A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Not sure if anyone on here can help but I wanted some advice about a friendship.One of my best friends has recently become very distant and so reluctant to see me. I've been trying to arrange to see her one weekend for several months but I just keep getting pushed aside.We used to be so close, I was there for her during one of her lowest times, day and night, always made an effort to call etc, we even went away together. About 3 months ago she got a new man in her life and we had a date arranged to do something one weekend (We are only free at weekends) and she cancelled it as she said she needed a rest etc as all she's done recently is see her new man and she's exhausted with work etc. I let it slide and she promised we would arrange another date.Since then its been excuse after excuse, work (even though I know this has nothing to do with work) and many other things. On one occasion she did say his expectation is that she see's him every weekend, which I thought was a bit silly as if that is the case when does she get time to see her friends and family etc. She mentioned one day (Out of the whole previous 4 months) where I could have gone round to see her but it was because her man was away. I couldn't go due to prior commitments and to be honest I felt like a 2nd option.Every time I ask and make an effort she won't commit, and on occasions has got slightly defensive saying I'm being pushy. I don't feel I'm being pushy at all, but I am getting sick of being pushed aside, so its not a subject I feel I can talk about. Following that she'll happily go on to talk about work or whatever.We used to be really close but now we barely speak about anything but work. Never mentions anything to do with her personal life anymore, which is her choice but its very strange how suddenly it's all changed. When they first got together it was nothing like this. She was in my laid back and sensible. Refusing to rush into anything and kept saying she can'y keep seeing him every weekend as it's tiring her out (I get that) and other stuff wasn't getting done), she also showed an interest in still keeping out friendship.I really do feel like just sending a long message to her and walking away. It will crucify me to do that but I feel I have no option. So I wondered if anyone on here could shine any light about why this could be happening and any advice? I don't feel I deserve this, friends are for life not just for when you're single, but if I do walk away I need to understand it properly otherwise it will never leave me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2018): I totally agree with the others. No one owes anybody anything in this life. And what isn't given freely and happily is not worth having.
I have a best friend who has been my friend since we were 12 and we're now in our late fifties. Twelve years ago she met a lovely man and I am so pleased for her. They married two months ago and I was at top table and very important to her on her day. But guess what? Since she met him, our contact has diminished considerably. We see each other now maybe once a year. She has his children and his grand children in her life now. She has a new life. They have moved to Gloucestershire and have been there for four years now. I have never seen the house.
But I GET IT. Things change as life progresses. You can't hang on to people who maybe now don't have the time or quite so much inclination to do the things they once did.
You're still young and so maybe don't yet realise that you can't say to someone 'I was there for you, NOW YOU BE THERE FOR ME!' It doesn't work like that and people that try to force the issue are called pushy.
Let her be and let her maybe come to you. She is loving the new man in her life and everything that entails. And if she had more time, you would probably see her sometimes, but she's pushed for time and seeing her boyfriend is how she wants to spend what free time she has. YOU don't get to dictate how she spends her time. ONLY she does that.
Now you might not like that you have fallen down her list of priorities, but that's life. You can't change that and nor should you try. So please don't write her a letter about your hurt feelings. Send her a birthday card and/or Christmas card if you want to. Full of good wishes for her.
That's how grown ups behave.
She will breathe a sigh of relief and like you a lot more for not trying to control her. Because you know what?. . . it's going to happen to you someday.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 July 2018):
 I think it's pretty common for some people to drop everything else when they get a new partner. At least in the beginning. It's all new and shiny and they can't get enough.
Some people JUST can not juggle a new partner AND their friends. And some get this tunnel vision where they "eat, breathe, sleep" the new partner and have no room for anything else.
If I were you I wouldn't message her and be all dramatic or butthurt. I would instead focus on other friends, family and hobbies/work whatever. I'd give her some space to just ENJOY her new relationship without feeling she OWES you attention or company.
Give her a break. Let her enjoy this newfound love without guilt tripping her that she doesn't have time for you to the extend she used to.
If she doesn't REALIZE on her own that she is neglecting her friendship with you (and others) then THAT is her loss over time.
I too have lost friends who decided that their new partner is ALL that matter... until it didn't work out for them and then these friend expected me to pick up the pieces over and over... and no, that is not what I had in mind so I just distanced myself and got busy with MY life, my OTHER friends, family, hobbies etc. But the GOOD friends who dropped off the "earth" momentarily - for a few months, because of a new partner I never blamed them or felt snubbed. We got right back into the "swing" of the friendship once the "newness" of they their relationship wore off a little.
Time to make YOU your own priority. Not her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2018):
 Friends are for life and not just for when you are single- but a good friend understands and respects when your life change , your obligations change and your priorities change. A good friend does not try to muscle herself into a life where , for whatever reason, at the moment she can't be included with ease, and where including her would bring more stress than joy to the friend.
