| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Is it normal for your husband to compliment another woman in front of you? For example, yesterday he told this acquaintance of ours in my presence that she looks like she is in good shape after we ran into her and her husband at the mall. I have put on a little weight due to the pandemic with everything being shut down. I used to work out like crazy and was in top shape. But not now. The fact he did this knowing I feel insecure about my body rubbed me the wrong way. I got upset at him. Do you think I am being too hard on him for doing that?
View related questions:
insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): Hi Female Anon,
My husband has a big gut. He used to be a fitness instructor. FYI... And he does seem to have different standards for women. He once said women are not allowed to gain weight but men can get away with it...
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 July 2021):
 I think he could have left it at 'you look great'. Adding that she was in great shape was a bit forward, regardless of whether or not you had gained weight.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2021): I agree with WiseOwlE and, to an extent, HoneyPie. I don't think it is appropriate for ANY man except perhaps a personal trainer of the woman in question, or a very close relative, or perhaps a caring male neighbour or suchlike if she is very old and frail and has been concerned about her health, to comment in any way on any woman's "shape". This is whether he finds it good, bad, great, dire, excellent, unusual or anything else. Commenting on a woman's appearance in any case autmatically implies that only her appearance is what is important. To comment on a woman's appearance and not comment on the man's beside her is weird and rude to everyone involved. WiseOwlE is right, he could have at least said "You both look really great" or something similar. Anyway, you yourself are making a mistake to hold yourself to account according to the standards set by your highly insensitive and possibly unintelligent other half; perhaps you used to work out like crazy because you felt you had to please his limited idea of what a woman should be. You seem to still be trapped in his expectations that women conform to a shape that he finds acceptable, and are currently finding yourself failing. I'd suggest simply focus on your health and fitness with a view to this giving you pleasure and helping you to feel great about yourself. Forget entirely about pleasing him, he sounds like a creepy old man to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2021): It's a bit strange but sometimes people get a bit awkward in conversation and words just come out without them thinking. He was probably just trying to be polite and friendly and wasnt thinking clearly. I think the bigger issue is your lack of self confidence. Pretty much everyone has piled on the pounds during lockdown, myself included. Focus on yourself and your own health and self esteem and dont worry too much if your other half occasionally says something a bit daft in conversation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): First, I'll acknowledge the fact that you had every right to feel whichever way that made you feel. You did not like it, you felt uncomfortable.
I am however not so much into blanket one-size-fits-all statements. Had you been super fit, and had he used the exact same words, only to stop short of explicitly adding "... but my wife is in even better shape", how would you have felt?
Many a woman are, have been, will be in your exact same shoes who are perfectly fine with when their husbands used the exact same word as yours did, being out of shape notwithstanding.
If you used to work out like crazy and were in top shape, that's great. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, think of something, and do! something to keep that lockdown from telling you who you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 I think your issue here is not that he complimented someone else but that you feel insecure about your own body at the moment so you see him complimenting someone else as having a dig at you. Unless your husband is particularly crass and has a history of sadistically trying to make you feel insecure about your looks, I doubt this was actually the case. He is not responsible for how you feel about yourself; that is all down to you.
If you feel so insecure, get back into getting fit. It's a shame you only seem to value yourself according to how physically fit you are. Is this really all you think you have to offer your husband?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): I would feel annoyed by this as well and have experienced the same from a man who it turned out, did this type of thing to make me feel insecure. It could just be however, that your husband just noticed she looked good and it just slipped out.I started putting weight on in the first couple of months of the lockdown and then decided that that wasn't going to happen. I don't go to the gym to try to regulate my weight, I always lose weight by eating less. I used to dance a lot before lockdown, but I didn't allow the fact that that had shut down to stop me from losing weight. I lost a stone in six months and love being able to get into clothes I haven't fitted into for a while. My point is that maybe you feel sensitive about this because you don't look as trim as you did and therefore it got to you. If you feel great about yourself, then what others say won't matter so much. Try not to use the excuse that the gym was closed as to why you have put on weight. Lose the weight again, look great and chat a bloke up in front of your husband, because yes, I think he did it to make you aware of your weight gain. I can't help wondering, is your husband all that himself, or does he just expect you to be?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): I really think it was uncalled for and quite insensitive. Practically everyone I know put-on a few extra pounds, or got a little pudgy during covid shutdown (and winter). Myself included! We also have to account for how our metabolism slows-down with age. Women more so, maybe due to water-retention during periods, and other natural reasons. BTW, I workout too!
If you don't compliment your own woman, why would you compliment some other guy's wife??? Seems kinda stupid to me!!! There's nothing wrong with saying something vague; like saying "you look lovely tonight," which is nonspecific and polite. It would be even better to just say "you both look great!" That's more respectable and inclusive.
Sweetheart, please don't take it too much to heart. Sometimes we men don't mean to be stupid, but it happens. I don't think it's appropriate to be blatantly complimentary of other women when you're with your wife, or girlfriend; because it's akin to flirting. I don't blame a woman when she's put-off by it. With the exclusion of those who are prone to envy, overreact, and just go crazy if a guy so much as look in the direction of another woman! That's not remotely the case here!
I know for a fact, most guys don't like other guys making it apparent he's checking-out your wife; while he's standing right there! Meanwhile, your wife (or girlfriend) is embarrassed and feeling she's being compared on the spot! Men...guys...YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT!!! Then you wonder why sex gets so scarce?!!
It's past now, so I hope you're able to shake it off; even though I can imagine how it must sting. You're not being too hard on him; you're reacting to a blow to your self-esteem, and it's comparable to an insult. He knows you've gained, yet he's telling someone else how fit she is. Come-on man!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): Are you being too hard on him? Yes. Did you not think maybe he was just trying to be nice to someone? It's not a crime to pay someone a compliment. You just sound unbelievably paranoid. To be blunt; Get over it.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 July 2021):
 I don't know how long he has known her, or the kind of relationship he has with her, but i think to comment on how good she looks in front of you and her husband is a rather strange comment to make, it almost feels like it was more like a dig at you.
Does he often comment on how good you look?. Does he ever say or comment on you and say look nice in what your wearing?.
If he does not then it makes the comment to her even more inappropriate. I wonder what her husband thought about it.
Not that you would, but how would your husband feel if you commented on her husband and told him he was looking good in front of everyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 July 2021):
 I think it was rude and stupid of him and I would "presume" it was more of a dig at you... than a compliment to her.
But
I don't know him. So it would be speculation only.
As for compliments, I don't think it's an inappropriate compliment per se. Meeting someone who is a good friend who has worked hard to get fit, and then giving them a compliment on how fit they look seems kinda OK.
If he did it to point out to you that you gained weight or to make you feel bad, it's absolutely inappropriate.
If he DIDN'T do it to make YOU feel bad, he is an idiot.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2021): Yes,you are,no doubt about that.Your husband did not compliment that lady in order to take a cheap shot at you , but because he felt like saying something nice and/or wanted to be polite .He was not even flirting ;her husband was present. It's not your husband's fault if you gained weight and now you are unhappy with how you look. If it bothers you so much, then start dieting and working out,and fix the problem.Or, even better, decide that you do not have to look perfect to be loved,and decide consciously that a little weight gain is something that it's noy worthy worrimh about.
...............................
|
