A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I went on a few dates with a guy and they seemed to go really well. He’s very shy and has had a difficult life from the snippets he’s told me. He’s experienced a lot of loss and due to a rift between his parents, he doesn’t see much of either of them and said he felt abandoned by his father. He said early on that he sometimes struggles letting people in.The dates went really well and he seemed very keen. I’ve been on a fair few dates before but none like with him - we had instant chemistry and he referred to it a few times. After the last date, we agreed to meet again this coming week.He was texting me this morning saying he was looking forward to places opening back up so he could take me out properly. Early this evening he’s text to say he’s so sorry but he’s not ready for a relationship of any kind at the moment and wants to leave things as they are for now.I’m absolutely shocked. It was him that did the initial chasing and he seemed as keen, if not more so, than me. I have absolutely no idea why he’s just done a 360 like that. Did he not like me as much as he made out? Does he just need time? I don’t know what to say to him or whether I should chase this or not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): You dodged a bullet here. He sounds emotionally unavailable and has a lot of baggage. Chalk this up to experience, wish him well and move forward.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 June 2020):
 Given the suddenness of the change of mind, my guess would be he has suddenly hit a "wall" and, despite his best efforts and intentions, feels out of his depth.
In your shoes, I would first ask myself if I am prepared to put myself at risk of possibly going through this sort of scenario many times because, if he can get cold feet once, he can do it again. If you decide he is worth the risk, I would message him and say something like "I don't know what has happened to make you change your mind so suddenly but I hope you are ok." Then step back and see if he comes back. If not, then you need to move on as it was not meant to be.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2020):
 Frankly, OP, to me his " issues " sound like total bullshit. And rather trite too, nothing new or inventive. His unstable childhood and sense of abandonment have not prevented him at all from pursuing you, feeling instant chemistry ( and acting on this physical attraction, I'd wager ) , arranging dates etc. ( Btw, I suppose these
" dates " , due to lockdown, will have happened at his place , or yours. And yeah, that's relevant too, meaning that they weren't really dates-dates- like in a real courtship or at least in " I am so curious to get to know you better " way… ). In short, everything was fine and dandy until it was CASUAL. The moment it dawns on him that you may want / ask / expect from him some form of regularity if not of committment- whoosh ! he is gone.
He wants to keep it casual ; as , after all, he made no mysteries about . Believe him.
Now you may want to think this is because he has
" committment issues ". Personally, I am not even sure " committment issues " do exist. It's a bit like " mixed signals ": if the signals are mixed , ...they are no signals. Not strong enough to signal anything meaningful, that is.
Same with " committment issues " , that's a field in which men behave not differently from women; meaning that if they have the feeling they chanced into something worth keeping- they 'll do anything in their power to seal the deal , mark their territory and stabilize the relationship . That, in general, even if they had a worse childhood than Oliver Twist - so strong the impulse is to ward off the competition. When they do not appreciate enough what they have chanced into, in other words when "they are not that much into you "... then sort of automatically " they are not ready for a relationship ".
But why was he coming on so strong, then ? The thrill of the chase . He " chased " until he got what he wanted ( and mind you that I don't necessarily imply a physical sexual conquest; the victory may be also just about arising your interest, knowing that he made you care about him, knowing that you'd want him badly : big ego trip ) but then…. It's like , you know, those kids who can pester mom mercilessly for weeks in a row for that special new toy, but once mom says " Allright then, let us get you this blessed new toy " … they lose interest. As a matter of fact, I think precisely his coming on very strong at the very beginning could / should have been a red flag. Things which develop in harmony , also start in harmony, it's not so complicated, there's no chase , no push-and-pull; less exciting, maybe, less erotic, but…. it all feels simple, easy and natural.
Of course I may be wrong- amd he may actually be haunted by demons of his past that make it harder for him to get attached to people and have relationships. Well, IMHO this does not change the situation, nor my advice not to waste time on this guy, because : are you a psychologist ? A psychiatrist ? Would you be getting paid to sort him out ? No?... then you have neither the competence nor the °convenience " to try and change him. Supposing that his being unreceptive comes from his bad relationships with his family etc. - why do you want to take on a fixer-upper ? He would be apparently someone who 'd need a lot of work done on him before he can be a viable, satisfactory partner ; why do you want to take upon you such a burden after just a few dates and a bond based mostly on " chemistry " ? Don't you think that there must be tons of less problematic guys around to choose from ?..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): It's a harsh realization that even I myself found quite difficult to fathom. I met someone a few years ago, and we got along famously! Never once had an argument!
I came to DC shortly after being dumped. I have to admit it was one of the finest short-term relationships ever! He was gorgeous, funny, we traveled together, exchanged a lot of gifts, and he introduced me to many things that were not really that much of an interest prior to knowing him. Then it just stopped. He told me on the night he dumped me, I could do better than being with him. Fortunately, it was true...and I did! I found true-love, and it's wonderful!
Some people you like are merely passing through. They like you, and they may be very pleasant company. You have to learn to reserve your feelings. Don't attach too quickly based on a few good dates.
