A
female
age
51-59,
*owgirltuff
writes:I am married for 5 1/2 yrs. My husband and I have useId talking about a 3some several times during sex for excitement. Me being bi. But he has always said he doesn't really wanna do it. But the opportunity presented itself. And he asked and asked if I would . I finally agreed. (I don't blame him for everything).. So we discussed this. The boundaries, safe sex, safe word. It quickly turned bad. He couldn't wait to get his hands on her. He began to ignore me. I felt like the 3rd wheel. He had oral both ways him and her. I tried to interact and he pushed me away. Next thing I know they are going at it both moaning like crazy and I notice there is no condom bring used. I asked him at that point to stop. He ignored my request. She kept trying to touch me. And he would think of things to keep her occupied. He entered her 3 times and once anal. Again no condom. He finally try to be sexual with me and he went limp. After I cannot get sexually excited. I tried but cannot reach orgasm or even excited. I can hardly even look at him. I feel sick to my stomached constantly.. And angry how he treated and told her he would love to do it again. P.S. He did things to her sexually he has never done to me... I had to ask 3times for this to stop. I feel I can't get over it... I just see it over and over.. And I have tried telling him how I feel and he gets angry and we end in an argument..
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male
reader, rescuer01 +, writes (17 September 2012):
I am sorry that you had to go thru with what you went thru,But I TOTALLY blame him and the other woman,but especially him,because he knew what the rules were and agreed to them.Again I say,you has to go with what your heart is leading you to do.You have to do what's gonna be best for you if he don't want to try to work on it and admitted that he done wrong and is willing work on things to make it right with you.I am a man and if me and my wife make a solict agreement and promise on something,(which lots of time we do)I am gonna make sure I don't break that agreement or if I do,I got to make it right with her if I want to stay in the marriage.Cowgirl,again,with whatever decision you make,I don't think anyone here gonna judge you for that,If anything,I think that the ones here who are your friends are gonna be here for your support.I for one will.
A
female
reader, cowgirltuff +, writes (16 September 2012):
cowgirltuff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes we all discussed the boundaries... She is a obviously as selfish as he is... I don't think they knew each other prior. I would hope not due to the fact that they acted as if they didn't. But then again who knows. Like I have tried to explain to him. I asked he wire a condom and he didn't. I told him if he wants to play with his own life that's up to him. But it doesn't give him the right to play with mine. And what about pregnancy also. It will never happen in my life again..
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A
female
reader, distortionatitsfinest +, writes (15 September 2012):
Your definitely not an idiot!! You made it clear and agreed to do the deed after rules were established! Your feelings are valid and I cannot imagine how traumatic that must have been for you and I'm sorry that what could have been a good experience turned out so bad...
I'm curious was all the of rules talked over with the woman you brought in? Are you sure they didn't know each other prior? I've definitely done the whole threesome I being the one whom was the extra brought into a marriage that lasted over 8 months and if at any time during that 8 months his wife would have showed or verbalized she was uncomfortable I would have stopped it then.I would have felt uncomfortable having heard her say stop once and things continued. I will say their marriage ended shortly after I left that situation I had no emotional ties to that situation so it was no big deal leaving it when the man tried to get with me solo, I stayed at their house often and there were several times i'd wake up to him. which was clearly not part of the initial rules! After i left them he quickly moved her out and then started his chase with me needless to say that wasnt what i was there for and the "feelings" he had were definitely different from my own. I've remained friends with her to this day. Point being seems a little odd that with the use of your safe words BOTH of them continued on as tho you werent there.
Your husband obviously had no concern for you or your feelings and his getting angry about it is crazy.. even if it turned out well how does a couple have that experience and then not discuss it at all.. Why cause for him there is nothing to discuss he got his cake and ate it to with your permission.. and going off of his reaction he will justify his actions regardless of your feelings because you gave the ok. The total lack of respect and disregard he has shown you should speak volumes and i hope whatever the outcome of your marriage you end up happy!
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female
reader, cowgirltuff +, writes (15 September 2012):
cowgirltuff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Believe it or not just reading your post and advise has very helpful.... I have made some decisions and my stomach wasn't as bad today. Talking to people about it... Again Thank you all
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female
reader, cowgirltuff +, writes (15 September 2012):
cowgirltuff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Believe it or not just reading your post and advise has very helpful.... I have made some decisions and my stomach wasn't as bad today. Talking to people about it... Again Thank you all
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I was not mocking you and do not think you look like an idiot. But thank you SVC...you stated my thought perfectly...your husband played you. Honestly, I can also understand why you just stood there. You were shocked, you were in a compromising position, you pleaded and were probably disillusioned because of the treatment you received. But he did play you. Now you need to move forward with counseling and some tough love for him. You may not find him worth it anymore. Once someone breaks a trust issue, it is awfully hard to go back.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 September 2012):
 hi, i don't think you are 'playing the victim'. Instead I think you are a woman in a state of total confusion and shock and this is down to your husband.
