A
female
age
30-35,
*ivejust2bJess
writes:When I was younger,I went through sexual abuse and was raped by my cousin. We are both girls, but today as a young adult that I am, I been noticing that the only way I feel loved is when I have a guy/s. Yes I purposely put / cause I am talking about more then one guy. Now I don't have sex with them unless we are like offically dating. but I feel that I ALWAYS need a guys role in my life to make me happy. Like im dependent on them. I need to have guys to flirt with and for them to need to talk to me, for them to like me, for them to fall in love with me. It's been like that since elementary school. I never thought boys had cooties. I was always interested in them. But now its getting to the point that I NEED them instead of WANT them. What I really want is a guy who loves me and wants to marry and have kids with me. I don't want this to be me for the rest of my life. I want to become independant from guys but not so much that I dont want to have a man around. could I be this way cause of my past? what can I do? I feel so ugly without having a guy telling me im beautiful. does that make me a slut or a whore? please try to understand and respect me to help. much apperciated!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): You at least recognize this. Big first step. Extremely common in those who have been sexually abused, neglected, or traumatized."But now its getting to the point that I NEED them instead of WANT them."People feel ugly who have been abused. This "need" is what happens, they tell you that you are pretty, and you then feel better, then you need someone else to do it."What I really want is a guy who loves me and wants to marry and have kids with me."Which can happen, but you probably don't feel like someone will want you that way, so you keep on seeking it out, and probably with the wrong people."I don't want this to be me for the rest of my life."It doesn't have to be that way, get help now. Get help now. Again, get help now, not when you are 30, 40, 50, or older."I want to become independant from guys but not so much that I dont want to have a man around."Again, you need professional help to do this, it is a difficult life navigation in anyone, but with a history of abuse it is harder and you need good professional advice."could I be this way cause of my past?"Yes."I feel so ugly without having a guy telling me im beautiful."Normal response to the past abuse, NORMAL, ABSOLUTELY NORMAL response to and extremely common but still abnormal situation."does that make me a slut or a whore?"No, but you probably feel like it does."please try to understand and respect me to help. much apperciated!"I understand this quite well. My wife, a loving mother, dedicated wife, educated professional, well above average IQ, and very attractive women, could have written exactly what you wrote. I was married to her for nearly 20 years before she began to tell her story and get professional help. She was married to me, a medical professional, who treats people who have this same issue, among other things, and she was afraid to tell even me about this, kept it hidden, kept her past hidden, kept the abuse she had suffered hidden, felt ugly. She knew for sure that I'd leave her if I ever knew the truth about her past...she was wrong, but she still believed that with all her heart.All I can say is "get help now" while you are young, stay away from drugs and alcohol as they fuck you up mentally on top of this problem that you are having as they tend to enhance the reaction you have to your past.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Get some counselling to deal with your sexual abuse. IT is the best thing you will ever do for yourself. Next, counselling will give you coping skills. How to identify triggers and how to healthily overcome your moments of weakeness/self destruction.
You will get healthier and stronger and therefore will not feel the NEED to have a guy around for happiness or protection or a distraction from your inner pain and anger over the injustice of sexual abuse.
Its gets better with time, as you heal and recover. From an Adult Survivor of Incest/Abuse/Rape.
*hugs*
Someone to talk to:
1-800-656-HOPE(4673).
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault
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