A
male
age
41-50,
*amesdeann
writes:First off my name is James, yesterday me and my girlfriend and her daughter went out to go eat. To celebrate our anniversary. We've been together for about 16 months. Lately i've been feeling unappreciated. I feel like i do everything in this relationship. My girlfriend she can be very selfish at times. She has mood swings and when shes mad she takes it out on me. Where everything has to be her way. It's like i have no say in anything. she also can be very sweet and loving. she seems kind of bipolar. So after lunch i was driving her and her daughter back to my place to hang out. Since it was a nice day outside i decided to take a different route which was a little longer. She starts bickering why didn't i go home the other way which was just a little faster cause her neck was aching. Starts telling me im such a horrible and stupid driver. I always bite my tongue when it comes to her. But this time i got so angry i told her to shut the hell up. Then she grabs a cup of water throws in my face while i was driving. Thats when her daughter starts screaming telling her to stop. Shes a very little sweet girl i love her as my own. she always takes my side when my girlfriend gets mad at me for no good reason. So i pretty much was fed up told her i was done with her and told her not to contact me until she changes her attitude. I still love her to death. When we usually argue or break up im always the one saying sorry or the first to call. But this time im going to stand my ground and wait for her to contact me and owe me and apology. Im tired of being walked over on. I still want to work things out but i just hope she finds it in her heart to know why ive had enough with her attitude. I wonder what will happen now its been like two days...thank for taking the time out of your day to hear me out guys.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): hmmm..so your girlfriend is abusive and you have an uneasy feeling that you want out of this relationship (gee I wonder why?) but what's holding you back is "It's just that we have plans for the future" ?
well, plans can and do change! Have you never made plans which then changed? and besides, it sounds more like she's the one who has plans for your future. you need to take back control of your own life! No one else will do it for you (except her).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): "It's weird because she tells me she wants to marry me and have a family with me but the way she can be sometimes have me thinking twice is this what i really want? "
Why do you think this is weird? You said it yourself that your girlfriend is selfish and controlling, and you are the one running around doing everything she wants, while she calls the shots and abuses you when she doesn't get her way, and that's pretty much the definition of your relationship.
It's completely to be expected that she wants marriage from you!! she has zero respect for you (given the contemptuous way she talks at you and treats you) so why on earth would she want to marry you, then? Because she sees you as a good resource provider, personal assistant/chauffeur/secretary/handyman/chef/maid, emotional punching bag, and a provider of more kids for her.
she naturally wants to marry you because (1) most women want marriage at some point in their lives so she's no different and you happen to be the guy in her life now who hasn't run far away from her (2) this relationship is entirely self-serving for her so she naturally wants to make it permanent, who wouldn't? She wants to seal the deal, so to speak.
you're confused because you rightfully expect marriage to be about love and caring, because you're a loving and caring person. But while she may have her loving moments, they're overshadowed by her abusiveness, selfishness, controllingness, and her contempt towards you. She doesn't truly love you as a person, she just loves you for what you can do for her. She sees you as her path to achieving her goals of marriage+family and providing her with the life she wants.
please don't marry her just because she wants it. If you're not jumping with eagerness to marry someone, that's already a sign. Marrying a selfish and abusive person who sees marriage as a way to legally trap you with them to forever continue serving their needs, will be the worst mistake of your life. Marriage should be something you want as well, something that is mutually beneficial and mutually fulfilling. your gut instincts are recoiling and balking for a very good reason, listen to them.
And if you need yet more reasons not to marry her: once you're MARRIED, leaving the relationship will be a lot more difficult and messy and costly than if you're just courting. right now you can technically leave her any time you want, all you have to deal with is your emotional turmoil. Once you're married though, on top of the emotional turmoil leaving her will require involving lawyers and paying legal fees and going to court to fight over assets, it could take years! furthermore, if you're not married and you finally leave her for good you can completely cut her out of your life from then on and just close that chapter of your life as an unfortunate experience. But once you're married and have kids together, if you were to some day leave her by divorce cos you can't take it anymore, she will forever remain in your life via the children. Abusive girlfriends become abusive wives, and then become abusive ex-wives.
So please don't marry this woman, it will be the worst mistake of your life!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (12 July 2011):
further reading for your information, especially as men who are victims of abuse by their female partners sometimes face different issues than women victims
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/index.htm
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (12 July 2011):
unfortunately it's rare for abusive people to change for the better and permanently. It can and does happen but it's not common. I've never seen it happen personally (there has been abuse in my family and extended family on both sides, and I have friends/family who are right now in abusive marriages and others who have left after many years in such relationships).
