A
female
age
51-59,
*o confused 2
writes:I hope someone can help me with this problem. I am back in the dating scene after 10 years of marriage. I NEVER thought I would want to get married again, but I have found someone that I don't want to live without. When we began dating, I made it clear I didn't want a relationship. He however pressured me into one. I have since fallen in love and have never been happier except for this small insecurity I have. This insecurity I have comes from his not wanting to ever get married. He made this decision long before he met me when he divorced his ex-wife. He does not have children and I do. This also adds to the complication. We have been together for almost 2 years. He is good to me and spends lots of time with me and my children. He however has absolutely no plans to ever marry me. This makes me feel as if I am not important to him. I have a hard time with the fact that I am just his girlfriend. I want a bigger commitment from him. I have mentioned us being engaged for 5+ years then talk about marriage after my children are much older. He howevers states that he will never get married again. He moved out of his apartment and bought a house without telling me. This crushed me. I however helped him to move and make his house into a home. I spent some of my money and really made it look extremely nice. He will not give me a key and doesn't intend to. He spends most of his time at my home and only goes to his house to check on things. We eat all of our meals together and it is as if we are married in many aspects. He is kind and loving to me. He takes care of my yard work and does things for me daily. We have a great relationship except for the fact that I am just his girlfriend.Am I being selfish? What should I do? I would like an opinion from someone other than myself!Thanks!
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female
reader, So confused 2 +, writes (3 July 2011):
So confused 2 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I wanted to thank you all for being so kind and helping me with my question.
A few of you asked for additional information. @ Eyespy- He just says he is not ever getting married again. He didn't like being trapped, and he felt that they were happy before they got married. Then it took so much time and effort to get a divorce. He was married to a very selfish and out spoken person. I am not at all like that. I feel like I am being punished for who she is/was. I don't like to argue, and when he tries to argue I have a way of diffusing it. We hardly ever argue, but with his first wife they argued alot.
@You wish: I think you are totally right. You are very wise! His exwife standing between us is what bothers me the most. They don't talk to each other at all. They haven't seen each other in 3 years, but there is something there that keeps him from me. What though? How do I handle this? I also feel like I am not as important as she was in his life. That is the most difficult thing to handle. He tries to do things to make me feel important. For example, they loved going to Vegas together. I had never been when we met. So he had taken me on several trips. He has made sure that he took me on one more than he took her. Like I said, he is really sweet to me. Also, he changed jobs from his city to mine. He had to move, but didn't tell me when he bought his house. He probably did that because I was looking at much bigger houses that we all could live in. He wasn't interested in that. So he secretly bought a house and lied to me about it for weeks. Then he told me on his birthday what he did. He told me that he was so scared to tell me and that he had been literally sick about it.
I just want to feel important and loved. Right now I just don't feel like I am as important to him as his exwife was. After all, he loved her enought to get down on one knee and ask her to be his wife. I want to be the most important woman in his life!
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 him not wanting to get married does not make him a bad person. look at other aspects though - when you say you eat all meals together, i hope this does not mean you are providing all the food and doing all the cooking? when he bought a house is a big thing to not discuss with you, that tells me he MEANS it when he says he does not want to marry in the future. does he ever mention living together in the future? why don't you have a key to his place? has he got a key to yours?
i think that as long as the relationship is all equal and he is a good man who makes you happy, loves you and takes care of you then i am with him on the marriage thing.
plus you have not been together for two years yet. so i feel it may be a little early to commit to marriage, but if you feel like he is not committing to a FUTURE with you then you will need to discuss this and decide if what he is offering is enough for you
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): I see many long term relationships work perfectly well,get married, and within 2 years its another statistic. Some people may have a degree of bitterness about that. Dont think like they do, because they would love the relationship you have,they are discouraging only through jealousy and blame for failing to maintain or find a happy relationship. He is kind and loving does things for you daily. Do not listen to those who clearly don't know anything about him. Or you will one day end up with a negative frame of mind too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2011):
 I really like YouWish's answer!
it's not just the paper... you sense something OP that makes you question his commitment to you....
my bf has said over and over he's never getting married.... and yet even in the short time we've been together, I see his stance on marriage changing... we don't live in the same state and yet I know this man is committed to me.
He would not buy a piece of clothing without checking with me much less a HOME.
This man who is so committed to you in every way but the paper made a life altering purchase without involving you.
I agree stop rowing this relationship boat... do not spend money on him, do not make life choices based on him....
