A
female
age
51-59,
*orryn
writes:I have a major problem here and need help.I am in love with someone who is married. He is in love with me but we have not had an affair. We acknowledged that this was the case but that we would do nothing about this. The problem is is that I see him twice a week for work. We do not discuss this anymore at all but we just are friendly. I have tried to stay away from him, ignore him, hate him, etc etc - nothing has worked. We still end up talking about being friends and even when we weren't we still had to talk for work reasons and it was killing me. I am looking for another job but I am in bad shape now and it is still not looking good. I have no money and cannot just up and quit. I just cannot get over this and I am obsessed AND depressed to the point where I go home and cry for hours after I see him.I think about him all the time. I cannot seem to help it. I try to stay busy, workout go out with friends, etc etc but I never stop thinking about him.Can I get over this while I have to see him twice a week. All I want is to stop feeling this way about him. Is there anything else I can do while I am looking for a job to help with this? I guess I just need some support...badly.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Print out a copy of your submittal. Tape it to your bathrooom mirror....In the future, any time you get upset about having seen him, or thought about him, go to the mirror... Look at the copy of this submittal.... and repeat to yourself: "He is married and not available. I am miserable because I WISH he would be available to me. I can only STOP being miserable when I remind myself that NO MAN IS WORTH THIS!!!!"After a few iterations of this practice I guarantee that you will finally see the futility of what you're doing - hanging on to your non-existent hope - and will get on with finding a REAL boyfriend....Good luck.... You can do better!!!!!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Me favourite post about married men who love other women is here:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html Take time to read every single post, it will distract you and open your eyes a lot. No sex needed for a married man to take your heart and consume all your thoughts. If you read every single post, you will see a few women in your situation. No sex but still in love and works with him but can't escape him. He has no business talking to you of love if he's not ready to divorce his wife and make your love a reality. It's an emotional trap he has stuck you in and it's very hard to escape. No more talk of love with him, if he wants to talk about anything but work, then your answer is "get a divorce". New job will mend your heart eventually.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 December 2011):
Hi there. Every time you see him at work, you are being reminded of the impossible situation you are in.
He is married, so he belongs to someone else anyway!
His loyalties are with his wife. You are a friend, and that's all. Regardless of your feelings for each other.
He's emotionally committed to his wife - not you.
Regardless of the fact he is married, if it came to a decision, it's most likely he would stay with his wife. That's usually what happens, because there's a lot at stake.
He not only loses her if he decides to go off with you, he may then lose you also, if you find once you are together, that it doesn't work out because you don't get along as well as you thought you did. You could even find that you really have absolutely nothing in common!
And then, he can't go back with his wife, because she won't have a bar of him. That's a pretty big gamble, don't you think?
And supposing he did leave his wife for you, and you were together for a little while, well then every time he went out alone, you would be stewing over inside, wondering who he was with. You would also be wondering if he was with who he said he was with.
There would be HUGE trust issues between you, and it would almost certainly cause a breakup because of the constant doubts you both had.
At this time of year, plus jobs are hard to come by anyway, leaving your job isn't really an option, as you already realize.
Could you take some leave over Christmas and New Year for a couple of weeks? Would that be an option for you?
Another option is could you transfer to another department of your company? So that you wouldn't be with him at all.
There's really only one way to get over someone, and that is to find someone else! However, it's not wise to rush into this - just for the sake of having someone. That's a big mistake, because it's a rebound. And they rarely work out well.
What probably needs to happen now, is for you to convince yourself that you deserve better than liking a man who is considering cheating on his wife.
And be aware that a man who cheats on his wife - with you - will also cheat on you, eventually. It's inevitable.
The longer you keep liking him, the more you are both going to be tempted to sleep with each other. And you don't want to go down that path.
If you were tempted to go down that path, then you would be wanting some kind of commitment from him, and wanting to see him all the time and he'd be torn between you and his wife.
Then over time, you would be wanting to see him on special occasions where couples and families get together - like Christmas and New Year's Eve - and he would be committed to being with his wife, so you would be even more disappointed and upset. It's so not worth the trouble it causes, being involved with a married men.
Surely, you believe you deserve someone who will love only you and wants to be with only you. NOT someone who is considering cheating on his wife.
And really, this is what it's going to come down to.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (5 December 2011):
unfortunately sometimes there isn't a way to avoid emotional pain, and you just have to sit with the feelings of discomfort until the situation passes naturally with time and distance.
however if your distress is severe to the point that it's interfering with your ability to function in daily life, or if it's been going on for a long time without any sign of lessening, then you should see a therapist or a counselor.
also, realize that while you may not have had a physical relations, unless it was a purely superficial infatuation (for example being attracted to each other based on looks but when you hardly have spoken to each other or don't even know each other's names), you did actually have an emotional affair. This is not to cast judgment on you, just stating a fact. Emotional affairs can be a lot harder to get over than physical-only ones and can also cause more damage to the marriage. Again this is not to cast judgment, but I think that understanding the full extent of what you've been involved in is necessary to help you make sense of the situation so you can move forward and avoid a similar situation in the future.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (5 December 2011):
 OK lets get a few things clear first.You were having an affair... just not a physical one. An emotional affair is just as serious and just as damaging on everyone involved. This is why your so upset.You are doing the right thing but keeping it friendly (but DO NOT BE FRIENDS), and professional at work.Good on you for looking for another job, something will come up eventually.In the meantime, stay friendly when you HAVE to speak, and stay professional... but do NOT initiate conversation away from work (no lunch breaks together got it?). If he initiates conversation away from work, then make your excuses and leave.In the meantime, try to remember that he isn't the man you're building him up to be. He is a liar and a cheat. He is a married man who has embarked on an affair. Does this sound like the sort of man you could trust in the future? EVery time me enters your head, then remember all the bad things he has done to his wife. From telling you about his marriage, confessing love for you (its not a GOOD thing - he is married!), and trying to keep your relationship going when clearly its headed for heartache. He is massaging his ego by keeping you interested.Your situation will get better with time. If you can, get some counselling and professional help.HUGS x
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