A
female
age
36-40,
*allin66
writes:I met a boy during the summer of 2009 and there was an immediate attraction that was not something I usually feel with anyone. But he has some sort of obsession with girls.. for instance, he'll go places just to meet them and then see if he can take them home and have sex with them. He is also a performer in Vegas and after his shows, girls are always all over him.Over the past year and half, we have become incredibly close, even though we rarely see each other because of the distance. He treats me completely differently than he treats any other girl, won't let a day go by, no matter how busy he is, without calling/skyping/texting me and sends me things in the mail that he thinks will make me happy. Of all the times we have physically spent together, we have only had sex 3 times. He also drove 600 miles in a borrowed cargo truck to spend 24 hours with me for Thanksgiving because he knew I was going to be alone.He tells me he loves me all the time... but after all of this, he doesn't want to be with me. He says he's scared, because he can't stop thinking about having sex with other girls, because of the distance, because we fight sometimes, because the next girl he's with is the girl he's going to marry. Although he refers to me as his "friend," he says that sometimes he pretends I'm his girlfriend and thinks about it all the time. He has suggested several times that we be together, but he never follows through. But I want to be with him so badly. I've tried to get over him several times, but every time we stop talking, we end up talking a few weeks later and nothing has changed. When we do stop talking I cry every day for weeks. We have something that we both feel is so special, he is always there for me when something in my life goes wrong, and I don't know how to let him go... I want him to realize that having a girlfriend can be a good thing.So my question is... what do I do? Is it okay that he feels this way about me and wants to kiss and have sex with me but doesn't want a relationship? Should I be okay with that? Or should I be his friend and torture both of us by not doing anything with him sexually when we're together? Or (try to) stop (once again) talking to him completely? It is all so confusing to me and it makes me feel sad as much as it makes me happy. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I have been there so I know how you feel. I met an amazing man 4 yrs ago when I was 36, he 35. No children, never married, stable, good looking, a gentleman. We did this song and dance for 3 years where I was not really his girlfriend but "kinda sorta" if that made sense. He would drop anything for me, sex -out of this world, my friends were blown away by the things he would do for me, we never argued a lot, he said i was the type of woman he would marry - but he would never committ to a relationship. He dated others, read self help books, was tormented because he couldn't understand why he was the way he was. We broke up so many times I have lost count and he always found a way to draw me back in. One time he said he was thinking of making changes and wanted me...so i went back. Nothing changed and a year later he didn't even remember telling me what he did.
The hardest thing to do is walk away for real...cut off all contact, even the slightest will reel you back in. I kept this song and dance going for 4 years, even after he became a christian a year ago and was making noticeable changes. He asked if we could be friends and we were for a while, but we could not just be friends...and he could not committ.
This is an emotional roller coaster that only you can remove yourself from...trust me, if I had listened to the advice of two different counselors when they told me to have no contact with him I would have saved myself this pain. Talk to an objective third party that can give you perspective.
A
female
reader, fallin66 +, writes (1 December 2010):
fallin66 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice! I am new to this but I have to say reading what everyone thinks really helps. I am going out of the country for a little over a month at the end of December so I'm hoping that the extra distance and space and being unable to talk whenever we want will help me gain some clarity... maybe make it easier to back off and eventually get over him... even though I know that sounds really weak (because it is) since I really should just cut off contact but I don't know if I can or want to do that.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 November 2010):
 For one thing, this man is not physically close enough to be able to spend much time with you, given how much he travels.
He tells you he "sometimes" pretends you're his girlfriend but in almost the next breath tells you he wants to have sex with you, but without a proper relationship. Plus he fantasizes about having sex with other girls........
You know what? He's literally all over the place: emotionally AND physically. You've been together a year and a half - although not seen much of one another during that time - and while he clearly does feel a connection with you, he is no closer to making a commitment.
It does not sound to me as though YOU are okay with his attitude and uncertainty.
I suppose you COULD try waiting a bit longer to see if he finally makes up his mind, but this is very stressful for you, and there's no guarantee as to which direction the weathervane will blow him in next.
Consider the evidence and your own capabilty for patience, and what you really want, and after thinking it over, come to a decision. When you've made up your mind you need to be very self-disciplined in sticking to it, come what may.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): you deserve much much better than friends with benifits! Have you ever told him how you feel again recently? It seems like he doesn't know what to do, he wants a gf and to settle down yet he wants to play the field. It's a hard one because it seems like he genuinely likes you yet he is also stringing you along which isn't fair on you. If i were you i would try move on and find another guy that will give you what you want
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Depends, is that what you want to settle for a pretend "relationship"? That would be settling for less than you want which is an actual relationship. A year and half later, and he still likes his freedom of having sex with all kinds of women then playing games with you. This guy isn't going to commit, he's not going to change anytime soon. He likes his life in Sin City.
I say move on and cut off contact with him, find a man that will commit to you and give you the relationship you deserve. Instead of waiting on a man who sleeps with numerous women who won't give you anything but a potential STD.
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A
female
reader, sarahlynn +, writes (27 November 2010):
 hold back. play hard to get. by doing this you will see if he really wants you. tell him you will be there when he decides he wants a relationship but until then you shouldn't have sex with him, you shouldn't cry over him. life takes time and it sounds like he isn't ready to commit quite yet. Sex isn't everything. And it sounds like he can't decide between love and sex. make him choose: if he can't live without you, then it will show. He will change for you or he will choose the other way. it will hurt, but life goes on.
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