Yes, it's true that lots of people ( and women are particularly bad in that ) get a little crazy when they are in a new relationship, and have trouble in balancing wisely their time among their S.O. and family / friends. I am not saying that your friend could not do better, and show more sensitivity to you. Then again, - are you really surprised ? This is a brand new relationship, still the honeymoon stage, or at least a phase in which things haven't quite " gelled " yet, the excitement of novelty did not wear off yet, these two are too busy to get to know each other, and explore each other's body :), to think of social niceties. In 6 months or so, I am not saying that boredom will have set in, - hopefully it never will; but the sense of urgency will have gone, it won't be so important to never miss a single hour of the time she could spend with him . And you say that she is working hard, and she only has weekends free ! I think it's very normal that she is reluctant to sacrify a precious weekend for you , or any other person. Also if in theory she should , it would be more sensible, more considerate. But if you are her friend you don't want her to be considerate,.. you want her to be happy.
Yes, her priorities may have changed and I understand this is an unpleasant hit to your ego, as it would be to anybody's. But , as Anonymous 123 remarks too, priorities do change, and / or shift temporarily, in life. All the time.
Why, if she had a newborn baby to care for, would you sulk because she is not giving you enough attention and pester her to force her going out with you ? If she had to care for an aged, invalid or disabled parent ? If she had committed her weekends to volunteer for some noble, humanitarian cause ?...
Ah but these are " important " things, you'll say. See ? You are judging her; you are criticizing her priorities and choices, you are subtly , or not so subtly , telling her that what's really important to her is really not important , and that she should organize her life according to your rules. And if she does not- then she is a lousy friend, and / or a lousy person.
In short- friends need to be flexible. Maybe in a while she will miss you and your old routine, and everything will be back to normal. Maybe the new couple will solidify, get out of their bubble, and initiate having both partner's friends coming over , or going out all together.
Or maybe not. Not all friendships last a lifetime, some just get lost along the way, for no particular reason and no particular fault of anybody.
Either way, give her space now. I do understand your disappointment and sadness, and you do have subjective reasons for being needy; but you ARE acting needy, and she resents it. You weren't able to take a hint, and she had to tell you are pushy, which, I guess, she won't have enjoyed doing . So- stop pushing. Friendships last and prosper only if people get freedom and space, not out of obligation or emotional blackmail.
On the other hand, it's quite possible that you have a different concept from mine about friendship, and that you only want / enjoy friends who are physically, regularly present, day in day out. I am not saying this is wrong- different strokes for different people. So, if you decide that you don't get out of this friendship what you expected to - you can move on and let this friendship die of natural death-
But please, no dramatic, drawn out, emotional proclamas. It would be really pointless, chldish and in bad taste.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (26 July 2018):
 Been there, read the book ! This has happened to me many times over the years, your friend gets a boyfriend and suddenly you are redundant. In some ways its understandable that they want to be with their partner but they shouldn't really 'drop' their friends. She's very foolish and may well find she needs you one day. Don't write to her but just get on with your life and find other friends and other things to do. Unfortunately it puts a different slant on your relationship with your friend and you will probably never be as close again, however, its not worth falling out about it. Falling out would spoil thing forever. If you say nothing then at least it leaves the gates open to be friends again one day. We all change as we get older and you may find you need each other one day.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (26 July 2018):
 The friction here is because you don't think that your friendship should change because of her relationship with a guy while your friend feels that you don't understand that she's busy now that she has a man in her life who takes most of her time. Let's face it, if she's in a serious relationship with him and marries him eventually them he WILL be more important than you. It's only natural that she's giving him most of her time now because it's a relatively new relationship and that's how things happen.
Give her the space that she's asking for. Stop calling her, stop asking to meet up, stop trying hard to make plans. Get the hint. That doesn't mean that you walk away or send her a message saying that it's "over" or anything dramatic because that'll just make you seem even more needy.
Just give her the space that she wants. If she wants to reconnect then allow her to, but know that this could happen again. Things change, circumstances change and people change. You have to adapt yourself to that. I'm sure she'll stand by you if you ever need her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 July 2018):
 Some people become that way when they start dating. I’ve had many friends over the years that have disappeared off the face of the earth when they get a partner. She may be a close friend but she’s clearly showing where her priorities lie and you’re not one of them.
Continue your life, forget the message. Live your life without trying to fight for someone’s affection that isn’t interested. I think she will be back in touch if they break up, I’ve noticed that happens from past experience. She needs you there when she has a use for you and whenever she has a better option she doesn’t care.
I’ve been in your shoes and just walked away, I’m not worried about losing ‘friends’ who pick and choose when they want you.
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