A
male
age
,
*agman
writes:A bit of a long story but the background is important. I was a happily married man (so I thought) until I met somebody else last year. She was also happily married (her words). Anyway, we had an affair and tried to end it by walking away but we couldn't and ended up continuing it.I left my wife in October last year because I felt that it was somehow more honest to leave feeling that I loved somebody else more. I did, and still believe that was the right decision for me.My mistress (as she was at the time) went away at Christmas last year to consider her options and decided to leave her husband and live with me. She had a crisis of confidence in February, went away again but decided to stay with me. She told me she was totally committed to it.Things were going well - we had the usual early relationship difficulties, negotiations, compromises etc but we were happy.Then suddenly a few weeks ago she received a letter from her husband. She tells me it said that he would forgive her and take her back (I am the second person she has left him for in 7 years so this was a second 'taking back' on his part). He would change his ways, give her anything etc etcNow she has gone away again saying she is completely confused, that she totally and completely loves me, that I am everything she wants but that she is 'mourning the loss of her husband and the life they had planned'. But she keeps referring to making a choice between him and me. I know that, while she is away, she plans on meeting him several times to 'see what is there'.I have agreed because, to be honest, I have no choice. I am completely in love with her but am absolutely struggling with this constant battle she is having between her and her husband.My question is really - is there anything I can do for her except just leave her alone to overcome this? And, also, am I just being a complete idiot by letting this carry on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 What is there to be confused about?
1. This woman is a cheater who wants it both ways. Over and again agony aunts have told you this.
2. You choose to see only what you want to see, so what I said in #1 is lost on you.
3. The longer you let yourself be strung along the more self-respect you lose, and it will become all the more painfully apparent as you come to terms with the time you lost pining after this woman.
As I said before, your choices come with consequences.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Slim Shady nailed it; this lady is hedging her bets and making sure she won't end up without a man. She's telling you she hasn't given her husband a commitment, but chances are he's not ready to take her back. Until they reconcile,she keeps you hanging on so she won't be alone; asking you to accompany her to the specialist is her way of making sure you're still emotionally attached. Why the terminal language in her emails? She's does this so when her husband takes her back, she can point back to her emails as proof that the two of you have been over so you have no reason to be upset or feel used--the old "I told you we were broken up even though I kept doing things to make you believe you still had a chance" technique.
She's playing you like a violin, my friend. She's going back to her husband as soon as he opens the door for her to return and you're going to be out in the cold, wondering what in the hell happened to your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): Bagman, what what you learnt , if anything, fron this drama. you left a happy marriage for this???? you know this relationship is doomed.
this woman has had 2 affairs while married, she is now going back and forth between you and her husband , with no closure.
was she worth destroying your marriage, perhaps kids as well. this woman is incapable of having a decent relationship. she is incapable of remaining faithful and she is incapable of loving anyone but herself. she is a user, a userper and a drama queen. perhaps one day you will have the balls and moral convictions to do the right thing.
is this how you want to spend the rest of your life. with a woman who will mess you around.
i ask the question again: was this woman worth the destruction of your seemingly good home and marriage. do you have any regrets, leaving your wife? if you have to do things dirrefently, would you? i see a man who very very soon, will be looking at his life and asking: how /where did it all go wrong?
you will find that relationship that is usually borne from lies, deceit , devastation and betrayal almost never work out. the foundation is wrong and you just cannot build a decent life around it.
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): She's burning it at both ends, friend. She sounds self destructive and unpredictable. Neither of you can commit to marriage...or divorce, because it sounds like you haven't filed. You may thnk you can deal with it, but in the end, it will only continue to hurt you. Walk away. If she comes around, let her PROVE her commitment and love. Filing for divorce would be my only real indication she's sincere about a life with you. Otherwise, seek higher ground. Find another woman to see if you might find better out there while she plays the husband game...and get a divorce.
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A
male
reader, Bagman +, writes (11 September 2010):
Bagman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK so here is an update. She is telling me that she has met her husband a few times but has made no commitment to him. In the meantime she is mailing me constantly and told me only yesterday that her feelings for me have never changed.
She has developed a medical condition that is potentially serious (although she is a hypochondriac) but she has been telling me all about it and asked me to go with her to see a specialist next week. I assume her husband knows but why is she asking me?
On the other hand all the language in her mails is terminal and refers to us being over, except for the odd reference to missing me and telling me she still loves me.
