A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’d been seeing someone for about 3 months, still obviously early days but I really liked him and I made quite a big step by sleeping with him (due to bad experiences). Anyway about 2 weeks ago he got ill and has been recovering since, he’s okay but I felt so distant from him the entire time (we were not official so not his girlfriend). I upped the messages which may not of helped but anyway he backed off more and more until eventually after I asked him straight he said he wanted to cool things off, and that he sees it as more of a friendship then anything right now but would still like to do things together.I feel really confused and like he’s just softening the blow, last time I saw him everything was fine and we slept together, not sure what to do or think? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 July 2018):
 He wants something casual. Not much else to it.
Sleeping with someone doesn’t mean anything. You need to find out people’s intentions before jumping into bed with them.
A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (28 July 2018):
Unfortunately, although I've experienced exceptions myself, generally 'Man loves before, Woman loves afterwards'. Please be kind to yourself and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 July 2018):
 Unless you are looking for a friend or a FWB, I'd walk away.
I agree with Cindy, I don't think it was the upping messages.. I think it was sleeping with him before anything was really established.
The reason I'd walk away is because I can easily see this guy thinking that YOU are totally fine with casual sex and "hanging" out. Which means he doesn't have to put more effort into things.
You might not be what he is looking for in a GF, that happens but he must be kind of dense if he thought that having sex and hanging out was the extend of what you were looking for.
And I wouldn't TELL him, I would just block him and move on. You don't owe him and explanation.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (26 July 2018):
 He doesn't want commitment - like so many men. He wants to have his cake and eat it. It's best to move on before you become too involved and get hurt even more. Unfortunately there are a lot of his type around and you just have to keep searching until you find somebody more mature who really appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2018):
 Leave him to his own devices, I don't think there's anything in this for you, or at least not what you want. It sounds like you started dating casually in the hope that in time it would lead to something more , - but, this time, it is not going to happen.
He IS softening the blow. He is telling you that he is not that much into you. " Everything was fine ", well, there's no need for something to be or feel majorly wrong for a person to lose interest . It's enough for him or her to realize that he / she likes you , yeah, sort of , but not enough to want something lasting, committed and serious
( and monogamous ).
Of course, your mistake, if we can call it that, is the usual, the textbook one. You had sex with him before being sure you were in a relationship already; and yes, if it is a regular, solid relationship that you want, then this is tactically a mistake. Nowadays ( but in the past too, now that I think of it;at least during my lifetime ) going to bed together does not necessarily signal that things are getting serious, or that a higher lever of committment and emotional involvement is being offered. Mind you, I have nothing against casual relationships or casual sex ; it's a very personal choice which may very well be the most appropriate for one's own circumstances, needs and aspirations. But that's the point, one has to KNOW what these needs and aspirations are. So, if you want a serious relationship, if you want an "official " boyfriend- first you wait to actually BE in said official relationship ( and also that his attachment and interest have been proven by consistent actions, not just words )- THEN you make it a sexual relationship. Old fashioned ? Maybe. But the only practical way to avoid, or at least minimize the chances of, the kind of let down you are experiencing now.
I'd be curious to know what are the things he still wants to do together with you. Sexual things ? How nice of him. He is telling you that you are good enough for FWB but not GF material. Which is not exactly an insult , Ok, - after he is entitled to have his own tastes concerning GFs, and that, in his eyes, you fit the bill only in part , is only a reflection of his personal tastes and not a commemtary on possible inadequacies of yours ; then again,it is not , I suppose, what you want to hear from him.
Or maybe he does really want just someone to hang out occasionally as friends, grab a bite together, catch a movie … ( I doubt he means that, but one never know ). In this case too, it does not coincide with your wants and needs. You did not want him as a platonic friend, right ?. just for some company. You liked him as a lover and perspective partner.
So the best thing for you to do is - to end your confusion by tossing him back into the pond.
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A
female
reader, Bazil  +, writes (26 July 2018):
Find another 'friend' would be my advice. Cut ties and forget him and it. You have feelings so its only natural to want to win him over. Not getting what you wish will only cause heartache and possibly become a very uncomfortable situation. I think he is expecting a bit much to suggest remaining friends. I'd feel a bit used to be honest
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