A
male
age
36-40,
*uza2k3
writes:I have been in this relationship for 3 years.My girlfriend has some behaviours that i don't like.she hardly apologises to me every time she does something horrible, whenever we quarel, she abuses me with all kind of different insults which i never reply her back with any, and lastly, she hardly respect me nowadays i.e she takes my love for granted too much.. Please help me out, can we still get married to each other in the future?, because marriage is for ever whatever i do now would determine the future and i don't want to be facing all this in future, except if she changes. Thanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Hi
you can tell her assertively how you are feeling, but if she acts up just get up and walk out of the room with a remark that is calm and rational. I will give you two examples below
You cannot change her. Only she can decide to do that.
But if she tries to heap guilt or bad remarks on you then you do not have to put up with that either.
If she does not change (look at her actions not her words and not her promises) then YES for your own self preservation walking away is the Best option. Sometimes we see the person we believe they can become, rather than the real person who will never become what we imagine. It is normal to excuse some behavior of a person you love. But not excuse so much that you become the oppressed party in the relationship
1. When you .......(her behavior) then that makes me feel ..............(your reaction) and as a result I would prefer in future that you ........(what you are stating is your requirement for what will happen instead in the future)
so for example:
"When you call me a 'useless pip squeak' in front of our friends and laugh about it that makes me feel humiliated and embarrasssed and as a result I want this behavior on your part to stop, wherefore I request that in future you refrain from such comments and actions."
2. "I have just explained how your behavior makes me feel when you humiliate me in public but your reaction is causing me further concern. When you threaten to embarrass me at my work place and use bad language and threaten to cut up all my suits into little pieces for daring to tell you how I feel then that makes me question if I can continue to have a relationship with you as your behavior is threatening and abusive. As a result any time you start this abusive bahavior I will get up and walk out of the room and leave you alone to cool down."
A
male
reader, guza2k3 +, writes (5 December 2011):
guza2k3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks alot, i realy appreciate. I don't even know how to walk away, the point is i really love her so much.But am thinking what if i give her a chance an limit to change?, then if it doesn't i will gladly step out..Would that help?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 December 2011):
 The important phrase in your submittal is this one: "....and i don't want to be facing all this in future..." You KNOW "the answer", of course... and that is "Don't marry this girl if she is the source of your misery".... Women don't change!!!!! (P.S. Neither do men!!!!!)... Find a woman who is more to your liking...Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 December 2011):
I really think this relationship, sadly, will not work long term. Love is important, but respect is NOT NEGOTIABLE and must exist in any relationship.
Fighting all the time is a red flag that indicates there is a strong possibility of a mis-fit between the two people in this relationship. It will only get worse.
First of all she should not be horrible. But to not apologise when she is horrible is utterly inexcusable. It will only get worse.
She is a Bully and with time she will become more demanding, more controlling and more abusive. Here, below is the process a Bully follows:
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion – how an abuser does it
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf
And taking you for granted is humilating. Is that how you want to be portrayed in front of your children? If you allow that then your children will not respect you. That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
All her to keep taking your for granted will only get worse.
You need to rebuild your self-esteem and quietly leave this abuser. You must not continue to put up with this abuse.
Although most domestic abuse is by men there are a smaller proportion of Domestic Abusers who are women.
It is utterly humiliating for a man to be abused by his female partner.
Please find the courage to walk away. It is for your own self preservation and for your own future happiness.
And do not take her back whatever she throws at you.
Swap the participants - and replace the Abuser as a woman and the victim of abuse as a man then the article below may help you. It is about the time just before (each time) the abuser is about to go to the next nasty nasty cyle of abuse. The "honeymoon" is the quiet time the abuser has, when the victim thinks the abuser is now being nice. But that is not true. The Abuse is just about to escalate. And with each escalation the abuse does get worse.
You need a far nicer girl than an abusive troubled girl like her.
Here is the article I refer to above.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
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