A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi just a quick one. Ive recently started seeing one of my ex's again and although we get on like a house on fire theres a spark missing when it comes to sex. We slept together before we broke up (nearly 2 years ago) but haven't this time round sex was never very good (he has an in, out, in, out action and im not completely comfortable on top) and as im not very experienced i don't yet know what it is i enjoy or how to guide him towards that, equally i really want to blow his mind when we are having sex.Ive tried using a vibrator but agian i don't really know what to do as nothing seems to 'drive me crazy' -could i just have a very low sex drive?Have you got any ideas as to how to over come this without making sex boring or overly complicated.Also i want us (both) to make more noise during sex but without it being fake will this come with good sex?Thank you for any advise offered!xoxo
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 June 2007):
 To be perfectly honest you have said you have had dry sex (with clothes on right now), so where is the real foreplay here.
True foreplay is actually touching one another and kissing softly all over the body, kissing on the stomach, chest, arms, legs, face, ears, eyes etc etc and also the genital areas on each other, softly and slowly and if there is a dryness for you and you are not moist in the vagina when it comes to sex then use some lubrication jelly such as KY or something.
I think rushing anything is just going to make yourselves more tense and right now I think you are thinking too much about the actual act and not enjoying the build up to it.
Have you tried a calming spray before even spending time with one another, a natural one called Bach flower remedy where you spray it on your tongue can calm you right down as I think you are getting yourself worked up about this too much.
You have great chemistry and that is important.
Don't stick to routine, try going to different places and different venues and it will come with time.
One of the other aunts/uncles mentioned trust and that is so important to be able to trust your partner as your friend and someone who is not going to hurt you in any way, that goes for emotionally as well as physically so give yourself time.
If you don't feel right about it at the moment then don't pressure yourself and do talk to your sort of bf that isn't quite yet. Tell him you feel conscious about sex at the moment as it has been some time since you were last together and you want it to be perfect when it happens.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, just wanted to say thank you for taking the time out to answer my question. In responce to some of the things you've mentioned - i have been single and loved it but even then i wasn't really interested in sleeping around although i did sleep with a couple of guys, to be honest i haven't yet asked Mr X if he has or not.
Mr X makes me laugh and smile and whenever im with him im so comfortable about being myself and letting go and i genuinly imagine the sex between us to be sooo good cause we both 'talk the talk' but for some reason where just not getting it were it counts. Like i said in my original question we haven't yet slept together since kinda getting back together although we have had 'dry sex' with our clothes still on and i was sooo turned on and horny but it just felt so structured - kinda like i'l do this and then you do that and im worried incase we just can't get it cause were both still young (19 & 24) and pretty inexperienced and i really want us to work - so much! Country Woman you mention foreplay but even that isn't enjoyable and again i don't know what i want him to do, how do i learn about what i enjoy and what i don't?
Quick mention to mooncare - how do i have a converstaion like that withour making him feel like he can't do it right and i can't direct him. What do i say!
Really sorry for the essay!!!!
Thank you all so much - no doubt i'll be back with more worries soon enough! lol
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 June 2007):
The only thing I can say as I am not someone who has slept with loads of guys in my life but I do think that foreplay is always a good way in which to get the sexual juices flowing so to speak.
Did you ever dress up in sexy underwear and fool around at all before sex?
Did you have romantic music playing in the room?
Just kissing the key points on the body can drive someone crazy, perhaps getting him to kiss you around the neck and all over your body could make you aroused.
Tell him you want to savour the moment and so enjoy the act of sex.
Don't always let him lead you by the fact of quick in and out and that's it. Yes I would be bored too if that was the type of sex life I was getting.
Have you ever tried having sex in different places other than the bedroom, outside in a field or car or something, change the location and the way in which you do it when it comes to the time of actually having sex again with him.
Have either one of you had many sexual partners since you split up 2 years ago? You could find that the sex will change between you as you have both had different experiences since you split.
Just don't get yourself too stressed about it and let it happen naturally, don't stage it like 8pm on Friday night is the time you are going to have sex. Just go with the flow.
Perhaps booking a weekend away to a romantic hotel with all the trimmings will make it extra special.
Hope some of the above helps in some small way.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (26 June 2007):
That Missing Spark In Your Sex-Life Gee! I'm almost 80,years young. And I'm still looking for that sexual Spark. I don't think that I will ever find it either, because it takes an open, two-way-communication- between two people both in or out of the bedroom. We don't ask for what we want sexually from each other. So we often find it in another's arms. Me I do oral,but she don't,but as I see it that's her right to refuse. But then Love isn't always getting one's way in or out of the bed. However in your case. I would get some good books, and share them together. We need to grow in our relationship, and also in our Sexual-Togetherness You have to work for the improvement of your togetherness. And the improvement of your sexual- togrtherness will also takes lots of work.
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A
female
reader, mooncare +, writes (26 June 2007):
Right. By the sounds of it, you two having sex sounds almost laboratory...no spark...he's just in and out and in and out...and you don't feel comfortable and confident enough to have some experimenting going on. However it looks like you have a real spark going on outside the bedroom. To be honest-i have never really felt comfortable on top either-I always thought I'm not good enough and then with that on my mind I just didn't enjoy it. Have you ever dared looking into your partners eyes during sex?It creates a seriously beautiful intimacy. Stroking the back of his head gently, kissing him, telling him how much you love him...this makes it intimate and takes the whole 'in-out'-procedure away from what is meant to be a very personal experience between you two. Sex doesn't always work amazingly straight away. Time makes it get better and better. It's trust that needs to develop for you to be absolutely free to do whatever to him.And if you don't quite know what works for you yet, work on that one first.Maybe try to have really slow sex where you're really gentle with each other and don't rush anything. Just give yourselves time. Also, I think he needs to know how you're feelings about having sex with him. Talking about what he likes and what you might like to try can be a real turn-on...especially when he doesn't expect it. When you talk to him make sure the outcome is him feeling challenged and motivated to please you and not him feeling like he's failed.I reckon even talking to him will make you feel so much more secure already that the rest will come itself. I wouldn't put yourself under any pressure. Obviously you two are having some chemistry going on already-just let nature take control.
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A
female
reader, FoxyR  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 hi
what i really think that you should do is to talk to your boyfriend he might fell the same way.
if you can't do that, then i think that you should go single for a while, see what's about maybe it's not you just the situation your in.
go single for a while and relax then when your ready find someone new, someone that you don't "get on like a house on fire".
and maybe you might ebjoy him.
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