A
female
age
30-35,
*oimoimoi
writes: My boyfriend is here as an exchange student. From the beginning, he made sure, that what he can certainly give is this one semester. After that, he has no idea what will happen. There was a chance he might stay here for internship, he might go to the US, etc, there were many possibilities. I accepted it and started the relationship. But things changed during the past 3 months. He got an internship back in his country. So it became clear that we will break up after this semester, since he keeps saying he cannot do a long distance relationship. Maybe he just doesn't want it, with me. Anyways his flight ticket is for Christmas eve and he wouldn't change the date. He wanted to travel to New york for about 4 days before he leaves, and when he comes back, we were supposed to have about 7 days for ourselves. He asked me to come with him but I really can't afford a trip right now. But today, he suddenly tells me he wants to stay there for 5-6 days. When we knew we are definitely going to break up with him leaving, I told him clearly that I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with him. But he wants to choose traveling. 1-2 more days may seem little, but for me, it means a world. For me, New York will stay as long as he's alive. And he can come anytime if he has a chance. But me, and our relationship, and this one week that's allowed for us, never comes back. I know i may look petty crying over 1-2 days. But I don't know. I thought we had a pretty serious and strong relationship even if its a one short semester thing. And I feel like I don't mean to him that much. I never thought we were just having fun. I knew there was an end. But this kind of hurts me. Whats your advice?......
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): I doubt that anyone can really judge the depth of that young man's feelings for you, better than you can. However; men usually don't let our emotions swerve our ambitions. Logic sometimes forces us to choose our goals over our hearts. Long-distance relationships wear on the nerves and frustrates the heart. I would never voluntarily form one. If my committed partner was deployed by the military, did missionary work, was given a scholarship to a foreign school, or had to travel on business; I could adjust to the LDR. I would hold on as long as I could; because our relationship was formed "before we parted." Knowing from the beginning that we'd be pulled apart. The one time I would say never, that would be it. He allotted time for you, his studies, and his travels. He is a young man on a journey, and you were part of that journey. Like typical college relationships, they don't necessarily last very long. I totally disagree with the person who says he used you. You accepted the forewarning, and started the relationship with a full understanding. Do you see how torturous his parting is to you now? It would feel just as bad longing for someone oceans away.Pining for him to be with you. So he has to cut the cord and free-fall. Now you must reclaim your heart, and begin healing from your grief.Your feelings are more important to you than his plans. His plans were always set, and that is what he is committed to.You made the agreement to make a sacrifice. He didn't. Now others try to make him out to be some kind of cold-hearted male. They're wrong. Do you agree with that?He knows his time with you is ending and has gone as far as he can see. He hasn't lost his focus, and he made a good impression on you all the same. He had to set you free to find love again. He also had an opportunity he may never find again. No one knows how this feels for him. I don't expect many ladies to give him benefit of the doubt.The extra few days wouldn't have made you feel any better.Please force your heart to bid him farewell. You are a very young woman, so that makes this all the more painful for you.The grief and longing will fade in time. That's where your youth is to your advantage. Start forming new friendships and increase your social activities to clear your head and give yourself some healthy distraction.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 There was an expiry date on this relationship from Day 1. When something like that happens and you know that doom is inevitable, somewhere down the line you start accepting that its already dead, even though its still got a few breaths left.
This guy knows that its going to get over with you. The truth is, he could have done the LDR thing if he wanted because nothing is impossible, but he chose not to. Its his choice. As far as he was concerned, you were with him only for that brief amount of time to give him company and he didn't/doesn't see any future with you. Maybe he's fond of you and all that, but he doesn't love you or feel as strongly for you as you do for him, and really, you cant fault him for his feelings.
He wants to squeeze as much of his American dream into whatever little time he has left. Also, he did ask you to accompany him, so he made that bit of an effort from his side. OP he knows that his time with you is over and I think he also knows that the last few days with you wont be as much fun, because you will be miserable about him leaving. Also, in his mind its already over so what sense does it make to waste what precious little time that he has, doing nothing but moping? He would much rather spend it in New York and experience America because he might not be able to visit again. If you cant afford a trip from Canada to New York, what makes you think that he can afford a trip from his home country anytime soon? And who knows about what life holds, everyone wants to live in the moment and you cant blame him for that.
