A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice and opinion on how to earn money and be financially dependent as a single mom. Perhaps job that i can do at home while taking care of my son. I got no experience in working formally because i help my parents before im married. Im really good at cooking at least. Im currently living separately with my husband for almost a year. He is a liar , gambler, cheater, and manipulative person that stole from me for his addiction. I took my son with me and stay with my family. While at first they seem supportive ( they handle all the expenses of me and my son all this time im so grateful of that) but they dont support me to stand on my own. They still encourage and ask me to reconcile with him. While he doesnt bother to call or text me, they blame me that i dont contact him first and try to reconcile and keep my marriage. Until now, he seems like enjoying this separation because he can live like a single man which he loves and he doesnt seems to feel sorry for what he did. My family ( especially my brother) still ask and urge me to get back to him though.Today my mom made it clear. She said that my husband family will feel just okay with i bringing my son and raised him here because one day he will find his dad and he will bring their family name. It hurt me so much like there are boundaries between us. We are asian and thats really sad to be one of it. People value son much more than daughter even after today. When i grow up, i witness and experience favouritism between me and my brothers. Im the only girl but my parents seem to favour them more. A little piece of me envy them. I got jealous because i know i will be the last and they are better. I love them. But this situation hurt my feelings so much. I searched a lot on how to earn money at home online. I dont know where and what to start for a business. I just dont have idea where and what should i do. I feel so hurt by this situation. I need to stand on my own and raised my son and give him a happy life.Thanks for reading. I feel much relieved.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): Wiseowle, you gave a very on point answers each time. The truth hit me hard everytime i read your answers although i knew the truth, but you confirm my feelings are real. Honestly, i always waiting for your answer each time i posted here. Thank you very much to the other anonymous answers too.
My parents are urging me to reconcile with my husband and i have suspicion my younger brother is involved in this. In the past, he dated a girl and was hiding the relationship from us. My mom asked me to search about who is this girl and i got that she works in the bank and they became close just after she knew about my brother account ( my father separate the money into our name and it still consider as a huge amount for our age ). She is very aggresive and my mom dislike that. My brother lied several times when he was being asked and since then he hated us and especially me.
He is always a very good hearted boy. He treated others well and he loves my son genuinely. He is like a dad figure for my son. My parents is always very supportive to him. Be it financially or mentally. They always make him priority and i feel second best. Actually it was verbally said by my mom that he is a man thats why they prepared his future and he is handling all the business for them. While im a married girl that shouldnt staying with them anymore. My brother told my mom that after knowing my husband stole from me, i shouldnt come home and stay with them and i should stay by his side as his loyal wife and help him solve the problems. Now my mom keep repeating his words to me. He often ask me about my husband in front of my parents and my mom will continue to talk about my husband after that. Now my house from my parents is being renovated and its estimated that it will be done in 3 months. I will move there with my husband after the house is done. My negative mind told me that my brother is the one who influenced my parents because he has his own agenda. Everytime they talked about the progress of the house i felt like they want to kick me out asap. I feel so alone in this moment.
I admit that i envy him sometimes and i need to shallow that feelings daily. Its from little to crucial things they will prioritize him. Like my father will serve plate for him to eat, my mother will cook only for him and said i can cook on my own ( its understandable because im the one who cook for home 3 meals daily). Little things that sparks jealousy. They respect him far more than me as a human. Once i told my mom that they are being so unfair to me and she said of course he is my son and said that not every parents gave a house for their married daughter and i should be grateful. Eventhough i knew after that she regret what she said but it hurt me deeply. I promised myself i would never ever treat my son like that. Its really a horrible feelings to bear with.
As one of the answer here, i need to be independent financially eventhough my parents has turned me down several times. I told them about business opportunities that im interested to try, they seem not excited about that and said it wont work. Now i have a plan to write an e book and i will sold it online. I have searched about that extensively and i guess i will have a try on it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2020): Wiseowle, you gave a very on point answers each time. The truth hit me hard everytime i read your answers although i knew the truth, but you confirm my feelings are real. Honestly, i always waiting for your answer each time i posted here. Thank you very much to the other anonymous answers too.
