A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Sorry for the length and thanks in advance for any help!Just putting it plainly, my mother makes me feel like I'm the worst. First off, I'll admit I'm lazy and that has caused me to be a little behind in my progression to adulthood, but that hasn't stopped me from getting a diploma and living on my own for two years while doing so on my own dime. I've never caused any issues growing up apart from your typical teenage household issues. Never had a drug/alcohol issue, I never broke or stole anything, never went out and got drunk and called her to come pick me up at 3 am on a work day. A backstory of my mom:My mother has a lot of issues... She was sexually abused as a child, has A.D.D., minor OCD and has suffered from depression up until a few years ago. She left my dad and raised me on her own since the beginning because he was an asshole narcissist who only cared about himself, so raising a kid by herself wasn't easy. That being said, I am extremely grateful for my moms sacrifice and I would never purposely put her in any kind of stressful situation or anything like that... but the problem is that every situation is a stressful situation for her, so it's hard to avoid. She refuses to take any kind of real medication to maintain her A.D.D. or OCD so her thoughts are completely scattered most times. Due to that, she constantly feels like she's under immense pressure and stress even dealing with her daily routine. Every time I even come close to suggesting that even the smallest chore isn't a big deal she explodes with a laundry list of every action associated with that chore (example: Bringing something from the car: Lock the door, go downstairs, go to the car, unlock the car, grab the stuff, lock the car, open the door, walk up the stairs... etc etc) until I concede in fear of an argument.Understandably because she is under this 'stress' she is almost completely devoid of any patience and understanding, and pretty much always has an attitude about her. Due to that and the OCD/ADD she is highly demanding in perfection when doing a chore and anything short of that will result in an earful of what you did wrong and why you shouldn't do it that way EVERY SINGLE TIME. We went to see a relational therapist a month and a half ago to try and work out our issues but after going twice she decided there was nothing wrong with her that she couldn't fix and she didn't want to go anymore, and I just ended up stopping because it was unrealistic to assume I could fix it on my own.That being said, she is completely oblivious to how her personality and problems affect others and frequently blames everybody else for conflicts or lack of resolutions. I nickname her (keep it to myself) "Ya, but (name)" because anytime she does something that might cause an argument or generally cause a problem she always starts her sentences with "Ya, but!" because there is ALWAYS an exception for her behavior... but when the shoe is on the other foot and she is on the receiving end of the exact same thing you better duck for cover because she is fuming about it and won't let it go for a long time.All of this combined reflected back to me has caused me to feel like I am completely unwanted and a total burden on her life even though I am completely self-sufficient apart from a place to sleep since I'm 19. Anytime I try to bring up how she makes me feel she always denies that she feels that way about me but just recently when I suggested I start paying half the rent as long as we treat each other like roommates instead of your typical parent "my way or the highway while you live under my roof" routine she straight up told me that if we were going to be roommates that she would leave as soon as the lease was up. Essentially telling me she can't stand living with my willingly and is only with me because she feels its her duty as a parent.I dunno, I feel like I'm a pretty likeable guy and while I'm not overly social any social interactions that Ive had with other people has always ended with a positive attitude towards me... So when your own mother makes you feel like your a drug abusing bum who robs her of her freedoms and is of no benefit to her It gets me down and I don't know how to deal with it. I am a problem solver, and I want to fix this issue or at least try to avoid it from happening.. so any kind of information of how I should go about dealing with these issues would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your replies. I appreciate them.
I think last year was the last time she had her bloodwork
done, and everything came back fine. I'm positive she is not on any prescribed medications because we are quite open with each other and I know for a fact she is very against taking any kind of doctor prescribed medication and always looks for the 'natural' way of curing whatever she has.
As for the doing things when they are most convenient as in the car situation you presented it tends to go "I forgot, I have too many things to think about to remember everything". that's the most used excuse I'd say.
As for your last question, I believe she does have a bit of a planner for important events but what she ends up doing is in between important events she tries to get done too many things, which leads to a lot of unfinished work and 'projects'. These unfinished tasks, even though they are insignificant in nature are automatically things she 'has to do' so that stresses her out. My only observation is that she lacks the ability to (and I'm assuming this is the ADD) prioritize and instead looks to complete everything instead of the most important of the day.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (14 September 2012):
When was the last time your mother had a physical with bloodwork done? A hormonal imbalance (a thyroid problem for example) can cause a person to act angry and irrational.
Are you certain she is not prescribed any stimulant medication for her ADD? Stimulant meds are known to exascerbate symptoms of OCD and can cause the patient to feel angry over little thjngs without warning.
Why doesn't she bring stuff up from the car immediately after she drives?
Why doesn't she have a notebook and day planner to write down her thoughts, her schedule, and the important things she needs to do? I have ADHD and other issues. A notebook and a day planner have drastically improved my quality of life. By writing things down and scratching them off once done, i ensure that I complete the tasks that I need to finish. Because i'm not forgetting to do important things, i'm much less stressed out and anxious...unless i lose one of these items...then i might freak out a bit.
She needs to figure out what will work for her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Honestly, I think you need to focus on moving out.
You can't "fix" your mom. And certainly not if she can't see that she has a problem. And I'm sorry she is the way she is, I seriously doubt the ODC. ADD is the root cause though. More likely it's from the trauma of sexual abuse. (not that it is an excuse just and explanation) She might not even be aware of it. Childhood sexual abuse stays with people their whole life, so her having OCD could also stem from there.
You know you are not a worthless bum, so you need to learn to take what you mom says with a grain of salt.
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