A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex bf and I have been friends for 3 years and dating for a year and a half. I am well educated and went back to school recently to get another degree. He has no degree and now is in debt and trying to get out of it. Since Ive known him hes told me he wants to go to school but hes always changing his mind on what he wants to do. I finally got tired of waiting for him to make something of himself because I realized I am not getting any younger (I am 25) and I want to get married and start a family by the time I'm 30. I told him I give up on him ever getting his life together. He said he is working on it and it will take him about 4 months to clear up the debt. Now he says he also wants to join the military and will be gone for 6 years. But as usual, he is not sure. We both believe we can rekindle our romance but my concern is will ever be in the position where he will be the husband I need. He is the nicest, sweetest guy I've ever know and I thought we would be together forever. We even discussed getting married in the future etc. I don't know if I should remain friends with him to see what happens, to give our relationship another shot, or to just cut him out of my life so I can move on.:(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): It seems like you two have different objectives. Neither is wrong...he just doesnt see a degree as a path to success the way you do. Debt gets paid off from working, not necessarily a degree. I've been unemployed for a year, have multiple degrees and am Commissioned in the military (reserve), and I'll tell you, skills and experience matter way more than anything. The military may be the way to go for him. But that may not help you. I suggest you focus on your goals, and support his, and stop trying to fit everything into a timeline. 30 is not some milestone where it all has to be in place. It's good you have goals like that, but let life happen while you work on the rest.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (11 July 2011):
To me, what it boils down to is that you have a clear idea of what you want in a husband, what your deal breakers are, and you also have a firm time frame by which you want to be married and start a family. And right now, he has those deal breakers and a track record of not following through on his promises.
thus the evidence suggests that he will continue to disappoint you if you keep waiting. And since you have a firm time frame, I think you should not waste any more time waiting because time is running out.
He could very well become the kind of man you want, but it may not happen within your time frame. Or it may never happen. Since he has a track record of not following through on his promises, to me there's no reason to believe that this time will be different.
also another red flag to me is that it sounds like you may be frustrated that he still hasn't 'made something of himself' by now. so another issue besides his debt and wanting to enlist is that you now feel some loss of respect for him and a disappointment in him. These kinds of negative feelings are corrosive in a relationship because they can really erode intimacy and trust. Thus, if you're feeling this way about him right now, my vote is that you should move on from him because trying to sustain a relationship and trying to take the relationship to the next level (marriage) when you don't respect your partner and are desperately hoping they will change, is almost always doomed to failure (unless your partner does indeed change into someone that you do respect but again this is not something that's within your control).
If you break up and move on and in the future you cross paths again, and now voila he's finally "made something of himself" and you're still single and he's still single, then you could give it another shot. But to wait for him hoping he will be what you want, given his track record, is risking that your time frame will not be met.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (11 July 2011):
 Debt, and all the intense pressures that go along with it, can quickly destroy a relationship. It is the number one cause of failed marriages, in fact.
So, I would certainly support any decision he makes to regain control of his financial problems.
But that is not the real problem, right? :-) The real problem is getting him to make ANY decision! To me, that would be the best way to decide if you should continue with the relationship. It is a problem that will solve itself. If he does what he says, and enlisting can be done without making the relationship logistically impossible, then maybe you should stay with him.
Just because he enlists does not mean the two of you cannot be together anymore. People stay in relationships or even marriages during enlistment all the time. The question there is are you more concerned with your career or with the relationship, because staying with him may mean moving with him as well. That would require you to work your career around his location. Sometimes that is not a problem (traveling nurse, or any job that can be done anywhere such as accountant, mechanic, bartender, etc.).
If he has framed the matter of enlistment as something that will require him to be "away from you" for 6 years, then is sounds like it may be an excuse for him to get out of the relationship, to be honest.
I get the impression that this is not a relationship where both of you are determined to be with each other, and trying to find a way to make that work. Rather, it seems that the two of you are trying to decide if the other really fits in their plans for the future, and making decisions for yourself first. Is that the case, or have I misread the situation?
An amazing relationship, with true love and commitment, is rare and special and worth absolutely any effort to maintain. If you do not have that, then it can be difficult to decide how important the relationship is in comparison to the other decisions in your life. You either know or you don't know! If you can't live without this guy then you have your answer.
And as I said before, maybe it would be best to just step back and let him either make or break the relationship with his action (or inaction). Instead of demanding a decision, let him make it. Not making a decision is the same thing as making a decision. (I hope that isn't too confusing!!!)
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