My parents are urging me to reconcile with my husband and i have suspicion my younger brother is involved in this. In the past, he dated a girl and was hiding the relationship from us. My mom asked me to search about who is this girl and i got that she works in the bank and they became close just after she knew about my brother account ( my father separate the money into our name and it still consider as a huge amount for our age ). She is very aggresive and my mom dislike that. My brother lied several times when he was being asked and since then he hated us and especially me.
He is always a very good hearted boy. He treated others well and he loves my son genuinely. He is like a dad figure for my son. My parents is always very supportive to him. Be it financially or mentally. They always make him priority and i feel second best. Actually it was verbally said by my mom that he is a man thats why they prepared his future and he is handling all the business for them. While im a married girl that shouldnt staying with them anymore. My brother told my mom that after knowing my husband stole from me, i shouldnt come home and stay with them and i should stay by his side as his loyal wife and help him solve the problems. Now my mom keep repeating his words to me. He often ask me about my husband in front of my parents and my mom will continue to talk about my husband after that. Now my house from my parents is being renovated and its estimated that it will be done in 3 months. I will move there with my husband after the house is done. My negative mind told me that my brother is the one who influenced my parents because he has his own agenda. Everytime they talked about the progress of the house i felt like they want to kick me out asap. I feel so alone in this moment.
I admit that i envy him sometimes and i need to shallow that feelings daily. Its from little to crucial things they will prioritize him. Like my father will serve plate for him to eat, my mother will cook only for him and said i can cook on my own ( its understandable because im the one who cook for home 3 meals daily). Little things that sparks jealousy. They respect him far more than me as a human. Once i told my mom that they are being so unfair to me and she said of course he is my son and said that not every parents gave a house for their married daughter and i should be grateful. Eventhough i knew after that she regret what she said but it hurt me deeply. I promised myself i would never ever treat my son like that. Its really a horrible feelings to bear with.
As one of the answer here, i need to be independent financially eventhough my parents has turned me down several times. I told them about business opportunities that im interested to try, they seem not excited about that and said it wont work. Now i have a plan to write an e book and i will sold it online. I have searched about that extensively and i guess i will have a try on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): Hello, and welcome once again! I recognize your story, and I've responded each time. I am very happy to know, that at least you and your son are safe and sound.
Being jealous of your brother is neither here nor there. Blame it on your parents for the way they insist on seeing things. Your culture is based on a male-dominated society; yet there are still very prominent women in Asian society contributing to science, academics, economics, military, medicine, and politics. It's up to you to find what fits you! We can't tell you what you should do or what profession you should choose. That's a matter of necessity and what limited skills you have to work with.
When you have no job-skills, you have to learn them through classes and training. It all depends on how determined and committed you are to being independent, and taking care of you and your son.
From your previous posts, and the consistency of your story each time; it is evident that your family insist on you staying married to your husband. It is traditional in Asia that daughters be married, have children, and have a husband to take care of them. It's almost a shame to have an unmarried-daughter, or one who shows more ambition than her brothers. You having no job-skills, leaves everyone no choice but to want you to have someone to take care of you. They are also insisting you've made your bed, and they feel you should lie in it! You chose your husband! Apparently your husband's family-name has some prestige or significance; and the last thing they want for their grandson, is to be a boy without a father. They ignore your wishes, for all the reasons you've given yourself. They are too stubborn to change their out-dated mindset; and as you've admitted, females have little say and limited choices.
Start by finding a training-program where you can learn a trade or occupation. Seek jobs that may offer on-the-job training to establish yourself some work-skills, and to build a resume. You've never worked, you're pampered, and your parents are the type of people concerned about their image and how they are perceived by the community. They don't really care what you want, as long as you don't bear shame on the family.
