A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 and a half years. Things have always been good. Recently we've both been busy with work but I've found I'm seeing my boyfriend less and less. He plays football for a local club and trains with them Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays. So ive recently been seeing him Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. However, now he's been doing plumbing jobs outside of work for his family. So I haven't seen him on those days, so it's been causing arguments as I'm see him for one evening a week. It was my 21st birthday last weekend and he did make the effort to spend the whole weekend with me but this week he hasn't seen me at all as his only free days he has either been in doing extra jobs and then arranged to have a night out with his friends on Friday. He told me he had booked a suprise weekend away for me. However that changed to only Saturday night and he didn't spend Sunday with me either. I left some items of clothing in the hotel room and they asked for our booking number, I accessed his email account to get this and discovered he had in fact booked for us to go to London for the whole weekend but had cancelled it last minute on Thursday and booked for a different hotel for one night in our local area. I feel gutted that he cancelled the weekend away and have no idea why he would do this? He went out with his friends Friday night instead so that's the only reason I can think why he would cancel it. Should I say something? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 ... Because he is overcommitted, overextended, overworking and is tryng to fit everything in his life and make everybody happy. Including his friends and himself, why not. His gf is important ( and he did made the effort to spend your whole birthday weekend with you ) but friends are important too at his age ( and at any age ).
If he trains 3 days a week, and 3 days he works and has got other stuff to do other stuff, and Sunday is for you- when is he going to have a nice comfy chat and a couple of beers with the boys ?.
So, yes, probably his friends called him and came up with something last moment... he will have said first " no I can't I already have plans ".. and eventually he will have relented and yielded to temptation :). I think your surmise is correct, but... is it that terrible ? Yes I get it, you are his partner and the woman he supposedly loves, you should come first and foremost always. But... he is a YOUNG man, with quite a lot on his plate atm, and you expect him to live as not even a 40something husband does : work, duty and obligations first - and any free second he's got, at home with wifey . This would become a stressed out hubby. Man is a social animal who also needs , occasionally, the company of his peers . Your bf must have thought that he did good on your birthday weekend , timewise, so he could take a breather with pals and share his time equally between them and you the following weekend.
Why did he not just come up and say that, it would have been more honest. Because that's exactly what you had been arguing lately- your " exposure " time. There has ben a tug of war, a push and pull, the less time he has to give the more you clamour for attention and stomp your feet. He must have thought : enough of that please.
Not that I do not understand your frustration, you are young , in love, and what's the point of having a bf if then you have always to sit home alone. I can see that. But- caution though . If this is just a temporary situation, I'd weather it out, I'd have some patience. You don't want to end up feeling to him, like another OBLIGATION, another thing he MUST fit in his schedule otherwise he gets yelled at. Ideally he should be coming to you because he wants , and he misses you, - not because you make him punch the clock " hey it's 3 p.m. Sunday, it's GF's time !"
I am not telling you to accept neglect or indifference, and if his not having time for you becomes chronical, it's time to renegotiate the rules, or maybe even to jump ship. But if it is going to be just a period of weeks or months, and all in all yours is a good, happy relationship, a bit of flexibility ( and of independence on your side ) goes a long way...
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 July 2014):
 He spent the whole of the previous weekend with you, I assume he bought you a present too as you don't mention he didn't.
He took you for a night in a Hotel as a treat this weekend.
I would say he has done pretty well as birthdays go.
So he went out with his friends on Friday, he is allowed 'me time'. Maybe finances meant he couldn't afford to take you away for more than one night, even if he wanted to. Or had other priorities - like himself.
Your both very young and have been together for 4 years already. Your both maturing too but at the same time need your own space to grow and have some fun and life-experience.
Don't tell him you saw the email or feel bad you only had one night away. He did ok in my book.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): Four years together is a long time for two people only between 18-21.
It's almost like being married. You both should be enjoying life and having some fun at such a young age. Not trying to act like a couple of married-people.
