A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for going on 4 years now. We have a 2 year old and another baby on the way, so it's safe to say we have a pretty serious relationship. I am 22 and he is 27 so there are a few years between us. I have problems trusting him. We live together obviously but it really bothers me that he is constantly looking at other girls and talking about other girls to his friends (not infront of me). We have stopped going to large public events because he drinks to much and ends up hanging off of girls. He hangs out with his friends 5-6 nights a week. I know he is just with them but I worry about what he is saying about other girls he knows or who he is talking to or looking at. He always says he is going to make me his wife but Im worried he is going to continue to act like this down the road. I've told him how I feel but he doesn't seem to think he is doing anything wrong. Is this just something I need to get over?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): It is a difficult situation given the child involved and the baby on the way. I think that this guy is not ready for the commitment he has made. He is not taking his responsibilites as seriously as he should.
You need to be more firm with him. He has to understand that a family is made by both parties WORKING together. Don't accept all he does... be firm. Tell him he can chill with his boys on the weekends and in the meantime give him chores in the house too...let him help! You should also take time for yourself and at least once in a while visit a friend and let him babysit. My mother used to say...men learn habits from us..they will do what they can get away with. If I were you... I would really start setting the record straight.
A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (11 July 2011):
if he hangs out with his friends 5-6 days a week does that mean he is only with you and your child 1 day a week if so i would be having serious talk with him about it he is getting all the fun out of the relationship by going to his friends and having sex with you but you are left with all the responsibility i would tell him you want him to spend more time with you and you child
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A
female
reader, Christian  +, writes (11 July 2011):
ok girl let me tell u this....stop this behavior now...i have a two year old and just had a baby and my husband is just like yours...well after i had the baby i had no one to help with choirs and the two year old so i never got my rest i needed and i ended up with low low iron and pasted out maney times...its hard enough with a two year old and adding a needy new born.i never get time to relax my son is in to every thing i cant even get through one feeding with out having to get him out of something...if i had a help from my husband i would be less stressed. Oh ya not to be mean but i always think if he didnt merry u he first time u was pregnant and its been two years its probably not gunna happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): You don't mention if he works or not. But if he does and he also spends 5 or 6 nights a week hanging out with his friends. What time does he spend with you and his child?
I can understand your concerns if you are at home pregnant with his 2nd child, while he suffering from 'wandering eye' and is out with his friends most of evenings. It sounds as if he is single and he just touches base with you when it suits. I would follow Wheelers advice and ask in a non judgmental way, what it is exactly that he plans for you and his growing family. And i definitely would not plan any more children with him until he has shown some signs that he wants to settle down first.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (11 July 2011):
 You are in a tough spot, for sure.
I would guess that you are hesitant to react too strongly to his actions because you fear driving him away? That is, if you give him any ultimatum regarding the attention he gives other women then he may begin to withdraw from your relationship?
This is just a guess on my part, but something I have seen happen to many friends of mine. When there are children involved, but not a serious commitment or marriage to demand that the man not behave in such a way, then sometimes the guy (or the girl, but not as often it seems) may go back and forth between wanting to live the single life or go out with friends and stay at home and do the family thing more often.
It doesn't sound like he is going that far, but the same idea may apply. At the least, you are not feeling like his focus is on you in particular, or that he is happy with you and only you as the woman in his life. Does his behavior make you feel undervalued?
What makes this situation so much more difficult on you is that he is spending so much time with his friends and away from you. You may even have stronger suspicions about what he is doing when he is not with you, but don't even want to think about it, much less voice that concern.
I want to be very careful in giving advice, because the wrong advice could cause unnecessary arguments or worse. TO be honest, the correct way to handle this issue depends a great deal on the strength of your relationship and how well the two of you communicate with each other.
If there is a serious issue with him getting involved with other women then you definitely need to have a serious discussion with him. If it is more a matter of you dealing with jealousy of him giving attention to other women in an ultimately harmless way then it may be something that you need to address within yourself.
It seems to me that this is the point: If you are in a committed relationship, and by that I mean a relationship that has been discussed and agreed upon, then it is not acceptable for him to be openly showing interest in other women. It is certainly not acceptable for him to be going out and acting upon his interest in other women, if that is the case.
And it seems that you are not really sure what he is doing when you are not around. This behavior is not acceptable. The fact that it has been going on to varying degrees indicates that there is a lot of "grey area" in the relationship, or that you may have a different idea than he does as to the nature of the relationship.
I'll give you an example of what I have experienced, and maybe you can affirm whether your experience is similar.
Many years back I was involved with a lady who had an identical twin. Her sister had two boys (also twins) who were around three. She was married to their father, but they had a very rocky relationship. They had decided to get married not out of love or serious commitment, but because they thought it would be best for the boys.
For about two years her husband went back and forth between sometimes being a dad who was home most of the time, involved in the boy's lives, and helping with the many daily duties (preparing food, changing diapers, cleaning house), and other times behaving like a single guy, going out and getting drunk and coming home at five in the morning. He was either involved in the daily routine, or seemed oblivious to it, depending on the month.
Whenever he was acting like a single guy with no commitments she would bark at him, make demands, plead, give ultimatums. But sometimes this would give him an excuse to check out of the relationship altogether. And he would stop helping in any way.
So, she became scared to push too far out of fear that he would leave her.
This created a lot of bitterness and hurt between the two of them. And she lost all respect for him.
It also forced her to realize that, as the boys got older, she would eventually have to make the extremely difficult decision as to whether she could let her boys see this horrible example of a father. It begs the awful question: what's worse, having a destructive and abusive example of a father and husband, or not having a father around at all?
This is far off, I hope, from your current situation. But I give this example to show what could be down the road when there are kids involved. And when one of the parents is living in a selfish way that does not reflect one-half of a parental unit.
It does not sound like he has made the adjustment to being a father yet. Instead, he is still wanting to have his cake and eat it too. His behavior (even if it is not all the time) is that of a single guy with no commitments. What is troubling is that he already had time to reflect upon the life-changing event of having a child and becoming a parent two years ago when you had your first child.
What was discussed then? Were you both in agreement that there had to be significant life changes for both of you? That neither of you are singles who can live the nightlife anymore? And was the second pregnancy planned?
He needs to figure these things out, and sooner rather than later. You can't figure this out for him. What you can do is ask him what he wants. Ask him what he expects his life to be like now that there will be two children to take care of? Maybe the better path to take here is not to make demands, or give ultimatums, but to just ask him some serious questions. And do so in a calm way, not expecting any particular answers, or leading him on in any way. Just ask him, and listen. See what is really in his heart when it comes to you, the children, and your future together.
I hope this helps, and I hope that any other advice you are given is taken with caution. Only you will have to endure the consequences of what happens. I hope it works out for the best for all of you!
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