IF you can accept that you are in the position you are in the relationship with him, then enjoy... IF you want/need more then you need to consider walking away...
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A
female
reader, jordan123 +, writes (1 July 2011):
I think you should maybe be asking why you cant live together? If marriage is definitely off the cards for this man, and there are men who cannot deal with this. I would say you should try and find out what his intentions are.
Dont be spending anymore of your money or efforts at the moment until he opens up to you and tells you what you mean to him.
It would be difficult and like living in limbo if he has his place and you have yours, apart from being expensive, it messes with your equilibrium. Maybe a lovely romantic meal and a gentle conversation (no pressure) about how he feels about your relationship and where it is going. Im in a relationship with a man, we have been together for four years, he is 62 and has never been married, I would love to get married but its a not on the agenda for my partner. We share a home/life together, and we love each other. Its difficult when your expectations of life are set, and then gradually they change because the other person has some set ways.
You might both have some set ideas and views but as long as you both remain open minded and receptive then you can generally come to some sort of a plan that suits you both. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): It is only a matter of time before he dumps you i have experienced the same thing
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 July 2011):
 This one is pretty simple on paper, but nerve-wracking emotionally. You have a choice.
1. To be with him and love him.
or
2. To want a relationship where marriage is the inevitable result.
________________________-
You are picking up on something though. He isn't just saying not to marry. He has taken steps to emotionally distance himself from you....to hold you at arm's length. This would be disturbing even in a relationship where marriage isn't pursued.
I understand his not giving you a key, but not telling you he's moving? Ridiculous. And what do you do? I advise you not to spend another single penny on him. He is a withholder. He withholds his heart, and he withholds the reasons why he's got walls up.
Let's consider this logically.
He doesn't want to get married. You didn't explain why, except to state that he was divorced before. Okay. So, if it's a financial thing, then he could be as close to you as possible without the paper. Yet, he's not if he's withholding a move to you.
If it's a commitment thing, he could very well still be close to you, including living together and sharing important things like the move with you. He's not doing that.
You say he's at your house all the time and rarely spends time at his? That's out of step with his buying a house in the first place. Why move out of an apartment if his own location seemingly doesn't matter to him?
This is my take. He isn't over his ex-wife. She, and the memory of the split, is coming between you and him. He's not just afraid of commitment or the financial aspect of marriage and divorce. He is holding himself back from you.
He has serious baggage. Your relationship is definitely not "everything but the paper". He's keeping himself back from you. Relationships have logical next steps, be it marriage or a permanent situation. There are things he isn't telling you.
So you have a choice. Accept his holding you at arm's length, having intimacy issues and living with his bitter baggage, or leaving him to find a guy without the baggage.
You mark my words. You love will not change him. Your kindness or favors will not make him open up. Do not give him domestic bliss if he withholds emotionally. If you do, he has no reason to change his situation.
I would recommend not being as available to him. If he keeps an emotional distance, it's time you did the same, otherwise you will be crushed over and over and over and over and over again. If you're a masochist, by all means, continue. However, the fact that you wrote here shows me you're not.
Time to let logic and priorities win over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Maybe his first wife cleaned him out financially and he doesn't want a repeat? Maybe he's just managed to get back on his feet properly hence the house he bought.
The way you two live it sounds great already so why rock the boat? I would drop the subject totally as he's comitted to you in his own way already - keep pushing it and you may lose him or ruin what you have. All thats missing is the bit of paper after all.
If marriage is truly what you want then this man may not be the one for you. Could you live without him?
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A
female
reader, a_maldita  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 Well of course all women would want to get married right. It's just a piece of paper for some but for me I would still prefer marriage. If he loves you that much no matter what the reason is behind no getting married he should stand for you.You can never claim he is totally yours if your not yet married.He could Just took off anytime he wants with no strings attached,But if his not ready yet don't push it for now and give him time.If you feel that you have given him enough time then discuss to him about it.Good Luck...
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (1 July 2011):
What is his reason for never getting married ? Is he afraid of commitment? Does he think it sours a relationship? Is he afraid of getting hurt?What does he say?
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (1 July 2011):
 You seem to have a better non-marriage then many married people do. He is with you because he choses to be, not because he is required to be and for right now that is what he is telling you he needs to be happy.
So if you love him and he is good to you then I suggest you make the best of what you two do have together and take the pressure off the whole marriage issue. At the end of a the day it is just a piece of paper. He has already committed himself to you in every other way possible.
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