I call it Jelly-backbone and a lack of balls when one party to a marriage or relationship chooses to behave in a completely disrespectful manner with a view to getting the other party to walk out of the marriage or partnership or relationship.
Weak persons do this so that they can then say 'x left me, ain'r it awful? Woe woe is me' This is because by X leaving them (only because the other party set up the conditions so that X would look like the bad one - just walking out for (allegedly) ''X just got up and left me for no reason''
I know what he did confused and distressed you and with good reason. He is a jerk for behaving so disrespectfully.
To help you deal effectively with how things are now - and deal with even more or the same (or worse) in the future, if you choose to stay with him then I really thing some assertiveness skills training and practising using your voice to better stand up for yourself may help.
I do understand that you were doing your best and even with some assertive words directed his ways he might still ignore you completely and still attempt to humilate you.
You do have a right to speak up and using a firm assertive tone of voice.
It may not stop your husband in his tracks when next he wants to behave so badly and disrespfully.
Being assertive WILL make you feel more in control and will help support you. And let him know that you are not a doormat available for him to treat so badly.
Best wishes with the future.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 September 2012):
 you don't look like an idiot.
he fucking played you
he wanted to bang her with permission that you would not have given if you were not invited to the "threesome"
I strongly urge some personal counseling and then you can figure out if you want to stay with your husband (and if you do how you will cope with his disrespect and his refusal to talk about it)
HIS ANGER clearly says to me that HE KNOWS he fucked up. HE KNOWS he was WRONG...
tell him that.
tell him you know he's angry as a defense mechanism.
let him know how you feel.. and tell him that while you are angry and hurt you think the two of you can fix it if you BOTH want it.
he may want out of the marriage and is doing this to make you the bad guy (my ex husband did that to me)
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female
reader, cowgirltuff +, writes (14 September 2012):
cowgirltuff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not trying to play poor victim here. I was trying to get advice about it. If getting past this horrible sick feeling I am feeling. She was someone we met at a bar. When we met her is when he proceeded To bug me about the threesome. I do understand I look like an idiot. But I think I was in shock that this person I trusted with everything would betray me. With so many different ways. He gets so angry at me whenever I bring it up and try to discuss my feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): I'm with Cerberus. I would have been a lot more forceful in this situation. I would have shouted, possibly gotten physical with them if they didn't stop. This is a hypothetical situation for me, though, because I wouldn't have a threesome to begin with. I've heard way too many horror stories about the husband or wife developing feelings for the 3rd person.
Anyway, I think it's pretty clear he wants to continue with this women. Maybe it's actually a good thing you 2 decided to do this. It got him to show his true colors. Let them be together, he'll eventually get tired of having sex with her and move on to someone else. And best of all, it won't be your problem. Life is too short to put up with someone like him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 September 2012):
Bond Girl, with all due respect… I see your point truly… but having been a member of the lifestyle and having done threesomes and gang bangs etc with my then husband I can tell you that her husband was WRONG and he handled this badly….
Yes she agreed to it but the OP did not agree to be disrespected…
Any “scene” that is set up needs… trust between the parties and especially between the partners.
The husband AGREED to boundaries he broke’
HE agreed to safe sex which he broke
He agreed to safe words that he ignored.
I agree that a divorce based on these issues is a wise choice… it’s hard to go back after such a betrayal.
Now the OP is not totally blameless…
1. She could have easily have stopped him from having relations with this woman… she ws clearly too passive in her disapproval. IF I don’t’ want my man having intercourse with another woman and I’m in the room…trust me he’s not having intercourse with anyone after I’m done with him…. A man needs an erection to have intercourse and I can easily remedy that…
2. She did agree and he was so eager…. So the question is who found this woman they had sex with… if he did and brought her home then yes he wanted her… but if it was a mutual friend then it’s different.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (14 September 2012):
Everyone is making your husband out to be a monster here, and I honestly can't see it. I understand how you feel, but at the same time, did you not think this through? Did you ever wonder why he became SO EAGER after he at one time wanted no part of a threesome?
