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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys, rights now I am just hurting for my eldest son. He just turned 12 and he has great resentment towards his father. My husband's father was never in his life until he was an adult. I believe it was when he turned 42 years old is when they started talking more often. Now, my son is lacking a relationship with his father. In church, my other son's godfather would hug them up, kiss them and ask them how are they going whenever he saw them. When I told my husband about that, he said men don't do that. So he's basically teaching my son, it's not ok to show affection after a certain age. He still hugs and kisses our 5 year old and 7 year old. But not the eldest. He used to when he was younger. Additionally, my husband has been really hostile and arrogant. Things are hard in our country because of COVID, we have our food business and it has been shut down for months. They only opened back this week and it's like he is frustrated and his arrogance increased. Any interaction he has with our eldest as of late, he shouts at him. He says, these are boys that you are dealing with so you have to let them know who is in charge otherwise when they get older they will walk all over you. I am a woman, I can't teach my son how to be a man. I spoke to my dad, and asked him, if he can be more involved in my son's life. He is lacking fatherly love. My parents both showed me love growing up and used to hug me every day. I tried to speak with my husband about how he moves with our son, he just shouted at me that he wants no speech. I always wanted to give my children to grow up with both mom and dad, but my husband's negligence towards my child is very concerning to me. Before you say, he was always like that, no, he wasn't. He had his flaws, but he never shouted at me or showed me hostility before we got married. If we argued, he was the one who used to be calling several times to apologize. Now, that has changed. Maybe we have grown apart or he is just too comfortable. But where my son is concerned, I feel like my children shouldn't grow up in a home where their father is so arrogant. Should we seek counselling or do I just give up and leave? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): It's difficult to advise and offer opinion when we have no idea what country you're from; or what your culture and its traditions are. It's hard for westerners to tell people from certain regions of Europe, Asia, the Middle East, Africa, or of certain religions; how they should handle certain family-matters. We have to be careful when we give our opinion on how men should treat women, and how women should stand-up to oppression and persecution; when it's sanctioned by their society, tradition, or religion.
In all cultures, boys are raised differently from girls. Sometimes our dads feel there's a time he has to toughen us up as males. I cant think of any reason to withhold affection. How are you to know he loves you without affection, or being told so? My father never did that; but he did stress we had to behave "like guys." Having a dad who hugged and kissed us all, regardless of our age; I don't see where it changed how we grew-up to be men. Coddling girls or boys too much will spoil them; but refusing to show them affection as children, only seems cruel and heartless to me. Boys with stern fathers who show no affection may still love each-other; but the majority might resent them as your son does. Depending on how regimental and strict he is on the boy. Others will hate their father's guts; and may eventually grow-up to physically challenge them. Being mean to your son might make him tough, but can also falter a terrible future father and husband. Creating many emotional and psychological-issues that make him violent and full of rage. Many become criminals, and abusive. A menace to society. It's almost better to have no dad, than a mean one!!!
As far as how the covid pandemic effects people, it seems universal how many men have exhibited more aggressive behavior; or have grown shorter tempers, after being shut-in under covid shutdown. It's was almost prisonlike for some, I guess. It's inexplicable, because the majority of men don't act-out in anger and aggression; according to the studies and statistics thus far.
Just certain personality-types, or those predisposed to too much stress; and men having existing (or not yet diagnosed) social, psychological, or emotional-disorders. They may seem to show a drastic change leaning toward almost intolerable behavior.
I guess it depends on how bad it gets, that will determine what measures you should pursue; provided your culture is one that isn't "patriarchal." Which almost negates or neutralizes your concerns as a wife, mother, and a woman.
There may be times when you'll have to compensate for his lack of affection; and remind your son, that in spite of his actions, his father truly loves him. Explain that his own father was that way; and you will not allow him do his son harm under any circumstances.
Defer to your father as you always have. He is your support-system. He is your role-model as a parent and father. Your husband has authority under his own roof; so that limits how much advice or interference he'll take from your father, of course.
Most mothers don't like when dads take a tough approach towards their boys. In some instances, that's strictly a dad-thing. Then in others, it stems from the lack of having a decent father-figure to set the example of how a real-dad treats his family...be it his wife, or his children.
If his behavior is uncharacteristic, and getting progressively worse; then it may come to a point he needs to seek personal counseling and therapy. Good luck convincing him of that! You might even need to seek family-counseling in protection of your son, and his siblings. You don't mention that he physically abuses the boy; but persistent shouting and manhandling is abuse. I do want to remind you that if your son enlists into military service; he will receive that kind of treatment in basic-training. Private military academies are the same. Females have to undergo the same kind of discipline and regimental practicum. It's very tough treatment; but there are some restraints that will not tolerate hazing, mental-torture, and assault from their trainers.
When you have difficulty asserting your authority and equality as his wife, and mother of his children; then go to your father, and ask him to intervene to talk to your husband. Expect your husband to get angry; but remind him that you are the child's mother. You have no choice when he doesn't listen to you, and you are forced to protect your son from his overly-aggressive approach to rearing his son. There is a limit! You want your son to grow-up to be a man as much as he does; but you also want him to be a good husband and father. You also care about his emotional-wellbeing and mental-health. You know abuse when you see it!!!
If he's always going to make life difficult for your son; he is forcing you to take a stance, whether he likes it or not. He's not just his son, he's yours too!
Then again, you also have to yield, and not interfere where you're not certain; because your first instinct is to baby and coddle him when he's a little too old for it. We have to give his dad some benefit of the doubt. Mothers are over-protective by nature, and don't always fully understand how fathers relate to their sons. Seeing everything he does as mean or too tough. All dads are not alike; but no dad should withhold showing his children, or their mother, his affection.
There has to be a balance of father and mother parenting and nurturing of a male-child. The boy has to face his male-peers, be challenged by other boys, face-off with bullies, and learn to defend himself in sticky situations. It's a matter of survival. Males gain respect from other males by exhibiting strength and courage. Having control over how we display our emotions publicly. Our dads are concerned about their sons under these circumstances. Yet and still, withholding affection; and being unnecessarily aggressive towards your son, won't make him a man, or keep him from being gay. Being gay is the greatest of fears, I suppose!!! Affection from your dad won't make you gay, the lack thereof might! It may for certain make him unnecessarily aggressive, resentful, a bully; and he may grow-up to knock your lights out! I've witnessed that too! You can take only so much!
You'll reap what you sow. If you don't know what you're doing, and your parenting-skills are infected by emotional-instability and your own psychological-issues from your own childhood; you will only confuse and destroy your relationship with your son. His stubbornness and cruelty will only have ill-effect. Estrangement of his son will be his final reward. Is it better to have a son who loves you, or one that hates you? Your decision of what to do will hinder on how bad you think things are getting.
A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 "I am a woman, I can't teach my son how to be a man" You can teach him how to be a decent human being though, teaching compassion, kindness, generosity, how to be affectionate, those are all universal things that every human being should be taugh. My father was a workaholic who never hugged us, read us bedtime stories or did anything together with us, he always told us he loved us though but he was tired. He grew up in a very abusive household and his mother never showed him any love, so I kind of understand, he can't give love/ be affectionate to others because he was never given any love. How you treat your son now will reverberate throughout his life and in his relationships with his wife and children, so continue to show him love, be affectionate and tell him that showing emotions if fine, we're humans not robbots.
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