A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I'm really annoyed about something and I can appreciate there are more important things to worry about but I do feel I've been taken for a fool.My fiance and I got married 2 months ago and because we already live together and have household items, in our invites we asked our guests if they wished to give us something then we'd appreciate money to put towards our honeymoon. All of our guests did this with the exception of a married couple who are also close friends of ours- they decided to give us a set of champagne flutes. Don't get me wrong it's a nice gift but we already have another set of flutes.Anyway, the other day I got them out of the box and found a card in there, addressed to them saying "happy 1 year anniversary, now you will always have a reason to buy champagne" This was clearly a gift they were given and didn't want!!The reason why I'm upset is because when they got married almost 3 years ago not only did they have an expensive wedding list (we spent over £110 on their wedding gift) but we also had to stay over 2 nights in a hotel as they got married in another city- 6 hours away- costing us a huge amount in a hotel room and fuel!We decided not to mention that we know it was a recycled gift - my husband didn't want to upset them!Also I want to clarify that they do have money so it's not a case that they couldn't afford to gives us money for the honeymoon.I'm not sure why they did this as we have known them for over 10 years and always go out together. Would any of you mention this to them? Also we are due to have dinner with them Friday night but I don't know if I can be bothered to spend time with them now.
View related questions:
anniversary, fiance, money, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I'm thinking that the two etiquette disasters may cancel each other out. Yours was asking for cash in your invitation. Theirs was regifting without making sure the box had been cleared of the gift card.
I expect the conversation around their place may have had your ears burning.
If you don't feel close to them any longer, then by all means, don't spend time with them.
If you want to salvage a friendship, then choose to do that very difficult thing of letting it go.
I'm guessing that the former is more likely in this case. You are counting things out in the "paid" and "received" columns, and their account will be found "payment due" and "in arrears."
I expect there is more to this couples' breakup than the wedding gifts; this has likely been building for a while.
So you had a lot of answers here, many aunts took the time to write to you. Do you owe them a followup, as you feel the other couple owes you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): Gift giving is a strange thing and I have just had someone try and tell me that my 'token gift' was not enough for someone and suggested what else i should give with it. Needless to say I felt very insulted because it was all I could afford. Under no circumsance will I add extra to my gift. People are so bloody greedy and making ridiculous requests. Tick boxs and cold cash is not how i like to give or recieve gifts. The gift you were given was probably a reflection of what you are all like s a group of friends anyway.Gone are the day's when friends were invited to weddings with or without gifts, because they were friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): CindyCares is right about the habits of rich people. Some (not close) friends of mine live down the road from me, but they own several other properties between them which they rent out to tenants and they don't personally work, have a nanny for their child etc. The other day I bumped into the husband in the morning. His plan for the whole day? He intended to take a leisurely walk the two or three miles to a discount store to buy a couple of bottles of their own brand Gin because, he said - and he will know ALL about expensive wines and liquors - that their very cheap Gin was actually excellent, delicious and about one quarter of the price of what he usually pays for a dearer brand through a specialist liquor store. That was his whole day, summed up. The guy could have driven to the best store in the city in a chauffeured limosine and bought crates of the best Gin in the world. But this was his choice - he wanted a simple life where he felt he was making a wise decision and no-one would be exploiting him. The fact that he has numerous tenants working their backsides off to pay rent to him meant absolutely nothing to him at all - in his mind he's not exploiting anyone, it's just the way that the world is. Personally I could not live off of other people's hard earned money, but he does and what I am saying to you is that wealth really does do thins to the person's mind that may seem really strange to us but that make sense to them. I also once worked for another millionaire who had no friends at all. Every now and then I used to buy him a sandwich for his lunch or take him out for a coffee. He absolutely loved the feeling that someone would do this for him just because they liked him - and I did in a way, I definitely didn't do it to get a pay rise! I felt oddly sorry for him - despite his millions he was one of the loneliest people I've ever come across.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Another couple of thoughts here.