I know people have had success with threesomes, and I don't condemn anyone for doing what they want in their bedroom, but what I really want to say is "give me a break". You invited another woman into your bedroom. Did you honestly think your husband, being eager as he was, was going to spend all his time on you?
I am sorry for your misfortune with this situation, but you need to think through these things better. Now you have a mess on your hands, and the best advice I could give is to divorce your husband and move on.
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female
reader, cowgirltuff +, writes (14 September 2012):
cowgirltuff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read the post and Thank you. But a couple of you keep saying if it is true. It is very true. True enough I can't touch him. I am sick to my stomach all day... And the safe word was if either one of us felt uncomfortable. Obviously he didn't care. And I did interact with her but for some reason they kept reverting to each other. I tried interacting with him as well and he pulled away from me. The only time he really included me was at the beginning to tell me to pleasure her to
h er ready for him. This is a true very true story. And yes maybe I didn't word it right the first time.... I have never so disgusted in my life.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 September 2012):
While you need to learn to be more assertive I think you also have to face that your husband is appalling and not worthy of you any more.
I think facing the unpalatable truth is in your best interests. Your husband has no respect for you. He willingly humiliated you. In fact he celebrated humiliating you. That i disgusting behaviour.
You may say that you want to 'save' this marriage. For how long? Until the next time he decides to bring in something even more depraved? More humiliating?
Boundaries? Please, he was just lying to you to ensure that you would agree. Safe Sex? you now have a situation where he might have or could pick up any STD since he does not want to use a condom.
It sounds to me as if he already knew this girl, prior to his request for a threesome, and just wanted an opportunity to get her in his bed and underline to you how much he enjoyed this woman.
He did not want you in his bed. He just wanted to perform for the other woman while you were forced to watch. He was showcasing his sexuality and denying you any role at all.
Of course you should feel sick to the depths of your stomach. He demonstrated a lot of anger towards you in the way he behaved. Nothing he did was supportive towards you. And he was Controlling and proprieterial as he did not want her to touch you.
And then he added more insult to the event by saying he wants to do it all over again.
I believe you and I believe this happened.
now is your time to show some backbone and remove yourself from this marriage. If the first 5 and a half years were truly happy then coming years (IF you stay) are going to be downhill all the way.
Show some self respect and get out of this marriage. He is no longer a man worthy of being called your husband.
Where was the "love and cherish" during his Sexual interactions with this woman, while conveniently forgetting that you even existed?
And since he was aware of so many thing and confident about doing so many things with her that he has never done before with you that I have to wonder how OFTEN has he been slyly cheating on you in the past? Behind your back? Perhaps the pressure became too much and this was his chance to finally show you what he is really interested in, in the Marital Bed. And very sadly for you it seems that it is not you who he is really interested in.
Before you catch some Diabolical STD leave this man.
If he were my husband I would not even waste a minute with counselling. I would see a lawyer and ask for the Divorce to be Fast Tracked.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 September 2012):
 I'm with Cerberus on this one. What were you doing the entire time when they were at it? When were you doing when he was going down on her? When she was giving him oral? Standing and looking and asking them to stop? Assuming you did that the first time, why didn't you just storm out after that? This is clearly fake. No woman can possibly stand and watch her husband having sex with another woman, doing it over and over again, oral, anal...its impossible to believe that you were just a miffed spectator waiting for your turn to perform.
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male
reader, rescuer01 +, writes (14 September 2012):
I'm gonna say I TOTALLY! agree with So Very Confused,because for one,it was respectful and very rude that he did you this way especially after he had asked you to do the 3some,2.She should had stopped once he wouldn't after hearing you tell him to.If she was a friend of yours,I would let her know how you felt about what happened,plus tell your husband that if he would like for this marriage to continue,that it's time for him to follow your rules or else it's over.But you go with what's in your heart and whatever you do will have to be your descision and whatever way you decide to go with it,I am sure the ones who has given you advise on this will be here for your support if you need to talk to someone.Good Luck!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 September 2012):
When I first read this it made me angry... I've had threesomes... both MMF and FMF.... and I am bi.... so I can easily understand the scene.
Then I read Cerberus' reply and I started thinking a bit more about this...
If you are asking if you should end the marriage, by all means feel free to end a marriage to a man who clearly does not respect you or follow the rules.
I will say this.. if what you say is true... and you want to save the marriage and he entered her three time including anally WITHOUT a condom, I'd not be touching him till he was tested. And I would make him go to the family doctor and tell him/her WHY he needs STD testing.
