A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i really need help please. my husband and i have been married for almost a year now. we have been living with a friend of his who is older and is like a mom to him since we can't afford a place of our own yet and she helps us out with finances. problem is she always tells people he is her husband when she talks to people and it really hurts and bothers me. one time she was in the hospital she referred to him as her husband and to me as her roommate when she was talking to someone. she used to do everything that i should be doing as a wife but she finally has stopped that a little bit. she always tries to hold his hand and it really bothers me along with few other things. when we go out she wears bindi when she sees i have mine on-i follow hindu culture. thing is she isn't married.i have mine on 24/7 but she always does it if we go to temple or on any road trips. i try to keep quiet as i know she is like a mom to my husband and i know i don't have to worry about him but i really don't know what to do.someone please help me.
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (15 October 2011):
 What you are describing is definitely a "menage a trois", in the platonic sense. And while I think this other lady calling your husband "her husband" is largely harmless, the other things that you describe show an insidious pattern of undermining you in front of your husband. Your husband is YOURS, never forget that.However, as long as you are living with this woman and she is financially assisting you, you are in a lowered position. You are playing on her turf, and she holds most of the cards.I strongly, STRONGLY recommend that you start looking for another place to live. In order to establish your own house with your own husband, the two of you will need to live together ... without her.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 October 2011):
 It seems as if this woman's hospitality is coming with a price. She gives you a roof over your head and financial help, in return she's trying to push you out of the marriage. I find it odd that your husband is condoning this woman's behavior. Why are you living with her? Between the two of you, do you not have any family you can shack up with until you get back on your feet? Do either of you have a job? Have you always had this financial trouble even before marriage? Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to get married just yet and live with your families, until you had the funds to start a life together. Other than communicating with your husband..and asking him that he talk to this "friend" about her inappropriate, disrespectful behavior, the only other option you have is to obtain a job and start saving every penny to move into a 1 bedroom apartment.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 October 2011):
 While you are living under her roof and taking money from her I think you should just put up with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): This is very odd. How does your husband feel about her behavior?
I think you need to discuss this with him and let him know your concerns. See what he thinks. If he views her as "mom" then I think it would bother him if she's calling him husband.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 He might look at her as a mother figure, but in her eyes she looks at him as something else. She refers to him as her husband, yes off course this is going to hurt and annoy you, even though you trust your boyfriend off course you don't want to have to hear things like that. Have you spoke to your husband? At the end of the day it is her house therefore there is not a lot you can do, she is being kind to you both by letting you stay with her, maybe she just likes the thought of people thinking that she has got a toy boy. But when she is trying to hold his hand this shows that she has deep feelings for him. It is an awkward situation I must say but the best escape out of it is to move out before it drives a wedge between the both of you. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Look in to renting a small one bedroom flat to last you till you look for some place of your own, as a young married couple you need your space before you both drift apart. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (12 October 2011):
 What is he saying about all this? And what does he do when she acts like that to him?
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 I suggest you tell your husband how much this bothers you, and ask him to confront this other lady. Explain to him how it makes you feel, don't blame him but use "I feel... Angry/hurt/upset/frustrated etc.I suggest you write this all down first, as to the reasons why you feel like you do. So start I feel angry because... I feel hurt because.... Then write down what you feel you would like him to say to you to make you feel better. So "I feel I would like you to say XYZ I feel I would like you to do XYZ" finally write down why you love him, and what you want the future to look like.With this in hand you can be more confident when discussing it with him. He is your husband, he should want to make you feel comfortable/happy etc etcIt must be very hurtful for you to feel like the third person almost in your marriage. Is there any where else you could live? I wish you luck
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