Let the mind and your commonsense govern your lonely-heart. Don't let your imagination exceed reality by seeing things too far into the future. Stay in the present. Allow yourself to determine if your own feelings are as true as you think they are, or if neediness or loneliness is the reason you've become so quickly attached? Looking back, I had turned-down numerous dates; I was in a period of celibacy for over a year. Being overwhelmed with so much attention; and having so much fun opened me up. I attribute it to his charms and good-looks; and his pension for knowing how to show you a good-time. Fine dining, romantic destinations, and great sex. I'm not one for casual-sex, I prefer being in a relationship; and I want it to be meaningful between us. I'm old-fashioned. It wasn't even me who wanted to make it exclusive! It was his idea!!!
He didn't really want a committed-relationship; he just wanted the faithfulness and love that comes with it. He wanted exclusive-ownership. He needed to be loved monogamously; but didn't want to lose his freedom to see other guys as well. He was attracted to me sexually, and told me he never felt as safe as I made him feel. He never offered me flattery, and he is the kind of guy who speaks his mind. You can trust what he says. The fact is, he had appointed me an expiration-date.
He was with someone else within two months. Wouldn't have known, had a friend not told me! My friend ran into him, and his new love-interest, while vacationing. Was I jealous? Yeah! Got over it! Being pissed-off was good medicine for healing!
Then you wonder why did he dump me?
Many reasons. Some people know when they aren't good enough for you, or have character-flaws that you don't deserve. Commitment to one person, and the demands of trusting someone and earning trust; is a scary responsibility. Not everyone can do it. Overthinking creates unfounded-fears of what could happen if you don't measure-up, if your partner might lose interest; or if something is discovered about them that you won't like. Then there is divine-intervention. When God knows someone is capable of deeply hurting or damaging you; and He diverts their attention elsewhere for your protection. In my case, I believe it to be divine-intervention; and his fear I'd discover things about him he didn't want me to know. Scary things!
Try to detach and avoid feeling rejected. It wasn't meant to be, and you might have allowed yourself to hold too much stock in what you thought him to be. He realized he may not live-up to your expectations; and he wasn't ready to commit to someone he had only just met. He could see you were falling too quickly. He may have only intended a brief romantic-connection, have sex, and then be on his way. There is always that convenient excuse that they've been hurt, and not ready for anything serious. There's a caveat to consider in that excuse; because you only get one-side of it. Did he get hurt, or did he hurt someone else?
Shake it off! Move on. You'll do better, just as I did.
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A
female
reader, Beets  +, writes (23 June 2020):
 Oh wow, this has to be painful for you to hear from him. He's done a complete 180 from morning to evening. It might be good for you to look into attachment styles. He seems to have a very avoidant attachment style.I honestly do not believe for one moment that you have done anything wrong. This is not about you at all. This is about him and his issues. Please don't chase after him. If you have to respond at all to his text, just say, "I understand." Then you very desperately need to shut the door and move on. This guy has issues that are deeper than you can ever hope to fix by yourself. He will have to lose many good relationships before he ever wakes up to what he has done. By that time, I hope you are married to someone else. I would advise to block and move on. Block, not because he's a bad guy, but he will come back in a day, a week, a year...and will want to string you along yet again. Lucky you found out early, before you got even more involved. He is not a good match for you.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 June 2020):
 you don't really know much about this guy other than that he has had a difficult life and has trouble letting people in.
It sounds like he does like you, you both seem to get along and share chemistry.
Maybe he got cold feet, maybe he has got a lot going on in his private life at the moment.
I would not take it as he has completely brushed you off at the moment. He says he is not ready for a relationship at the moment. So leaving things as they are, does he mean still meet up and do stuff from time to time.
Yes i think he needs time, and yes i think you should contact him at least once more just to see where you stand.
If you get the feeling that he has gone cold on you, or does not reply to you, leave it and walk away and don't make contact a second time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 June 2020):
 I think this guy liked you JUST fine, if not a bit more than that but has commitment and other issues that he hasn't worked through and dealt with so he carries it around like extra baggage.
This isn't about you. This is him.
Does he need time? Time might not fix this if he doesn't work on the issues that is stopping him from pursuing a healthy relationship.
There is nothing YOU can do though, other than wish him well, that you hope he will find a way to work on his issues, and probably let him know that you will cut all contact because you don't want to be stringed along.
He might decide in a months that oops he was wrong and want to date you again, and then a couple of months down the line, he pulls away again. Who wants to date a yo-yo? Even one you have good chemistry with?
Don't go sit on a shelf for this guy while he ponders if he can handle a relationship or not. Move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): You need to leave him alone. Do not chase him and don’t contact him until he contacts you. There are many reasons a person is not ready for a relationship. It may have nothing to do with you. Any amount of chasing or contacting him will not make him change his mind and will only make things worse. And will definitely make him not want you if it has nothing to do with you. He needs to sort things out and unfortunately men do this alone.He has told you his feelings so take him at his word. If it has nothing to do with you, he will probably be in contact with you once he has sorted things out or he is ready. If he doesn’t then take it as a blessing and find someone that does want to be with you. Do not wait for him either as he will not see that as attractive and will not do You any good either.It is hard when this happens and you may feel rejected and hurt. But try not to take it personally as some people are just not right for each other or have issues they need to deal with first. I would take this as he is either not interested or not in the same place as you in terms of being ready for a relationship. So I would cut my losses and find someone who is. Do not waste your time as you can’t change another persons opinions and trying to do that will only make you look and feel worse. We as humans tend to take what people say to us as we want to hear it instead of actually listening to what people are saying to us. You deserve someone who is ready for you and Into you more than this. Retain your dignity and walk away. Good luck
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