A
female
age
30-35,
*ucy92
writes:so my younger sister confessed to me that my fiance kissed her!!she seemed pretty upset and she didn't know how to tell me she said she pushed him away and told him that was wrong and was freaking out.he told me he didn't know what he was thinking, it just happened. Crying he said he was sorry he knows he messed up. i don't know what i should do? We have two kids together and i love him, but i am honestly really hurt should i forgive him or not?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 February 2012):
I would only CONSIDER forgiving him if he gives you a good reason to. That reason being behaving like a future husband and father of your children ought to behave. But even then it would be hard. Ask him how you can possibly marry a man who has proved he can't stay true to his wedding vows--before marriage! And kissing your younger, possibly underage sister is such a slap in the face I would probably put off marriage indefinitely at this point. If he still wants a shot at this he should earn your trust back properly.
Forgiveness is a great thing, but being too quick to forgive is what turns people in doormats and turns others (potentially him) in to manipulative bastards. Being a doormat really conjures that behavior, because once people realize they can get away with it, anything goes. The temptation is enough to turn some of the sweetest men into rotten apples. So beware of that.
Let him know how much he hurt you. Tell him you will not accept flimsy excuses like "I don't know what happened" and "it was an accident!" Excuses like that are given by weak, pathetic people. The first step to earning your respect back is to at least take responsibility for his actions. And crying? That's the oldest trick in the book because he knows us women are a sucker for tears.
Also, don't think that having children together changes this. Marriage won't erase a cheating personality. It just makes the break up more complicated. Don't be one of those who thinks staying together for the kids or marriage will solve problems like these. It only makes them worse.
What I would suggest is putting off marriage and taking a break. Tell him that you're disgusted he would disrespect you in such a way and that you had to hear this from your sister--if he had been really remorseful he would have come to you immediately. Instead he didn't, choosing to deceive you rather than be honest with you--honesty and trust is what a proper relationship is built on, and it suggests this one isn't. At least not on his part.
To some, kissing may not seem like a big deal, but in my opinion, if you're willing to exchange saliva with someone other than your partner, then the next step: sex, is easily done. The fact he didn't come clean until after your sister rustled up the courage to face you may also indicate he has done stuff like this before but got away with it because no one told you.
Think this over well. And respect yourself in all choices you make. What would be your advice if this had happened to a close friend? Think that over well and take that advice.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I really wouldn't trust a word he said. If you have any questions as far as what actually happened, talk to your sister. It sounds as if he came onto her and she was pushing him away, telling him to stop. He's 20, and from what it sounds, forcing himself on your 15 year old sister. This is beyond f*cked up and creepy.
It doesn't matter if he was drunk, or sober. A 20 year old has no business trying to kiss a 15 year old, especially if she is the sister of his fiance. This whole situation is really creepy and wrong on so many levels that I don't even know how you could possibly work past it.
How could you ever expect your sister and your creep to get along after that? And what about your parents? Do they know what happened? I'll bet if they ever find out, they'll never look at him the same way again and will have nothing to do with him. There are some things that you simply cannot and should not look past. This is one of them.
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A
female
reader, lovelybuzz  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 You should forgive him for the sake of your family ,but keep an eye on him and your sister,make sure she is not sending mixed signals to him ,she's young less mature,men will be men,put your foot down .Everybody deserves a second chance . Forgive him and try to stay positive as much you can and keep an open eye on him .Don't give up your relationship .
Good luck
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I wouldn't forgive him... and i'm a very very very forgiving person. truly I take crap that most of the aunties here wouldn't ever DREAM of accepting.
He kissed a MINOR. she's 15 he's 20? with two children already?
was he drunk?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 There really isn't much difference who you kiss as long as you've kissed someone else other than your partner. It's just as disrespectful to your relationship either way, and it's just as much cheating either way, regardless of who it is you kiss.
What form of kiss was it, just a peck on the lips or a french kiss, and again, talk to him about the context of the kiss. Come back with more information about the context and you might get different answers.
As for now, with the current information, I will stick to leaving him in the dog house for a while, but forgive it in time. You don't have to forgive right away, sure, but maybe in 2-4 months you'll be over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): I see multiple red flags here and I'm going to list them in order of increasing importance.
First, he didn't come clean to you about it until your sister told you first. If she had said nothing, you'd probably never know. If you stay with this guy, you're going to have to watch him like a hawk, because it's doubtful his conscience will prompt him to come clean to you about any future transgressions.
