A
female
age
36-40,
*rmyofme
writes:I am 24 and I have been with my 25 year old boyfriend for 3 years.I'm not sure if this is all in my head, or something I'm reading in our relationship... but I don't feel like he is very attracted to me.. mentally, emotionally and sexually. :/You could say we're something of an odd match, opposites in many ways mentally and emotionally, but I've always tended to think that we complimented each other, and at times in the past we have each commented on how the relationship has helped us to grow as individuals. However, in the last year he seems to be criticizing me all of the time.. I feel as though nothing I do is quite right for him. I have attention deficit disorder which does tend to lend an element of frustrating chaos to my life... I'm often running late and rarely organised for the task despite my best efforts. He always seemed able to laugh this off until more recently, now I look at him and I can see his annoyance manifest physically all accross his face. At first he made out like he understood the condition and he was supportive... now he snaps my head off and tells me it's probably not even a real thing and I'm just not trying.Having always had the condition, I have always heard these things from friends, family, teachers etc, and I am quite sensitive to it. Between this and being raped as a teenager, I have suffered from a very poor self image - I dropped out of school at 14, had all kinds of emotional problems - lost a lot of years to anorexia. However, my previous boyfriend was very understanding and supportive and helped me to rebuild a lot of confidence - so much so that I mustered the courage to sign up to a nursing degree. I am now in my final year at university, and I am struggling of course with the organisational aspects of it, but I'm determined and sticking with it nonetheless. It might not sound like much, but to me this is a big accomplishment and something I once thought I'd never achieve. It makes me feel sad that my boyfriend reacts with such disdain at the smaller failures - like starting some work later than I should (I always get it in on time in the end) or being late for classes (I get up three hours early to try to compensate for this tendency but still fall short sometimes. But I DO try.).I guess ultimately I feel like he doesn't respect me as a person and that he finds I fall short of expectation. I feel like a failure in his eyes.I feel as though he is becoming less physically attracted to me also. For the first couple of years we always had a healthy sex life and he showed a lot of sexual interest in me. Now most of the time I initiate the sex and he often doesn't respond. He gets annoyed and says that I should be reading the signs that he's not available for or interested in sex. I've tried to be more aware but I find it quite difficult to tell without him saying so.When we first got together people would joke that he was "punching above his weight". A couple of years down the line and I've gained about 20lbs in weight (taking me from very skinny to average weight) mostly due to quitting smoking, and I'm finding it very hard to shift for the same reason.My boyfriend has also gained some weight over the years but he's currently on a diet and hitting the gym all the time - and telling me that I should too. I try to explain that it's difficult for me to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time - but again it all comes down to me not trying hard enough. As much as anything, I'm worried that focusing on food when I'm feeling a bit mixed up anyway will bring about my old issues with food, but he doesn't take this seriously. I ask him if he is still attracted to me and he says that he is - but through gritted teeth and after a rather exagerated pause.All I really want is to get that passion back, for him to look at me with a bit of the old fire in his eyes, rather than the disdain that seems to have replaced it.I do think that he loves me and I don't think that he is cheating on me, but I don't know whether he is with me for all of the right reasons either.I have tried talking to him and explaining that it isn't helpful to me to hear negative things about myself all the time. He says that he understands and he will try to be more positive - but nothing changes, it feels as if he can't think of anything nice to say.Is there anything I can say or do to re-light the fire, and should I try?I love him dearly and I don't want to leave him, but I know that for me to have a healthy, happy relationship I will probably need to be with somebody supportive and understanding of the baggage I come with. =(
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anorexic, confidence, lose weight, sex life, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I think you should take a break from this relationship. Say you want three weeks time away from him. He sounds like a jerk anyway. He cares more about the gym than you.
After three weeks of soul-searching, you will know whether or not to continue with this relationship.
I hope that helps. Hasta la vista.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): I would try having a serious talk with him about his behaviour before you just break up with him. If you need to get across how serious this is then tell him that's what you have been considering.
From what you said he does need to be more patient and if you have gained weight but that's only taken you up to an average weight then he shouldn't have a problem with it.
Really if he is making you feel down and like a failure then it's probably best for you to leave him. However from reading your post I would say that it sounds like you need a lot of reassurance/praise from your current/past partner. If that's the case (if not, ignore this) then while your partner should support you, you shouldn't be totally dependent on them for all your self esteem. It can get extremely frustrating constantly having to reassure or lift someone's mood.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): Sounds as if the relationship has run it's course and trying to re-ignite things will prove impossible and soul destroying. You are young and people change and adjust. Because of your issues I wonder if you have been seeking validation from your boyfriend. But you know, this should come from within you, you have done well to get yourself on a nursing course. Be proud of your achievements, in your own right. Maybe spend some time on your own just living your life as an independent person. Then look for a relationship where you come together as individuals, neither needing the other as a prop. It may be that you could use some counselling to address things in your past, but this can be hard to come by. But your current relationship sounds as if it is dragging you down. Move on.
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A
female
reader, babyparis  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I want to let you know that you are not a failure, failures dont try and you do!. So him not being supportive of you isnt healthy at all. I would leave, it will better you. at the end of the day he's really not feeling you so why stick around and feel bad when you can be out and living life :) keep your head up!.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (31 January 2012):
 There are a lot of issues there. I will tell you one thing though, as a man, we get sick and tired of waiting for our other half. It is about as disrespectful as you can get. It says to me, yes I can eat at 5pm everyday, yes I can be at work at 9am and yes I can do a million other things on time but when it comes to you I don’t give a rats butt you can wait. That is what comes across. If you are going to be late, start earlier. There is no reason to be late each and every time. We understand the occasional lateness, we do, but we do not like the lack of respect for our time. We were ready on time. My POINT-it leads to frustration that comes out in many other ways because we become resentful. The reason I bet he is starting to say it is not a real thing is because you might be using it as a crutch, an excuse for everything you do. Hence he is tired and becomes unsupportive of your ADD. If your trying to have sex and your cuddling up to him and he is not responsive he does not want sex, he may want to cuddle but not sex. Contraire we do not want sex 24/7. You are correct though when you say your opposites but compliment each other, that’s my wife, and me, we live off each others strengths and weakness’s. You are also correct that he needs to be more supportive. Try being early a few times and notice the change, you will be shocked. Brag about yourself when he will not compliment you and when he asks why you are patting yourself on the back tell because he does not, he will eventually. Weight is weight; most people do not end a relationship because one picked up a few pounds. It is the weight AND the lack of self-maintenance that bothers us.
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