or without him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): If you don't like his out look on life how do you expect to get married and have kids . He's not going to change over night and he may never change at all . If believing in God is a big deal to ( which it is 2 alot of people me included ) then ask him to go to chruch with you and try to make him believe .... but there's only so much you can do .... Tell him that you don't like the porn and ask him to not look at it anymore ....If you don't like the way he acts maybe you shouldn't be with him ..... tell him you have to talk to him and don't let him ignore you
thats all the advice I have for you . I hope it helped in some way
*~VG~*
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