Then I would insist that we NEVER participate in the lifestyle events again...
THEN I would mandate couples therapy to work on the fact that your husband, disrespects you, ignores you, breaks promises to you, and can't follow rules.
Now on to the story that as Cerberus pointed out is a bit over the top.... since I can vividly picture several threesomes I've done I will speak to them...
you set boundaries this is good. so when the first boundary was broken (whether it was was the safe sex and condom or something else) and you reminded him and he continues you should have left then... because honey I NEVER had a man (even my lying cheating childish ex husband who I was a swinger with) EVER break a rule or overstep a boundary and I can tell you that I've NEVER seen a threesome go that way...
you set a safe word. why did you need a safe word was there BDSM going on?
as for him pushing you away... NOT happening because honey in a true threesome with two bi women (or one bi and one bi-curious) all ya gotta do is walk around the bed and get in the bed behind her and start in on her and trust me sweetie, she's rolling over on him to you really fast.... BTDT over and over never seen it fail.
If your argument is that he was on top of her and you could not get to her... even better... easy to distract a man who's on top...
ANAL penetration takes some work on the parts of both partners are you saying that she was as disrespectful to you as he was... so that when you stood there as he lubed up to penetrate her and she presented her butt to him you had no ability to stop them, get between them etc.....
so if this really happened and you are too distraught to write it out properly, I am sorry you are hurting but I think ending this short 5 year marriage, with a man who has no respect for you is in your best interest.
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female
reader, cowgirltuff +, writes (14 September 2012):
cowgirltuff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I meant intercourse 3 times. And anal once. Pluses the oral I was talking about is she performed on him and him on her. .I do feel stupid for not flipping out because he didn't follow our plan either. I don't feel the same now. Yes it is real very real.... I don't know how to deal with my feelings . I don't understand why he didn't stick to stuff. And no protection freaks me out as well. And he had it.
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (14 September 2012):
There is a columnist elsewhere on the internet named Dan Savage who has answered questions similar to yours before. He writes a column named "Savage Love."
This is a link to a question similar to yours and includes his reply: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=12833405&mode=print
I think you should take a look and I hope it can help you. I will warn you in advance...he uses rough language.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): I really hope that this is a fake post, just reading it brought me to tears. Your husband obviously didn't want the threesome, he just wanted "permission" to sleep with another woman. What were you doing the whole time whilst they were going at it? Just standing in a corner whispering 'please stop'? How could you not get him to stop?? If I was in your shoes I would have got out an air horn or screamed for him to stop and that it just isn't happening. Sorry to tell you this, but if he really doesn't care enough to stop at the threesome, and then have no remorse or empathy for the position you were in...your marriage is over. He's already stated he'd love to do it all over again, so he obviously has no regard for your feelings AT ALL. Leave the d-bag.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): I don't see any question either OP, in fact there are so many holes in this story that I can't help feel it's fake. oral both ways, 3 types of intercourse and anal too and what you just stood there? You tried to join in and he pushed you away? You timidly suggest he stop and he ignores you?
That must have taken a good half an hour to do all that OP and you couldn't manage to get your husband to stop?
Not that I would stupid enough to have a threesome in a relationship but I would have made them within the first minute if I didn't like what was happening, I would have dragged him off and told her to fuck off and then I would have got dressed, went home and throw everything he owns out the window. I don't know any woman who would just sit there and let her partner cheat right in front of her like that.
Sounds fake to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): Sorry you had to find out the hard way. Most threesomes are basically cheating with permission. It was a very traumatic experience for you.
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female
reader, cowgirltuff +, writes (13 September 2012):
cowgirltuff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy question is..... Do I have a right to be upset and sick feeling that he followed nothing we discussed. Safe sex,He proceed ed all penetration without one... And He pushed me away and went limp when being with me.... And me saying our safe word and had to 3 times before he stopped... And did stuff with and to her that he has never done to or with me.. Again do I have a right to be upset..
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 September 2012):
I am not sure what your question is, but having threesomes is a serious detriment to a marriage. If you wanted to include other sexual partners in your relationship, you should have stayed single.
I am not sure what to say except that you need to think about these things before you act on them. The fantasy of a threesome is completely different than the reality. Your husband agree to be intimate with a person in addition to you. That is what he did.
Now it is up to you whether you can save this marriage or not. I would suggest you get counseling, if he agrees to it, because you are both at fault here. If not, you will have to decide whether you want to try to work things out with him or move on.
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