I agree, he should have put you first on your birthday. He is trying to please everyone, and himself.
I wouldn't bring up what you found on his e-mail account. I would recommend that you instead ask that he offer you a whole weekend together; because you enjoyed yourself so much, you feel your birthday weekend was too short. See what his reaction will be? If he makes excuses not to do it,
take notice of the fact. He's getting itchy.
Be honest and tell him you miss spending time with him.
He works, he plays ball, he's out with his mates. Just a little more time with you is all you ask.
Now I want to suggest that you remember that people your age living like a married-couple will soon make one, or both of you, feel cramped. He may be getting antsy and feeling weighed-down too early in his life.
He has probably been your boyfriend since he was 14 or 15. That means he hasn't really had much time just to be a "boy." He's been like your husband. You're both too young for that. You're struggling to keep it going on forever. That may not happen. People your age are supposed to be dating different people, having fun, and enjoying your freedom to explore. If you hold-on too tight for too long; Nature has her way of cutting it short. It's for your own benefit. It's to allow for your growth and development into mature adults. Otherwise, you'll remain sheltered in a relationship; while life and reality passes you by. You are not always destined to marry your first true-love. Which may be your goal. That's a pretty common goal for young women your age.
You need friends and growing space too. You live for your relationship, and he's trying to recapture some of his freedom, and sow a few wild-oats. You both need to remember what it's like to be carefree. You'll both look back someday, and wonder where your youth went?
So much is demanded of his time. There is only one of him to go around. He shouldn't have cut your birthday weekend together so short; but he wanted some time for himself too.
The way he went about it was kind of under-handed and cheesy. So your feelings about it are more than justified.
Don't let on that you snooped. He'll just get angry. All you want is to spend more time with him. So ask him to give you a full weekend away together. If he is edging you out of his time; then maybe you should consider moving on. It wouldn't hurt you to see other people, and to be single for a bit.
You haven't had any experience with different personality-types, you are too emotionally-dependent on him, and he seems to be inching away from you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Im wondering why, after 4 years, you aren't more committed? Not living together, or have any plans of moving in? Maybe the relationship has run its course, and he's pulling out. He isn't that interested in spending time with you any longer, and it appears you don't do sleep overs. Not sure though if this is because of religious reasons, or because something else. But it is strange that the two of you don't meet more often than once a week, even if he has jobs and practice etc. He'll still have his evenings free even if he works/has practice, and you could have sleepovers in the weekends, and even if he has practice in the weekend it doesn't take ALL day. I don't understand why this is a reason to not see each other, so the only explanation must be that he doesn't think it's that important to see you often. Which leads me to think his heart isn't in this relationship.
I know you were young when you got together as your age bracket says 18-21- but four years is still a lot of time. Enough to know one another. His heart just doesn't seem to be in it.
Why cancel the weekend plans? Because he probably didn't feel like spending the whole weekend away with you after all, and thought a day would suffice. I can't see any other reason. But you should ask him, just to at least hear what he has to say. But my ex was like this, he would not see me often, and he always excused himself with not needing to see me much, but rather wanting to spend quality time with me. Quality over quantity. But please, in order to keep a relationship alive you actually DO need to see one another. At least I needed more than once a week, yet he never had the time for me. Makes you wonder, if the truth isn't that he just doesn't want to see you that much, his heart isn't in it. Maybe some people don't need to see their partner that often, but I do, and I can't be in a relationship with someone who thinks once a week is enough. I get a feeling you're not happy about it either. If that's the case, then this relationship isn't for you, because you will just be miserable.
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A
female
reader, -BMBTL- +, writes (27 July 2014):
 Don't say anything then he'll know you've read his emails, which he won't like, and feel like you're "spying on him".
The only reason, as you say, is because he went out wit his friends, surely he had enough money as he had booked it already, and you normally won't get refunded anyway unless it was a 'flexible' rate booking.
I think he should have spent the whole weekend with you, but ask him why the plans changed and see what his answer is then let me know :)
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