A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My husband has an old friend back from his university days. Recently with the Covid restrictions lifting, we have gone to breakfast with him. The first time, he was on his own and the second he brought his wife.I have found to not have much in common with them. They are both nice enough people. They are both educators and talk too much and like the sound of their own voice. When I try to speak and get a word in, they listen and quickly change the subject. It is like all they care to talk about is what interests them and they both take center stage, trading off with each other on who speaks when, while my husband and I must be a captive audience (we are not their students or in their class). They meet with a lot of people and like to network a lot. So, obviously they are a well oiled machine and are used to audiences because they both have a teaching background. Hubby and I are just happy to get out and see people again but it is one sided without a doubt. I really don't enjoy sitting there and watching the Tom and Tammy show to be quite honest. I try to say things to find common ground but they barely acknowledge what I say and quickly switch subjects to SHOW OFF how much they know and how great they are. They are both university educated and seem to be over achievers and have no children. My son has special needs and although I am university educated, I don't feel myself relating to them. My husband and this guy go back 40 years. I have told him I don't feel like I have a lot in common with them and frankly I feel conversations should be reciprocal. I don't really feel the need to get together with them again as I did not enjoy their company. They talked AT us and not with us. They are decent people. But they are not the types of people I would be friends with. How can we handle this? They are already asking us to get together again. The first time, it was the Tom show. He actually talked for almost 4 hours while we listened! We were thinking it might be better with his wife there but it was more of the SAME with BOTH of them talking non stop. Tell me, am I being too harsh on them? Am I wrong? I don't want to socialize with them from this point on. My husband and this guy are friends though. Not good friends but they do go way back. Don't want to offend anyone. Any advice on what to do? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2021): I am a university lecturer teaching in various capacities. One of my key roles is to teach lecturers (!) I am part of a team that helps tutors in their professional development as tutors; our tutor-students spend the best part of a year undertaking a part-time post-graduate qualification alongside their teaching. We all work in a very well known university, providing world-class teaching. What you describe is something that we would help tutors to tackle and overcome very quickly. It's a habit developed out of an older style of teaching referred to as 'banking' and sometimes as 'transmission'; tutors store up knowledges like you would store up funs in a bank account and then their task is to transfer (or transmit) that knowledge to students. This is VERY common in older tutors, and it has its roots in a very inflexible type of university system, where lecturers had to prove their expertise and, within that, often were left with a very deeply ingrained sense of having to continually 'provide' knowledges to their students or they would risk a 'loss of face' and possibly a loss of job. Nowadays, we encourage a combination of different teaching styles, in which tutors and students are equal, and tutors learn to co-opt and include students as co-tutors in the shared space of the classroom. It can be very, very easy to fall into the trap of judging people who talk compulsively and seem to have a compulsion to 'educate' in this way. It can be off-putting for obvious reasons. Usually though, if you scratch under the surface, you will find they feel a very intense pressure to 'provide', to 'keep up to speed' and that they are actually quite exhausted and simply don't have the skills needed to 'share' conversation. IF - and only if - you can be bothered to educate these people (!) rather than only react to them and only judge them, I would suggest you organise an event which would basically mimic one of the tasks we do during their training. This should be a timed task, but you could turn it into a game with other friends invited, in which you each take five minutes to 'present' something - an idea, a thought, how to make something etc. - and then the others give five minutes to feedback what they thought of it. If you are leading the 'game', you can make rules that no-one can hog the air-space, everyone must have equal time for both presenting and for feeding back and everyone must respect everyone's ideas and thoughts and create a welcoming space. Each and every time they do anything remotely inclusive or kind towards anyone else, reward them as much as you can by saying "Oh, Jack and Jackie, what a lovely way to make Rosie feel included and equal, well done".After you have played the game, it will be easier, next time you meet, to refer back to this if they talk too much. Works better if you have a simple gesture involved like each person must raise their hand before speaking. Carry this through to your social occasions if and when you decide to meet them without others present, simply raising your hand to indicate it is your turn to speak.On the other hand, it's really NOT your job to do any of this, so don't if you don't want to - but it would be the kind thing to do, rather than falling into the trap of judging them; they are probably far more insecure and lonely than they seem and are probably trying really, really hard to impress you because they fear your judgement.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 They sound ill mannered and uncouth with very poor social skills. Someone with good social skills will go out of their way to make sure everyone feels included in the conversation, not just rattle on about themselves. Sadly there appear to be more and more self centered people like your husband's friends around these days, who don't care about anyone having a good time but themselves.