First, never assume that you can make calculations of what other people have got in their pockets. I am going to a wedding in a month or so, and this couple too asked for money toward their honeymoon. I am very close to the bride's mother who is not only a friend but also someone who did me a big favour in the past. So I was willing and prepared to be not just generous but lavish in my gift. Only, between when I got the invitation and now, it happened that I had to pay 5000 euros for totally unexpected , urgent expenses - which shook up my budget quite a bit. So, sorry but necessarily now my wedding gift will have to be much more modest. Too bad, but stuff happens.
Second, also do not presume to know the " right " way how other people should spend their money. They may have different values , theories and habits as valid as yours. Sure, instinctively I am on your side , I want to say : eeew what a couple of cheapskates. I am a type of person that, if I had double the income I have got, I just would spend it all to live twice larger. But I DO have friends who have double my income and they spend just like me or even less. It's not a given for everybody that , if you CAN afford to spend money , then you HAVE TO . There's plenty of affluent people who don't see why they SHOULD buy wine at 50 euros a bottle when the 10 euros is nice enough. Or going to a 300 euros hairdresser when the 50 euros does a decent job anyway. Etc. etc. It's not because people CAN spend that they feel they SHOULD spend. You can call them cheapskates or tightwads , you can call them frugal , prudent, rational.. eventually it's just a matter of subjective points of view .
Third, I feel your intense anger is misplaced, even supposing they owed you a gift, they did not owe you cash. A wedding gift list, or a request for a contribution in cash, is always only a suggestion, that they are free to follow or not. You have got your gift- you say yourself it's nice, new, unused , and of a certain commercial value - you've got your due. WHERE the gift comes from, if it is a family heirloom, or won at a raffle, or stolen from a china store... it is not really your concern. You expected a gift, and they came up with a gift , end of story.
Said that, yes of course I think too that regifting is tacky ! So, what you want do to ? You want to call them out on their tackiness ? You want to tell them in their faces " I think you two are a couple of uncouth rubes " ?.
Sure, go ahead if you want to alienate and antagonize them. But there's no need for that- if the transgression in your eyes is so big that you can't be friends with people like that , just discontinue the friendship after the wedding, stop inviting them, refuse their invitations, etc. If it is not that big, and you are resigned to the fact that nobody is perfect and even your friends have flaws, and other than being tacky regifters they are bascally good people- just drop it. Let it go.
I understand that you want to have your " gotcha ! " moment, and I am sure you WOULD have it, you' d cause some embarassment and awkwardness in them , because if they are like the majority of people , they are closet regifters, they did not want you to know that it was a re-gift, they wanted to hide that.
But please realize that technically, there's no " gotcha " , because you were not entitled to cash- or even to a gift per se , as for that. It's a custom, a tradition, a SOCIAL obligation- not a breach of law. If these people had nerve enough , they could just deadpan, lift an eyebrow and tell you " so ? Is it a problem ?... Remind me, do we OWE you something ?..." They could turn the tables on you and make you look greedy and entitled.
Finally, the fact that you CHOSE to spend a lot of money on their wedding is neither here nor there. You wanted to go and you spent money for the pleasure of being there. You could have declined if you felt that it was too much hassle ,or too many expenses ( Personally, I would not attend a wedding that involves hotel costs even if it was my SON's wedding. Like I said, I am a spender but I have got better uses for my money. But, again, that's a matter of personal CHOICES and preferences. ). They did not MAKE you go ; they invited you, and you decided to attend.
