A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 45 year old male who is engaged to a disabled 57 year old lady. I am also a carer as a look after her a lot during the day. We also have professional carers that come in most of the week. We have been engaged since 10 October 2009. Unfortunately, my partner went through a lot of sexual assaults in the past and I have been there to support her with this. I feel that our sex life has gone downhill a great deal short time., as we hearly ever have sex anymore. If we do, she only handrelieves my gentials a short time before bed. It is a long time since I regularly perform oral sex on her or have intercourse, because she says I am too heavy. I am feeling a little sexually frustrated because of this. Have you any suggestions? Apart from the sex, ourrent lationship is ok. We kiss and cuddle, but I would like more physical genital sex.
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female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Was this question also yours, by any chance?http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-have-some-obstacles-in-our-sex-life.htmlIf not, I apologize, but the poster of that question had an issue similar to yours and was given some good advice about more accommodating sexual positions.That said, if your partner's disability is severe enough, she may consider sex more trouble than it's worth. That plus a history of sex that was likely violent and certainly unpleasant for her may have made it much easier for to write sex off than it would be for you to do the same.There's a very important point to be made here. She has the right on any given day not to have sex if she doesn't feel like it. In fact, she has the right to never again have sex in her life if she doesn't want to. You don't have the right to pressure her to have sex with you, but you DO have the right to decide that no sex in a relationship is a deal-breaker for you, and to find a new partner whose libido more closely matches your own. It's not wrong or unfair of you to want sex to be a part of the relationship you are in; she just may not be the right woman to give you what you seek.I would have an honest talk with her about what you and she can do to make genital sex more enjoyable for her. This could include the possibility of seeking professional help to aid her in addressing the trauma of her past if she has not done so already. If she has no suggestions and doesn't seem interested in improving the situation, you effectively have your answer, and you'll need to decide whether you'd rather have a celibate life with her or a sex life with someone else. That's a decision only you can make.Best wishes as you work through this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): What is your ideal scenario here? If she is unable to get on top of you and you are too heavy to get on top of her, it doesn't leave a lot of options does it? Do you have something in mind that you would like her to do that you think is possible? Because it really depends on her and what she is able to manage with her disability. I'm sure you don't want to cause her any pain or discomfort so if most sexual positions cause that then I don't know what to suggest. Unless you are too heavy because of excess weight and you could maybe lose some?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2013):
 I'm feeling like I've seen this question before...
but I can't seem to find it....
if she is so disabled as to have to have caregivers come regularly is she even able to have penetrative sex?
if not your request is unreasonable.
If you are too heavy for her and she has limited mobility i'm not sure what you expect?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): What is she capable of doing (physically)? I don't need graphic details, but it sounds like there are some physical accommodations that need to be done. With vaginal sex, it sounds like you are too heavy for her so this is causing some pain for her and it's not pleasurable. Is there another position that isn't going to hurt her? Is it possible for her to give you oral, or no because of the disability and positioning etc.? Is her physical health going downhill? that would be a reason that she is unable or unwanting to have sex. Another issue is hormones. If she is close to your age, she may be entering menopause, which would definitely screw with her hormone levels. I don't know if she is taking hormones or if doing so would help or not, that could also be part of the problem. Of course, there are psychological issues as well, her past assaults. I know you've worked with her on this before, but it's going to be a continuing thing since (as you know) those things don't just go away. I know you're putting a lot of effort into this, but you may be pressuring her without meaning to. You do sound like you mean well and I don't think you're an ass just because you want sex. I mean, that's part of the main difference between "just friends" and "in a relationship". Is it just you that's putting in the effort or is she trying to do something different too?
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