A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am hoping someone can give me some advice as I am so confused and don't know what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We got off to a pretty rocky start as he still had connections with his ex and I found out about 4 months into our relationship that he had still been seeing her and had been sleeping with her behind my back. It was a tough time but we got through it and I forgave him and rebuilt my trust in him and there have been no problems since - until last week! I found out that he had been on an internet dating site and met up with another woman. They met for a drink in the afternoon and he was supposed to go to hers later that evening but never went. I confronted him and he said that he had seen the error of his ways, that it made him apreciate what he had, that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I have since found out that after this meeting (but before I found out) he had been back on the internet and arranged to meet someone else, however he had been cought out by then and I made him delete his account and the meeting never happened. If the first meeting had made him realise that he was doing wrong and it was me he wanted why would he arrange another with a different woman? He describes it as he has these demons in his head that always seems to think "the grass in greener on the other side" and while I was away last week he let them get the better of him. I am confident that he never slept with anyone else. I love him and would like our relationship to work but how can I trust him if he is up to no good the second I am not around?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I just want to say a big thanks to all who have taken the time to respond to my question, I never thought I would get any responses - let alone 8!! You all make perfect sense and have made things sound so simple. You have confirmed what my head was telling me and, even though it will be painful I know now what I have to do. I guess accepting that things are the way they are and that he is unlikely to change is just something I have to do. I can't spend the rest of my life hoping that he means it this time and that he will actually stop acting in this unfaithful way. What makes it hardest is that, in every other way we are a perfect match but then what is a relationship without trust? You have made me realise that I deserve more than this and he is just not the sort of guy that can give me what I deserve! I just need to find the courage within myself to carry this through now... It's so hard to do something that you know is going to cause you so much pain - I will just hang on to the knowledge that, no matter how hard it is at the moment, it will get better and in the long run I will be happier for it!Thank you so much for your kind words and advise - It's made me realise there are good people out there who have thoughts and considerations for other people and not just themselves!Thanks xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I'm so sorry you are going thru this. But it is so clear that he's up to no good. He has had more than one opportunity to change and honestly he has taken it for granted. He has taken you for granted.
I'm not sure if there are children involve but if not let it go. Trust me you would look back and be so happy. trust me.
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A
male
reader, Paladin  +, writes (13 March 2008):
 This is not a question of how can you trust him - you can't and deep down you know you can't. What happened with his ex-wife is not all that uncommon even though I disgree with it. To have these other things happen is proof positive he is a cheater and will probably always be one. If you can live with that so be it but if you can't you need to move on. You seem like a very thoughtful and sensitive person and guys like seem to take advantage of it. If you are not totally convinced you are receiving all the love, affection and respect you deserve then you should move on and let some other guy be the lucky recipient of a quality person like you.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (12 March 2008):
 I do not think he would have stopped seeing woman on the net if you had not caught him. In fact, if you let your guard down I wouldn't put it past him to be right back there.
He has proven to you in the first 4 months of your relationship that he has the capability of being unfaithful. You get that resolved-and it was a pretty big divot in the foundation of your relationship-and now he's cheating again.
Ok, so you deal with the cheating but the biggest red flag for me is the fact that he is thinking the grass is greener somewhere beyond you. To me this speaks volumes of the committment he has with you. Where are you guys going with this relationship in the future? Do you want to marry him, does he want to marry you or is he not the marrying kind?
I would seriously think about not whether or not you can trust him but whether or not you want to. It is your choice.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (12 March 2008):
 A relationship works if there are two people working at it. I see only one....it's time to find someone else. I say if he wants to look at the other side of the grass, let him by breaking up with him.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Hi
So lets get this straight, he met up with a girl off the net, but she wasn't as hot as he thought origionally. So told you it was because he came to his senses. So he thought second time lucky, the next one might be alright, tried again, but got found out, which stopped him in his tracks?
Hmmmmm ....
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Oh Honey, it is hard to go through this especially when you are so confused.
Unfortunately I think he is deliberately trying to confuse you to a certain extent. You have already been aware of his indiscretions, he has told you he thinks he may have a problem, but has not decided what to do about it other than offer that he is a good guy now and has seen the error of his ways, then starts again!
Firstly, this type of situation and relationship is simply distructive and hurtful to YOU. So, you need to start to become more informed, wiser and not so gullible. I am not meaning this in a crital way, but it is much easier sometimes to look from the outside in and see whats best for us, rather than being tossed and turned by someone we can't or don't trust. So take yourself out of the relationship mentally and take some closer looks to see if he is the man for you, or could be.
Pretty much what he has said and showed you - is that he is an unfaithful partner. Fact. So what do you want to do about that? Talk to him about what grass he is after and why he feels things are more interesting outside of your relationship. He is clearly looking for something, it is not always about replacing you, but perhaps about other areas of his life which he is not coping with. All sorts of reasons for this behavior, and, if this relationship is going to be healthy happy and stable, you need to sort this out once and for all. There is no excuse or reason for this to be part of your relationship.!
He is making some very poor choices on how he is caring for your partnership. He needs a wake up call that you will not tolerate and of this AT ALL, and what is he going to do about it!
Keep in touch and keep searching for the answers you need to make some decision about this guy, who may just not be the one for you. All the best and take care.
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A
female
reader, kellz7 +, writes (12 March 2008):
I would dump him he will keep doing this to you and its not worth the heartache! It might make him realise what hes lost and if you take him back and he does it again which i think he will it proves he deff cant be trusted!! Once you lose the trust in a relationship thats it you will just be paranoid all the time and it will get worse!
The internet has made it easier for men to cheat dating sites, facebook, myspace they are all the same i know loads of people who have caught their now ex boyfriends out on these things!
Hope things work out for you x
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