And lastly- come on, bride , you just got married ! You've got a brand new husband, you just got back from your honeymoon ! This is a time for being happy, excited and elated- not to get mad over flutes and stuff ! life is short, pick your moodspoilers wisely. At least , you got yourself a funny story to tell your grandchildren " Would you believe it, when I got married there were these two cheap, rich friends of ours who... "
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): Okay, a couple of things:First of all, I don't know if you say , when your friends have money, that they are very wealthy...it's not clear what this means. However, wealthy people often have a VERY different mindset in regard to money. a. It's never mentioned - it's considered VERY bad manners to mention money at all. b. wealthy people very often want to be reassured that people want to be friends with them just for themselves and not for their money. c. wealthy people are often riddled with guilt and insecurities and contradictions about their ethical values and so on - I have some incredibly wealthy friends who will buy stuff from charity shops because (to my mind but not theirs) they are actually feeling extremely confused and guilty about the fact that the guy is making millions from his banking career whilst their friends around them are still living very impoverished lives AND they don't fit into the banking culture.Also, I personally would NEVER ask for money as a wedding gift or for anything else. I know one woman who did this and some people actually gave her nothing at all - this is because she is not a nice person, very, very controlling and her wedding was so over-controlled that people ended up feeling used - and were reluctant to give her money because they just felt like part of a 'scheme' on her part, to use them without thinking about their pleasure or comfort at all on the day. It's possible that there's a much bigger picture to what's going on with this gift. Maybe they are questioning their own values, or yours. Your ANGER about the situation won't help anything - if you just release it either directly or indirectly then it will mean drama and losing the friendship. If you can set aside your anger - genuinely - then you could take your friend to one side and simply talk it through with them or with her alone - just ask, but in a way that conveys you are puzzled rather than angry - "we got this gift from you and it's obviously recycled and we are just a bit puzzled about it - is everything okay with you guys? Were you trying to say that you disagreed with me asking for money?" If you value them as friends then you will value a discussion of this kind with them, regardless of how difficult it may be. So very often we fall out with people or resent them for years simply because we don't know the bigger picture. Once you have their reasons, you can discuss it with them and decide what to do. You really never know - there answers may surprise you and bring you closer. I've done similar things myself and it has honestly worked miracles and brought me closer to people - it's not easy, and you have to set aside your anger (but that doesn't mean become a passive pushover). You have to want to know their reasons and if you genuinely do then it will come across that way and that you care and want to understand, rather than blame.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): At least they gave you a gift. My husbands brother didn't bother. And this is family we are talking about.
Just because someone looks well off doesn't mean they are. My husband and I make plenty of money. But we also have student debt and family members to take care of. I wouldn't spend 100$ on my best friends wedding gift because we can't afford it. At thing point they'd be lucky to even get a gift. Because we can't afford it. Remember you never know someone's financial situation. Looks can be very deceiving.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Well, it's pretty tacky to ask for money (IMHO) but... it's even more tacky to regift things (and not even bother checking the box).
Now, IF yo uwant drama and lose some good friend, then tell them.
If you don't, then let it go.
If you can't use the flutes, then sell them if you can.
As silly as it might sound, because I don't believe in tit for tat... I would however, be spending a LOT less on presents where they are concerned in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): I had similar situation with many friends and even family, and though I never told them, I started giving them gifts like they were giving me, thoughtless, inexpensive. I still remember all the ocassions where we gifted generously and whenit was time for us to receive a gift we were giving something so insignificant that at times I had the urge to say something. One I remember particularly. We were very young and penniless. Our daughter was 3. There was our friends daughter's birthday who was a bit older than my daughter. We went to pick a gift for her, and I saw a lovely set. The price was 30$. At that time for us it was worth my whole day of working. But because we thought we were such good friends, I convinced my husband to spend this kind of money. When my daughter's birthday came only one month later, they came 3 of them without a gift saying that they had no time to buy it , but within a week she will do it. Few months passed, and suddenly she stops by my house with a little bag. She said she finally remembered to bring my daughter a present. When she left I opened it, and I couldn't help myself but laugh. There was a plastic imitation of a phone. It was just a 2$ miniature phone that you buy at discount stores. When I showed it to my daughter, she looked at it and said, it's ugly I don't want to play with it. When my husband came home he got pissed, and since the hour relationship deteriorated. Besides there were plenty of other incidents. I wouldn't not tell them. They knew exactly what they were doing, but the card was not ment to be there. They knew ou asked for money, and the only reason they didn't give you money is because they didn't want to. Just put them on a certain shelf, and if they are fun to go out with just use them for that
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 I agree that you will make an ongoing issue of this so if it was me in your situation I'd just let it go because what good will come of it anyway? It will just mean embarrassment on their parts and perhaps a small petty argument here and there. If you do let them know then as was already mentioned, just hand back the card. Otherwise, just accept that they are some cheap ass friends who regift stuff they don't want to people they are supposed to like. I myself don't mind being regifted . . . Some people just don't like certain things and think gosh so and so would like something like this, why not let them have it. Besides, regardless of the fact that you already have a set, you did say its a nice gift though. I say if you want to let them know then do, but please don't make a mountain of a mole hill.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (27 July 2014):
I wouldn't say anything if I were you. While I agree with you that it's a bit tacky to give a recycled gift, especially to a good friend, if I'm honest I also don't like this new fashion of people asking for money either. My cousin did that too, and it just seemed a bit entitled to ask for the cash rather than letting someone choose a gift for you. I also felt that there was pressure to give more in money than I'd have spent on a present because it's very clear how much is given.