I think you should end this thing gracefully and with dignity and not drag it out till the last day. YOU know its going to get over, HE knows its going to get over...why make it more painful by prolonging the pain?
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 Sweetie, it sounds to me, like if he’s saying that he can’t do a long distance relationship and is willing to break up once his time there runs out, he can’t be that crazy about you.
I’m not saying this to hurt you. It’s just the unfortunate reality. If it was as serious as you think, he would do everything in his power to make it work, even through the distance. Or at least TRY.
He’s willing to just walk away and let it end. That’s a sign that his heart isn’t in it. So it should come as no real surprise that his travelling to New York and staying an extra day or two doesn’t phase him. He’s not as into this relationship as you are.
He’s playing it smart, to be honest. He’s probably trying to keep his feelings out of it as much as possible so that when it comes time to leave, he’s not devastated. Maybe you should try to spend this time attempting to detach yourself from him, as well. Because come that time to leave, will you truly be okay with the split?
Think about this.
For me, I could never get into a legitimate relationship with someone where I knew it was inevitably going to end. The only way I could, would be if I just made them a FWB and kept all feelings out of it. I think this is what he did.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 November 2013):
One or two extra days is nice, but so is a couple of extra months... it's got to end somewhere.
He has an opportunity to spend a few days in New York, and that may be a once in a lifetime opportunity, what with visas being hard to come by sometimes.
Just make the most out of the time you do have then move on after he leaves. There's likely no chance you'll get back together so you have to move on. It's very difficult, I'm sure, but you knew it would be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Your boyfriend invested his feelings in your relationship; according to the known time-limitations, and his pending opportunities. You put your feelings entirely on him, and ignored everything else. He is a foreign-exchange student which from the start means he is there under a student visa.He must focus his time and energies on his studies. Anything else he decides to include, will take less priority. A relationship was not totally practical; but he has needs.He is human, and needed female-companionship. You knew the drawbacks; but agreed just the same. The outcome is pretty harsh.These are the sacrifices and realities of dating an exchange-student. He gave you as much time as was feasible; but the sooner you begin detachment and recovery from his absence, the better off you'll be. You were willing to sacrifice far too much; with so many inconsistent factors facing you. Neither of you have the luxury of time. If he doesn't chose spending the last 5-6 days with you, that means he has already begun the emotional process of letting you go. He was honest about having no intention of maintaining a LDR.He spared you that much pain. You now know you cannot control your feelings under such conditions; and see his reasoning for handling it as he is.It doesn't necessarily mean he feels any less pain, he is just handling it differently. He may see going to New York as a way to avert his pain and dilute his grief; as opposed to a painful long goodbye. Guys will almost always opt for the least emotional way out.That allows you to spend more time with your family, who you'll be needing for the comfort and support.You will most certainly be overwhelmed with emotion; and understandably clingy. He knows that wouldn't do you any good. As painful as it is.Most guys are just not up for that kind of dramatic experience. He's not being cruel or insensitive; although I would expect lady aunts to argue that opinion.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 November 2013):
 To look at things in the harsh light of reality and not through the rose tinted glasses of romance / infatuation.
The reason he is taking some time to travel is PRECISELY because your relationship had an expiry date and no future. I mean, how seriously one can take a relationship with an expiry date stamped on from the beginning ? Don't get me wrong, I am sure he likes you a lot , he's fond of you, maybe in the meantime he even got very very attached to you, and saying goodbye will be hard for him too. But, in the greater scheme of things, your story is over anyway, so keeping it alive 24 to 48 hours more or less really does not make any difference, and might as well use the time to see a place that NOW is closer ( and less expensive ) to visit than when he will be back home.
Yes, it's more practical than romantic thinking, but, for a transitional love, it makes perfect sense. Not to say that it won't be difficult for him too to part ways, but- at this point, and since you both KNEW from day one that both of you were going to be left soon only with fond memeories, he thinks that the fond memories have been already accumulated and 1-2 days won't change the bottom line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): My advise? Whats the point? He's basically telling you the relationship has an expiration date. So what exactly is the point of trying to spend time with him? It just doesn't make sense. He is using you, going on vacation, then breaking up and leaving you. If you were my little sister, I would tell you to have more self-respect to tolerate something like this.
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