More confused than I was before!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): I am sadly in the same situation as you. I met my lover at work and we both left our spouses. We began to look for a house together and settled on apartments adjacent to one another while we figured out issues with our children to be close together. His wife and kids moved to Mexico (their vacation spot) for 4 months once they separated. He continued to go down and see them whilst we were carrying on our relationship. I now know that he was trying to work things out with her. We lived next to one another for a year. I also worked for him and on his last trip to Mexico to see them- upon his return he told me I needed to find a new job and that I also should move from my apartment so that I was not around him (he was paying my rent as well as his). I have since that time (4 months ago been unemployed, separated from my husband with little support and 3 children) Financially, I have been wrecked. Emotionally is as you can imagine very upsetting but I knew what I was getting into. I just didn't have the foresight to make decisions based on my well being. Intuitively, I knew this was a no win situation that I should have not gotten involved in. You should move on... statistically and reality says it is extremely unfavorable odds that this could work. I need to pick up the pieces and think of myself now even though he continues to contact me since going back to his wife. I suggest you put your emotional feelings aside and move on.. It is lonely and hard in the beginning but with time and NO contact you will feel stronger and possibly even feel the connection you had was only lust. Best of luck to you.. it isn't easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): you left a happy marriage for a cheater. what number are you on her list. she has established a trend and she uses her husband as a safety net to run to. she iwll never commit to you and you can run along like that foolish puppy you are behaving like. she is using your feelings for her as a doormat, to walk all over you. all i can now say is this; If your wife had to see you now being cheated on , she must be saying, Karma works! Mister you left a faithful woman for a cheating one. wonders ceaase to amaze me.
- LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): Friend,
I do not know what number you have in the queue. You said she has multiple cheating partners even when she was married. ( Not sure of pre-marriage numbers ).
In my honest opinion, you made the wrong choice in the beginning itself.
Now best advice will be to get away from her, it is sure that you can plan your life with her. She is not your life partner or far that matter to any of her men's, she is not....
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (28 August 2010):
If she comes back to you, have your fun, but otherwise, I think you should go to their place and have a chat with them about the situation. If she shoos you away or he tells you to piss off, say "I'd like to talk with YOU about the situation, sir."
If they let you in, proceed to have a clam conversation about all that's happened. They offer a menage-a-trois, but if that doesn't appeal to you, or no such offer is made, do mention you ended your marriage for her.
When you feel the time is right, mention compensation. Say something like "I wish I had some sort of compensation for what I've lost" and then hopefully he might reply"Would $5000 cover it?"... but delay this. You never know: he might have a lady friend for you.
Personally I find my advice a bit cuckoo, but better that than a cuckold!
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (28 August 2010):
Because you're the second man she has left her husband for I don't think things bode well for you. Sounds like your lady uses affairs as a way to deal with problems in her marriage and leaves him as a kind of 'wake-up call'. He's willing to take her back and it seems she is willing to go back to him. I doubt she ever intended to permanently leave her marriage as she misses him and the life she shared with him.
You took a gamble on a cheater and it was a losing bet. Shit happens, it's just unfortunate that you destroyed your marriage over someone who is not willing to go the distance with you. Oh well...
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 August 2010):
 In my opinion, this appears to be a pattern for her. I'm willing to bet she'll never be happy with one person. She'll always be looking to see where "the grass is greener". I know it sucks because you sacrifice your life and your marriage to be with her, but what's to stop her from doing this to you in a few years if she chooses you?
I hate to sound like this, but I wouldn't trust her. You've sacrificed too much already, I suggest moving on instead of waiting for her.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Arrrgggghhhh!!!
You got 2 choices...
wait like a love sick puppy hoping that she will choose you, (for how long remains a mystery). With regard to how she's behaving, you can't do anything to influence her decision.
or...
accept it was one of lifes mistakes to get involved with a cheater who will most likely cheat on you with her husband and get on with your own life.
Not much of a choice but the whole of life is a gamble. Most people give their heart and get it broken...it it really frustrating but like everything else...you make your choice and go with it.
Nobody said life was fair!!
Good luck
Aunty Em x
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket +, writes (27 August 2010):
Oh shit! By cheating with a cheater ye have reaped what ye sowed. But you did the right thing in the end by leaving your wife rather than staying with her and cheating.. the lesser of two evils.
It's wrong for her to be going back to the ex-husband after you've both left your spouses. Her choice, but what an unfair choice on you.. and because of a letter.
"Seeing if anything is there... here she is, sleeping with her ex-husband, while you wait at home. Being a man, you don't get the opportunity to do the same with your ex-wife.
What a bad situation. I try to offer advice, but this time I can simply commiserate. What a pickle you are in.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (27 August 2010):
Choices come with consequences good and bad. While you have quickly come to terms with your choice your woman is still struggling. It's likely that guilt is a strong motivator in her life. Until she sees how guilt guides her she won't be comfortable with her choices.
Engage her in a discussion to find out the extent to which guilt runs her life. If I am right then you'll have decide if you want to hang on to someone who doesn't see life the way you think she does. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): You did the right thing by leaving your wife in order to persue the relationship with the other woman, because to continue it without your wife knowing would have been terrible.
However, you seem to have made the wrong choice in terms of the new partner. She has a history of cheating and leaving her husband, so there is nothing to suggest that things will be different with you. They won't.
Finally, there isn't much you can do. You can either chose to wait for her and thus, hand over the control of your life to the whims and decisions of this woman. Or you can, chalk this mistake up to experience and walk away from this whole mess.
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