Of course your gf says she wants to marry you and start a family with you. That's what SHE wants. She wants to further entrap and enmesh you because you "feed" her insecurities and dysfunctionality so she doesn't have to face her own shortcomings. You've been her crutch up til now by allowing her to behave the way she does, so she doesn't need to take responsibility for whatever her problems are that drive her insecure thought patterns and abusive behaviors.
the relationship up til now has centered around her needs because she has repeatedly disrespected your needs and wants and you have gone along with it supporting her in it. So of course it's not surprising that she wants you to marry her and have a family with her. She sees the relationship as something for her benefit, for her to take from and to support her, more than something for her to give back to and to support you.
Abusive people don't change unless they themselves want to change. She has to see the light. She has to want to learn how to change her behaviors and habits, which is not easy so it will be a lot of work for her and she may need professional help (a therapist). If she doesn't feel she is even doing anything wrong, then there's no chance that she will change. All you can do is draw the line in the sand of what you will and won't allow, and be consistent and firm and not compromise yourself any more. If you stand your ground and then finally give in, you reinforce to her that you dono't really mean it when you stand firm, that all she has to do is wait you out or up the ante and you will eventually go along with her again.
And dont' be too quick to take her back the minute she contacts you or utters an apology. Or if you do, you have to be ready to leave again if her apologetic words are not backed up by new (more positive) behaviors and actions.
Therefore, all you can do, is to take the focus off of her, and put the focus on yourself because you can't control what she's going to think or do. But you can control your own behavior and your ways of thinking about the situation, so that's where you should put your energy.
you might want to educate yourself more on abusive relationships
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (11 July 2011):
sorry to say this but you have been together 16 month now and she,s always been the same? i would move on people like this do not change she is probably sat at home waiting for you to call her even though it was her fault i mean throwing water over you when you were driving with her daughter in the car what sort of person does that
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 July 2011):
 You've let her do this to you for 16 months now, and then you think suddenly reacting to it, when you've not reacted to it at all before, will make her change? You've taught her that this is acceptable behaviour! I will say that yes, her actions are her responsibility, but it's pretty straight forward that when you let people walk over you they will walk as long as you allow it. If you give one person power in the relationship they can very easily take it and start to get used to it and demand more and more. That's why you never sit and bite your tongue, always speak up!
You're passive. You haven't told her what you actually think, why you do what you do, you haven't demanded respect. Unless she's also a passive person, she'll naturally grow into the power vacuum you leave to her. You need to start standing up to not only her, but everyone in your life, and future women you date as well. You can't be passive when people walk over you, you can't sit and bite your tongue. Choose your battles and all that, but get a firm grip over what is important to you and fight for that. Don't stand up once in a blue moon, stand up always.
This girl has gone too far down the path of controlling you, and has little respect for you. I do not believe she will change, however I do have a suspicion that she's only doing what she's doing, taking it as far as she is, because you allow it. She is on a power trip. Might have been there already when you met, but whatever small flame was already there you brought more gas to the flame.
If you and her are to have a shot at a good relationship, stand up for yourself. Not just this once. Next time too. And the time after that. Expect a lot more fighting, because you need to reclaim territory that you have previously been so willing to give up. This will cause a disturbance in the powers of the relationship, and bring with it a lot of trouble as you try to find the new territories and draw the lines. However, if you can pull through all of that, you have a shot at making this work. It can be done.
She would have to change. But so will you. Her challenge lies in respecting the lines you draw. In order to do that you need to start drawing up those lines! It starts with you.
Don't apologize, she threw water in your face and endangered all of your lives, you were in a car driving. That is madness. If you do talk to her again don't back down until she admits to her mistake and how dangerous the situation was because of her.
She reminds me of me, that's why Im saying what I say, and perhaps being more sympathetic towards her than others on here. I don't think she's abusive as a person. Her actions are abusive, yes, but I don't think she's abusive by default as a person. That remains to be seen. I don't think she's bipolar either, and as that is a clinical term you should be careful to use it. I think she is dominant (which so easily takes over a passive person unless the passive steps up). She's a single mother, therein she's got domination over one person already. You allowing her to dominate you as well has been like rewarding bad behaviour. If I am correct this can be turned around. Whether it is worth the effort or not is up to you to decide.
For the future however, always stand up for yourself, don't let people treat you in a bad way. If you allow it they will think it's ok with you, that you don't mind. Avoid conflicts that aren't important as you wish, but do not avoid conflicts that are of importance. Through conflict a relationship develops. To avoid conflicts mean you never move past them, but will have a repetitive cycle over and over.
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A
male
reader, jamesdeann +, writes (11 July 2011):
jamesdeann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for replying. Your answers have helped me through this so far..Has anyone else ever been through this but things turned around and gotten better? It's weird because she tells me she wants to marry me and have a family with me but the way she can be sometimes have me thinking twice is this what i really want? thanks again for your support everyone.