I'm not trying to criticise you, but maybe your friends felt that way too? I know a lot of my cousins guests did. Granted it's a bit hypocritical of your friends if they registered for expensive gifts, but at the same time you didn't have to spend as much on them either. Registering or asking for specific gifts/money doesn't automatically mean you are entitled to get them. At the end of the day, a gift is just that and people can choose to give you whatever they feel is appropriate.
I think if you do say something to them, they will take it as you saying you think you deserved a better gift than they gave you, which is a bit of an entitled attitude and will almost definitely cause an argument. I'd be pretty disappointed if I gave a gift and the person I gave it to complained that it wasn't good enough for them. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give a recycled gift, but at the end of the day, they might feel that the value of those glasses is as much as they were willing to spend on you, and just because they didn't pay for them themselves doesn't mean they are worth any less.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 If you wish to make an on going issue of this; by all means return the card to them Friday night after dinner; or invite them back after dinner to your place for some Champagne… at the end of the evening, simply say there was something left in the box that belongs to them; hand over the card and leave it at that. They’ll understand that you wish to bring your point home to them, that they recycled and you don’t care for their friendship!?
Sadly this calculating that's been done, as to how much you spent on them verses them on your wedding gift is indeed tacky…? Look how much you’ve spent, while they skimped (recycled) when you know they could afford giving money as requested. Was it mandatory to spend over $110: was it compulsory to gift money?
I’m not partial to calculating those comparisons, yet if that card was not in the box how would have felt receiving Champagne flutes and thought differently about your friends?
Clearly you like things equal otherwise you wouldn’t be so upset… I can only imagine when an occasion comes up for you to buy them a gift in the future that you will be conscious of this episode and give them a mere scratchy – Lotto ticket, cause they won’t deserve your generosity.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): I wouldn't bring the gift up to them because a lot of drama will ensue. If you aren't afraid of drama, then by all means be honest. However, that married couple will probably not take it well - when people feel like they're being attacked or cornered, they will retaliate. If you choose not to say anything but were personally very offended, then maybe you shouldn't attend the dinner. Maybe cut ties with them silently. I'm just wondering how close the friendship is. If you suddenly cut them out of your life, would they come knocking on your door asking what's wrong? Or, would they do just go with the flow? "in our invites we asked our guests if they wished to give us something then we'd appreciate money to put towards our honeymoon."You said, "if they WISHED to give us something." Was a wedding gift optional then? A guest could've opted not to give anything? I'm not trying to justify recycling gifts for a friend's wedding, especially someone you've known for so long. However, I wouldn't compare the effort and expenses you put into your friend's wedding to the recycled gift. No one forced you to attend the wedding and spend that much money. By not attending the wedding, it could definitely have strained the relationship, but maybe not. Maybe your friend doesn't value the friendship as much as you do.Also, maybe you could've been more specific about wedding gifts. Of course, no one expects to receive recycle gifts, but if you want to compare weddings against weddings, well your friend simply chose to be more specific about what she wanted and to be more extravagant. "Also I want to clarify that they do have money so it's not a case that they couldn't afford to gives us money for the honeymoon."Are they frugal people? Do they spend more on themselves than they would on others? Are they very busy people? Of course, the couple probably knew FAR in advance when the wedding was, but maybe they forgot and had to think up a quick gift. Again, doesn't justify the gift, but might shed light on how deep your friendship is. That's as much as I can say. I don't know that married couple and what they're like in real life. I am curious about what when through their head when they decided to re-gift something....Perhaps the friendship doesn't run as deep as you initially thought. Or maybe, the couple is lacking in sense....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): Yes absolutely let them know u know about it. I'd hand the card over at dinner and say hey u left this inside our wedding gift.... or text and say the same thing / something similar. But yea I'd defo be letting them know u know
...............................
|
