A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a jerk and very careless with money! I don't even know where to start!!!Ok, I've taken a few deep breaths and I think I'm ready to explain. My husband is very naïve when it comes to all things money.For example, he wants to take out a loan to remodel the house when only one of us is working and barely making it as it is. Not to mention that his job is not guaranteed. Also, he's thinking of taking a $2,000 deep sea fishing trip! He just mentioned to me that he wants to buy season tickets to his favorite football team too! OMG! He is driving me insane! We need a car, we don't need to be spending money on things like this. Also, I was on the phone with him just a few minutes ago and I lost service. He immediately called me back and he WARNED me that if I ever hung up on him again he would divorce me. Frankly, all I wanted to say was NOT IF I DIVORCE YOU FIRST!!! Gosh, can you tell why I'm angry already? I'm only 26 and he's 30. We've been married for 3 years and I'm honestly thinking it was a HUGE mistake to get married with him. To add on top of everything else, he's such a Debbie Downer! Every word that comes out of his mouth is negative. I'm not kidding either. I feel like he's really bringing me down as I'm sure he feels the same way about me. Any advice for you seasoned married folks out there? What should I do? I find myself biting my tongue every time he opens his mouth. I am so annoyed with him. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as him. I did not imagine my marriage would turn out like this. We don't have any kids and I even hate to mention this, but should I run before it's too late??? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!
View related questions:
divorce, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): You have described my Fiance, and I can only bet he was that way at your husbands age too. No, they don't change *unless they want to*. Until they are held accountable. Until someone teaches them how to budget money. I knew what I was getting into, but man it's been tough and very frustrating to say the least. I know my Fiance wants to change and he wants to do better, but sadly nobody taught him what or how to do it. I have worked extremely hard to work on this and it took almost a year for it to finally click with him. He slips now and then, but I hold him accountable and do not let it slide when it comes to money and what our budget is and what our money goals are down the road. Sometimes being a very budget concious person can be very helpful to the careless and irresponsible with money person.Anyway, one thing first. Both of you STOP threatening divorce whenever there is an argument, disagreement or whatever. Those words should never be spoken unless you actually mean them and intend on following through on it. First and foremost, the two of you need to sit down and make a pact never to say that anymore. That is very damaging to a relationship. Have your disagreements like mature adults and fight fair. Easier said then done, but you both need to work on it.Second, since the two of you did not discuss your spending/saving lifetstyle before you got married, you need to deal with it now. You need to sit down and write out a budget. What $ you have coming in and what you can actually spend. Perhaps you need to go out and find a job if having a little bit more disposable income/savings is what you both want.Make sure that you have an account that is in both your names for paying bills. X amount of money must go into the joint account a month to pay x amount of bills each month. And then make sure you have an account in both your names only. You need to have an "oh shit" account that you can build up to at *least* 6 months of money incase something should happen...job loss, serious repairs, etc.Make it clear that he is accountable for his own account. Another words, if he wants to go on a deep sea fishing trip, he needs to find out what that will actually cost in total and how much he will need to save up to do it. And if that means, taking his lunch or whatever for the next couple months or so to do it, then he will do it. If a loan in what he is thinking, he needs to figure out how much it will cost to pay back that loan each month, for how long and if you can afford the payments on top of what you already need each month. Also make it clear, that he cannot short change or swap money that is for bills for what he wants. Bills and savings come first, then extras. Just a basic budget plan, but whatever you choose, it needs to be in black and white and numbers crunched. Don't get yourself into debt because loans and credit card offers look good. Before you know it, you are in over your head.Call him out on the Debbie Downer crap. I did. I simply could not stand it anymore...cripes sake, there must be something good going on. How was your day today? Oh, it was a nightmare....blah, blah, blah....after a while I want to slit my wrists...over exaggerated "my life just sucks every day" no matter who asks him or who he's talking to. Gotta reprogram them lol... Make them point out 5 positive things that happened that day, make them see that the co-worker disagreement wasn't a nightmare, but watching him get into a car accident and dying would have been a nightmare. And when there is something really bothering them, something they are struggling with, that's entirely different and you are there to lend an ear and be supportive, but enough of the male drama, it's not becoming, at all. Talk to him about it when you are not ready to knock his head off when it starts spilling out of him. Explain that whether he realizes it or not, he's doing it and when he is home, you are happy to see him and be with him, and when he starts talking like that you go from being in a good mood and happy to him putting you in a bad mood and unhappy in seconds flat. His misery is looking for company, and all you want to do is get away from it. He needs to know how it impacts you and how it makes you feel around him when he acts/talks like that. Committement requires working through the tough stuff and not running when it happens. You got married for a reason and hopefully that was because you love each other. Money can be a real issue in a marriage, but you can work on it together and find a solution if you are both willing to do it for the sake of your marriage. And he can also learn to stop being a male drama queen too.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Yes... it WAS a mistake to marry this man-child who hasn't figured out that he can't put his hand out to "Daddy" and get an advance on his allowance to fund his each-and-every whim.....