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (11 July 2011):
 you are way to good for her. Please leave. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. Natx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): As someone who (unfortunately) used to remind myself of your girlfriend, I think I can give you some advice.
She knows you will stick around. She knows she can 'bully' you without real consequences. In cases where she would normally bite her tongue around someone else, she can freak out on you bc she knows it doesn't matter, you'll cave into her in a few hours. She gets to always be right & have her way!
The BEST THING you can do, is not contact her. I promise you she will be so freaked out that she doesnt have control over you she may get desperate enough to change her ways. That's what happened to me:)
But there's also a very real likelihood that she won't change, and if she doesn't - leave. For good..you deserve better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): Stand your ground on this one. What your girlfriend did was not only abusive but dangerous, to you, herself and her little girl in the backseat. The fact that her daughter sides with you during her rampages shows just how outrageous her mother's behaviour is.She is not mentally ill. She's just a bully. I don't buy into the bi-polar thing. I've known a number of people diagnosed with that and every single one of them has been the picture of mental health when they needed to be. Real illnesses are not that selective.Your girlfriend may have sweet moments, but who doesn't? And those endearing qualities don't cancel out the bad ones. Protecting her from the negative consequences of her negative actions will only perpetuate and exacerbate them.Your girlfriend has decided you aren't someone she needs to impress. If you want that to change then stick to your guns and do NOT have any heart to heart discussions about how her behaviour affects you. She already knows which is why she only treats certain people this way. Say very little but make what you do say count. Do NOT make allowances. Have a ZERO tolerance policy for any future misbehaviour.Frankly I would dump her in a heartbeat, but if you're not prepared to do that then you can help bring about some much needed changes.
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A
male
reader, jamesdeann +, writes (11 July 2011):
jamesdeann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks i will stick with it. It's just that we have plans for the future but with the way she is, i don't know if i can been in such a relationship. I still love her but im just going to stay away from her and wait until she decides to contact me and talk things out and tell her she has to change because it won't work out if it keeps on going.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 July 2011):
first off, good for you for finally standing up for yourself! You've learned the hard way that allowing people to treat you abusively only leads to...more abusive treatment.
Your gf is being abusive -she's being verbally abusive by calling you names, and physically abusive by throwing things at you. It may have been "only" water that she threw at you, this time. Next time it could be boiling water, or something worse.
You also have learned that the consequence of biting your tongue and not standing up and protecting your personal boundaries is that you end up developing and containing a lot of toxic feelings - anger, resentment, hurt, and so on. And the more you try to contain these feelings while nothing on the outside changes, the worse you feel until eventually you explode.
I'm sorry to have to say this but your relationship is dysfunctional because your gf has an abusive personality. She does not respect your boundaries and she does not fight fair or control herself. The fact is that it's extremely difficult to maintain a loving healthy relationship with someone like this. In between these incidents she may be very kind and loving and sweet. But, studies have repeatedly shown that in interpersonal relationships, negative aspects can have far more impact in erasing positive aspects of a relationship. That means that for relationships to survive and be healthy and happy, there has to be far more positive aspects than negative ones. And if you're in a relationship with an abusive person, chances are high that the negative aspects are very intense to where they can erase or obliterate the positive aspects of the relationship.
Also, abusive people have to want to change. Your gf may be the way she is because she had bad role models growing up, and/or or she may have a biological based mental illness (like bipolar). Whatever the reason, she has to take responsibility and acknowledge that her behavior is unacceptable and she has to want to learn to change her behavior.
it's understandable that you really really want her to change. But some times the only way that abusive people will change is if their behavior starts costing them relationships. This means that you may have to realize that you have to stay broken up with her permanently if she doesn't change. You do have the option to go back to her, but realize that she will probably continue in her pattern because she has no reason to change if you keep going back to her regardless.
So I commend you for getting yourself away from her, and I think you should tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that you will not get back together with her again unless she actively changes her behavior. Suggest that she go for counseling to learn healthier ways to relate to people and to deal with her anger. But be firm that you will not stay in a relationship with her "like this." Then you have to mean it. work on developing the courage and confidence to be willing to end this relationship permanently - for your own health and safety - if she doesn't change. It's just not going to be good for you to continue this relationship if she doesn't change and stop being abusive. It's also not healthy for her daughter to continually witness this pattern of behaviors between "intimate" adults. Every time her daughter sees her mother behaving abusively towards you, and you putting up with it or else retaliating with abuse as well (not that you have, but if you do because you can't take it any more), this makes it more likely that she will grow up to behave in similar ways in future relationships, either like her mom (abusively) or like you (being the victim of abuse).
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