You've been told to seek training or return to school before. You write every other month or so; probably to vent your frustration, but you are limited to the wishes and control of your family. No matter what people living in other nations might advise you to do; you will be expected to listen to your parents, and they will more or less force you to obey. They don't seem to care what you want, they only care how you represent your family. Until you decide to go to school and learn a job-skill; you are at their mercy, and you will be expected to do as you're told. I'm not telling you what you don't already know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): It depends how much you need to earn, but there is a website called 'Single Mum's Income', put together by a single mum who has tried a lot of the working form home jobs and has sorted out the scams from the genuine thing.
I remember you posting before. How about baking cakes for specialist shops? Or a website where you can sell them if you're a good cook.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): I am a single mum in the UK. I read your post and I understand how you feel. I am not Chinese, I am white, but I can relate to many of the things that you say. I won't go into my situation other than to say it is similar, and in my early life I had nothing - absolutely nothing. I didn't even know how to 'want' anything for myself because I'd grown up in an abusive family, where I was not allowed to express normal needs. But I wanted things for my daughter. Now I am much older than you - probably about twice your age. I can tell you my life is not perfect in any way, but I have achieved a huge amount and pulled us out of poverty. I could easily have re-married, to someone wealthy (I was considered very pretty) but I didn't want to. I wanted to make my own future. However, divorce and re-marriage may be something you actually want to do - in China I don't know how difficult it is to do this though. I don't even know if you want to marry a white man, but I definitely know there are agencies that would help you to find someone. I'm not recommending it, I'm just saying it is up to you.Families always favour someone. Often it is the boys and the men. BUT I know from experience that families definitely tend to favour the one who becomes wealthiest. Maybe not at first, when they are starting out, but later they will. It is, I agree, much harder for women to gain respect including from family - it is not 'given'. It is incredibly difficult to become financially independent as a single mother but I think it is possible - though extremely tough. It also depends on your personality. I am the most determined person I know, but everything I have done can never, ever be the same as a wealthy person who was born into wealth and never had to worry about money or think about anyone other than themselves. What kind of personality do you have? It is important to think this through and be honest with yourself, because this will make a difference to what you want and what you are prepared to do.As a general rule, I would suggest sit down by yourself and identify your goals for what you want - don't let practical issues get in the way at this stage, just think of what you want. Is it a house for yourself and your son? Is it to change your name so that you don't have to have his father's family name (I did this, I made a new name entirely for my daughter and I)? Is it to have more children, a husband, adventure, travel, what do you want? Good school for your son?Next, you have to work out how to get this. Try to create a plan and keep re-visiting this, improving it many times. This will take time.This will be based on what you have to offer and what ways you can use your gifts to earn money that will fit your plan.If you are a good cook, why not offer to cook for others for payment? You could also consider childcare, so that you can look after your son at the same time.Digital skills will probably be the best for your to earn money however, and any digital skills that involve being close to or 'around' money making will be best - for example, accountancy skills or banking skills. The whole world is shifting to digital, online working and you can actually reach people globally, just as you have on this forum. If you think you are inventive then be creative - you can combine digital skills with other skills like cooking. So, for example, can you offer to cook and deliver meals to people and can you create a website online and take orders online? Can you create kinds of food that could be marketed globally and shipped globally? Other people have done this? Can you become an 'influencer' by creating an instagram or blog account, and start advertising ingredients you use in your cooking or showing people how you cook? Be inventive in your thinking - think of any different ways you can combine cooking with digital skills and take any opportunity at all to learn new digital skills, this will offer you the most flexibility.I think, based on experience, your family will not be supportive of you very much until you start to show that you are 'winning' and even then they may still not be - mine weren't and never have been. But my advice is be firm with them, show discipline, stick your ground and keep asking them to respect your decisions and, if they are not going to help you, at least don't make you feel degraded just for trying.
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