That said, say a gracious "Thank you" to the Good Lord, that you don't have children to complicate this matter... and get away from him and make a good ('way better) life for yourself in the future....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Money management is a sore point in many marriages. If one partner is the better manager it’s incumbent on the person with bad money skills to give the reins over to the better manager. I SUCK at money management. My new hubby and I have worked out a plan that works FOR US but may not work for others. I earn the bulk of our money. I pay the bills out of our joint account. IF I wish to purchase something not regularly scheduled I ask him first if I can buy it. I would say that 98% of the time he says I can. EVERY Friday we get home from our jobs and we share all our receipts from the week. Some weeks I cringe at this because I usually have more receipts that him since I pay for all the groceries and household items.
BECAUSE I KNOW I am so horrid with money issues, I am grateful that he’s in control of our finances. I am able to have full access to all our accounts now knowing that I have to answer to him keeps me in check. This may not work for all couples and it may be hard for a man to “give up his say” to his wife, but if he’s aware there is a problem, then maybe he will be ok with this solution.
Do you two have a written budget? If not that’s the first thing you must do, sit down with him and list all your expenses. List all your income and compare them. IF there is spare cash, then yes figure out what extras are the most important and go for them. If he can’t see that the outgo has to be less than the income, then you have a problem that may or may not be resolvable.
If he can admit he has a problem (does he have ADHD or learning disabilities by any chance?) and is willing to work with you on these things, then it may be fixable.
Is there a reason you are not working? Are you looking for a job? If not, that would be step one.
What made me ask about the ADHD was his reaction to your phone call getting dropped. My husband over-reacts to things sometimes and I have learned to just let him calm his cranky self down before I even try to explain to him why he’s wrong. If you were talking to him and you lost service and the conversation was not a fight, then he over-reacted. I would have said just what you thought… take the wind out of his sails so to speak.
It sounds to me like money is tight and that’s affecting everything and everyone…
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Get yourself a job, get your ducks in a row and divorce him, he will NOT change.
He isn't naïve about money, he is careless.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): Just to add, having a job and your own money would make leaving 10 times easier if that's eventually what you decide. I really do think your whole outlook in this marriage would change if you had your own money coming in. At the moment you're relying on the money from a guy whose spending habits you don't agree with, no one would be happy living like that but you can change that without losing a marriage that may become good again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): Have you talked to him and told him how you feel about all this? I don't mean had a go at each incident, have you sat him down and told him your marriage is in trouble and told him why?
That's the first thing you should do. Try and work this out OP. You talk about running but you don't talk about how you've tried to resolve this.
For me sitting him down and telling him things are fucked right now would be the first step, if it doesn't get resolved that way then marriage counselling is the next step I'd try.
OP running away is what cowards do. You married him for a reason, surely at one time he was a man you wanted to spend your life with then maybe that man has just become hidden under depression or stress or something else.
OP try and work things out, and you know what try and find a job. I don't mean that in a "contribute to society" bullshit way. I mean maybe part of the problem is that you don't have your independence financially, don't have your own money to spend and resent that he has money to blow on luxuries for him but you don't. Now I agree that any money coming into a marriage should be shared but you think you need a car and he thinks he needs a holiday. So get yourself a job OP so you can have your own holidays, buy your own car. Have some freedom to be your own woman too, you know?
If money is a problem OP then a job is the solution.
...............................
A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (25 April 2013):
You are very unhappy. Threatening to divorce you because the line dropped is ludicrous at best. There is something else festering. People do not divorce because of a dropped call.Be 100% honest with yourself and then sit him down and explain what you think and feel. If there is improvement that you are satisfied with, then perhaps you can work it out.
...............................
A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (25 April 2013):
 A few issues core issues for long term couples: Sex, money, and energy level. There are more, but these three are critical. When you have agreement in one of these areas, you have an asset. Where you strongly disagree, you carry a real burden.
In general, I advise against marrying anyone you don't have all three assets with. However, some couples do learn to navigate strong differences. It requires a lot of work, and potentially years of maturing.
At the very least, you must agree on a budget together. Spending $2000 on a trip when you have no job stability, and no car is not sensible.
...............................
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (25 April 2013):
The vast majority of all divorces are money related issues. You aren't alone. Often times one spouse is frugal and the other isn't. Unfortunately, even if you both get good jobs and work, this will always be an issue unless he changes his behavior. Keep in mind that even rich people can overspend their budgets on yachts, etc. There is always something for someone to spend more money on. Given that he has an abusive pattern to his behavior (threatening to divorce over cell reception is manipulative) I would seriously consider divorce. Here's the thing though: Every marriage has its issues, divorce is not a magical cure-all. The next man you find will have his own set of special problems. We aren't perfect. If you think you can work through this with him then by all means stick with it!
...............................
|