Second, it sounds like he kissed your sister against her will. That is creepy, shows a distinct lack of respect and boundaries, and if done to one stranger on the street by another stranger could probably be prosecuted as a crime.
Third, your sister is FIFTEEN YEARS OLD! If your fiancé is anywhere near your age, i.e. over 18, it IS a CRIME for him to have sexual contact of any kind with a minor, let alone a non-consenting one. If she hadn't protested the kiss, do you think he would have stopped there? Where does it lead when he kisses you?
I'm sorry you have kids with this guy, because that makes it much harder to kick him to the curb, but I really think that's your best option here. I promise you, he didn't cry to you because he regrets what he did. He cried because he regrets that you caught him. Don't waste another minute of your life on this aspiring pedophile. Please.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): "We have two children together. He's my fiance. Should I forgive him for kissing my younger sister?"
Look on the bright side. Things could be worse. Imagine being in this situation: "We have two children together. He's my husband. Should I forgive him for kissing his my younger sister, his sister-in-law?"
Easier to threaten your "fiance" with calling off the wedding than to threaten your husband with divorcing him.
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female
reader, lucy92 +, writes (31 January 2012):
lucy92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your opinions...im taking all of them in count!!!
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A
female
reader, lucy92 +, writes (31 January 2012):
lucy92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my sis is alot younger than me i'm 20 and she is 15 i know her very well and she is still very innocent never talks about guys or having a bf. she said he has only done it that one time.
me and him have been together for 4 years. he is an amazing guy can't really say anything bad about him. but he really did mess up.
this is something to hard to forget and forgive. i want to think theres still a possibility for us. but i find that very hard.i have also kissed someone else; someone who doesn't know or who knows him. but he kissed my little sister.
should i give him a second chance?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 January 2012):
ps. If you do forgive him leave him in the dog house for some time as punishment. Don't take him into the warmth to be comfortable just yet.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 January 2012):
Were they drunk? Has this happened just one time? How long ago was it? Why didn't he tell you himself?
Talk to him about this again in a calmer manner, without the crying and excuses. Get down to the matter of the fact. Why did he kiss her, under what circumstance, and is this something that is likely to happen again?
If they were drunk I'd excuse it as a one time thing. You've been together for several years, your sister and he must know each other well by now, as friends, and friends do end up testing boundaries at time without that meaning anything else is going on. Friends kiss friends at times, on the lips, or randomly without thinking about it.
I once had a boyfriend who kissed my BROTHER at a party. They were both drunk and testing each other to see how far they could go, silly games. Anyway, I wasn't pleased with it, but I know they weren't going at it behind by back... as they are both straight and not attracted to each other. They still did kiss. And I was happy that my brother wasn't a girl, because I'd find that less acceptable. So I understand your issue with this. However, like I said, get to the context of it.
I'd excuse this as a one time off. You have too much at stake to throw it all away over a kiss that could be random, thoughtless and meaningless. If it happens again he is out, be sure to make that clear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): I wouldnt be able to forgive him myself but its not really about forgiving him you can probably do that the question is will u be able to ever trust him again?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 This couldnt have been the first time this has happened OP, I'm dead sure this guy has been up to tricks earlier.
Assuming you're 21 and already have 2 kids, how are you supporting them? What is this guy's contribution in your lives? You haven't given us much to work on, but from what little you've said, he sounds miserable.
Of course its entirely your decision now. If this is just a slip and you're sure he wont do something like this again, you might forgive him. But on the other hand, is he worth forgiving? Do you think he wont do anything like this again? Do you even want your children to be with a father like him? These are questions you have to ask yourself, and also think about the children involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): He didn't know what he was thinking? Has he got psychological problems or is that just a very poor excuse? Perhaps he didn't want to openly admit he wanted to have a fling/affair with your sister?If I were you I'd leave him. He cheated (tried to) with your sister of all people. I honestly don't think he just had a moment of madness. After all it was your sister who told you. He was hoping to just keep it quiet.It's sad but having kids won't make him stay faithful or undo the hurt and from the sounds of it he could well be a cheater (in the past, present or future). It would be far worse for your kids to see you two become extremely angry, hateful and bitter towards each other instead of remaining civil but apart.The main reason however that I suggest you break up is because he's shown he's untrustworthy and only acted remorseful when found out. He obviously wasn't racked enough with guilt to tell you before.
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