I have the same problem with my partner's long-standing group of friends. After making a few attempts at fitting in with them, I just told him, after a particularly mind-numbingly boring evening, where I don't think I got a word in that wasn't "please" or "thank you", that I was not prepared to put myself through such pointless tedium again. A night out should be a pleasure, something to look forward to, not something to dread.
In your shoes I would let your husband meet up with his friend (and his wife if he wishes) but just decline the invitations yourself. Life's too short to waste on people like that. I know I am a lot happier since deciding I was not going to accept any invitations from my partner's friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): Boy, can I relate to this! My deceased-partner was heavily involved in politics; and sat on a couple of boards and commissions. We frequently invited elected-officials to dinner and cocktail parties at our home. Often we attended political fund-raisers, where well-healed people talk-down to you; if you're not on some kind of committee, or they don't recognize your face.
How many times have I sat at my own dinner table; while I had to listen to these blowhards pontificate and make lofty speeches. Deferring the floor only to those who had some political-title, or a seat on a board. All the rest of us were privileged to be in their grand presence. Sometimes I blatantly interrupted, and suggested we talk about things other than politics; and be more inclusive of our guests who were there to have jovial conversation, and to enjoy their food and drinks! I've even had to cut them off to remind them there are less "extroverted-guests;" who would like to participate in the conversation. Let's hear everyone's opinion! Sometimes, my dear, only the direct approach applies! Not everyone is as assertive as this; but nor was I, until I got fed-up!!! My partner teased me, and said it was about time! It was exactly what he hoped I'd do! He had no problem cutting into conversations, or taking the floor. He was a lawyer...I'm not! I'm over my wallflower-days! Feeling like I was part of a studio audience, or in somebody's fan-club. As if I had to applaud, or hang on their every little word! I've got something to say too! I also like to hear what others want to say...not just the popular folks! I know when to shut-up and listen; but I will also be heard!
I don't see any reason why you should feel compelled to accept their every invitation; or not to politely decline the invitation altogether. You don't have to subject yourself to their discourtesy and snobbishness.
Those types of people are cliquish and self-important. If and when you do decide to accept an invitation; if it happens again, try to speak the moment they stop to take a breath. Ask if you may interject something into the conversation? Pause in silence a moment, that demands their attention, then speak. If they condescend to you by changing the subject; or yield to you, as if you were a child begging for attention. The best thing to do is abruptly call it a day or evening; and make it a short visit. Go home early. If they're as smart as they think they are, they'll get the hint. Don't behave rudely, just take as much as you can stand...then leave! That's what I'd do! Never include them on your guest-list when you entertain. If you're sitting-down to dinner, you'll have to quietly await the food. Enjoy your meal, and let them chatter. Say very little, just let them talk. Pay your check, and leave. The silence is deafening. It lets them know you're not having a good-time; and they'll realize they're monopolizing the conversation, and you're purposely not offering them your presence of mind. If you decline their invitations, none of this is necessary.
There is no need to reciprocate by offering invitations to people who show you no respect. They just like having listeners and people to look-down on. They're not your friends; so you don't have to hangout together.
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A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 " I don't really feel the need to get together with them again as I did not enjoy their company." Then don't, this isn't paying taxes, it's not mandatory. Make up some excuse next time and don't go. My patner has friends I have nothing in commmon, so I just set myself up to do something else at the same time so I'm busy ( if they come over to our house).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 July 2021):
 Maybe your husband can just go hang out with HIS friend by himself?
You will "unfortunately" be too busy that day!
And I'd make sure YOUR hubby knows to NOT pass on to his friend that you just didn't dig the "Tom and Tammy show" nor the " Tom show". BUT that you understand these two men go back a long time and that your husband should still go hang out with his friend if he wants to.
By the way, I laughed out loud at the " Tom & Tammy show" because I have met a few couples JUST like this. There is nothing worse than having to sit through a dinner being talked AT by someone who thinks they are "superior". Or worse, think they are witty and charming when they are really just cringe.
You don't have to FAKE being friends with someone you just don't feel you click with.
My husband has a friend who he sees maybe 4 times a year and chat with on FB etc. I went last time as he brought his wife and it was awkward. I'm not the best in social situations with people I don't know. But she was just... embarrassing. She got plastered in no time 6 (or 6) LARGE Margahrittas before and during dinner and just said the crudest stuff. Kept telling me I should drink so I too could have fun. As the Aussies say it:" Yeah Nah"...
(It means they're acknowledging you've spoken (Yeah,) but disagree with what you've said (nah).
The worst part was her kept saying "we must do this again"! And I just smiled and kicked my husband under the table lol. He still has an occasional dinner with this guy but I have been SOOO busy that I can't make it. .
Let the "guys" hang out. If your husband enjoys the " Tom show" that is fine, Tim is HIS friend.
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