A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently posted regarding my problem, that is, I have very strong feelings for a married female co-worker. I got the expected responses (i.e. stay away from her!!!) but my feelings persist. I simply cannot stop thinking about her. I won't bore everyone with the usual details (i.e. she's smart, funny, cute, winning personality).Then I read a response to a similar question. in pertinent part, the writer advised as follows:"This part is important. Some of the other replies mention the word respect. It is used in the context of the third person respecting the others marriage and your decision about how to proceed. I'd argue that the third player in this game doesn't know anything about respect. If you have respect for someones marriage, you keep your thoughts and actions to yourself. That is respect. In reality, the third person should not be there in the first place, his opinion is at the bottom of the list. Giving a married person clues that you're interested in playing the game should never happen if a person has morals or integrity"This seems like wise advise. I liked the way he equated keeping these kinds of feelings to oneself with "respect." But what about "respect" for one's own feelings? We don't choose to be attracted to people. It just happens. When it does, should we just dismiss these feelings under the aegis of "respect" ?I mean, maybe she made the wrong choice. Maybe I'm the one she should be with. It sometimes takes guts and unbelieveable nerve to take a chance in matters of the heart. Maybe she's a chance worth taking, even though she's married. I haven't told this girl how I feel. I doubt she feels the same about me (but I've never been good at reading women, so who can tell). In truth, I just want to get her out of my mind, because I do have alot of "respect" for who she is and her marriage. But a part of me won't stop nagging, telling me that she could bring so much happiness into my life, and that I could do the same for her. I'm in my early thirties, and I've only felt this way once or twice before in my life. I think I need to do something more than just have feelings for her. I need to act, spend time with her, something. I've lost track of where I'm going with all this. Maybe I'm just rambling to a bunch of complete strangers to get these feelings out into the open before they consume me any further. I'd love to hear some thoughts on all this. Some have told me to leave my job, but I've invested too much time and effort in it to simply pick up and leave. And, as I said, my feelings are too strong. I just cannot run away from this girl. Is there any way that I can "respect" both her and my feelings for her? Sorry for writing so much, and thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): Ok, your comment that alchohol is my favorite pasttime...you are 30 - 35, you are not a kid anymore....you are on the road to becoming an alchoholic in your later years, if you drink now to get drunk and take the edge off so you can be the life of the party, then you have an alchohol dependency, and alchoholism sneaks up on you over time, that is why they call it a progressive disease. If you drink to excess as a form of entertainment, you are damaging your liver and kidneys, and that leads to heart problems....alchoholism also robs the body of important nutrients, and kills bone marrow cells, which can lead to lukemia....I can hear you say, we all die of something, how about chosing just old age, and having your health until the end AND NOT PURPOSELY HARMING YOURSELF by your own choosing?
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 It sounds like yo have a plan. Those office drinking get togethers are notorious for fanning the flames on an ugly situation like this.
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A
male
reader, guyinNY +, writes (6 July 2007):
I'm the original poster. Yeah, what happened to flowergirl is pretty f'ed up. I guess when you get caught up in your own feelings you lose sight of all the damage you can cause.I guess I'll just ride this out, avoid her as much as possible, and let the feelings run their course. Hopefully they'll pass. My biggest fear is when she, myself, and the rest of our co-workers go out drinking. Her husband is never there, and i get a little too friendly when I drink. I can already hear the responses: "So don't go drinking!!!" Easier said than done. Alcohol is my favorite pastime, and the thought of an opportunity to hang out with her in a social setting is enticing. I'll have to drink less and try not to be the life of the party.This is all stupidity on my part. Nothing will happen. I guess i just needed to air my thoughts and get some sensible advice, which all of you have given me. Thanks. Maybe I'll post again if I get carried away by any dumb thoughts.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Wow flowergirl I am sorry to hear about your story!
When your ex-husband comes crawling back to you I hope you have a sufficiently healthy sense of self-esteem to crush him like the worm he is.
To the poster of the question: If you want to know what damage a homewrecker can do, speak to flowergirl. She's been on the wrong end of the wrecking ball.
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Me and my husband own a coffee shop he works there i don't, a year ago a women that had been going in there was going through marriage difficulties, and talked to my husband about it, she knew full well he was married and had a young daughter yet she decided she wanted him and done everything in her power to make sure she got him, she showed no respect for herself she has at the moment got what she wanted but my husband has lost all his friends in this process and they stay in on their own because no body wants to associate with them because of what they have done.
You might not care about this information but i'm telling you because if this women had any respect for any one herself included she would not have wrecked a marriage and she would have stayed away.
And before anyone says anything i know it takes two to tango.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (5 July 2007):
 "Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she is with the wrong person and should really be with me." Yea, maybe. But if she made a mistake in choosing her husband, it is not your problem to solve. If she were to leave her husband because she were unhappy and it was what she needed to do, then she would be single and you could persue her. But to even attempt to get her to leave FOR you is just beyond wrong. If she is in the wrong relationship she always has the choice to leave, she does not need you to give her that choice, she already has it. If she is in a happy relationship then all you are going to do is confuse her and possibly destroy something wonderful. Do you really want to be responsible for that? As much as you would like to think that your feelings are noble and true, if you truly cared about this woman you would not meddle with her happiness. You are being very very selfish.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 July 2007):
 I don't think you have an option here. I stand by my previous advice...leave your job find another. You will only drive yourself crazy by seeing her all the time. The only way for you to find any relief from this deadend obsession is distance. Of course you may like the misery.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (5 July 2007):
The feedback loop in which you find yourself is pretty rotten.
You're still rationalizing your feelings towards this woman, which in turn consumes you further emotionally. Nothing that you have stated in your follow up(s) indicates that you have the will power to get out of the feedback loop.
For you, only distance will get you out of the feedback loop. Lack of distance only invites temptation. You seem unwilling to control your feelings for this married woman, so how does staying close to her help you to get over them?
We hear what you are saying all too clearly, and it appears that your inner voice has been damaged by this experience. Get out before you do something you will regret. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (5 July 2007):
I'd like to add one more point to my previous reply......
Let's assume you made your thoughts known to this woman. She left her husband and went with you. You eventually married and had kids. As a loving spouse, you encouraged your wife to work,travel and enjoy life, as we should. Part of a relationship is to get pleasure from our partners experiences. Now, here's the big question. Would you want your wife associating with a guy like you? I don't think so. The reason is this, as much as we try to be open minded and encourage our spouse to experience life, we know there are sharks in the water. People who are married resent this. As married people, we hope that others respect the relationships we spend time building. In the end, there is a correct way and an incorrect way to do things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007): I agree with all of the responses below, especially about the one where you could get into serious trouble at work, telling this woman what you want from her is really inappropriate, and that brings me to my point....your feelings come from your thoughts to a large degree, when you met her, you allowed yourself to want her and to think of her as someone you could have a real relationship with, you should have never allowed that thought to enter into your mind, friends only, hands off, she is married, and you could have enjoyed knowing her just on that basis, now you have created an obsession in your head that will go unrequited, and this longing you are mistaking for your feelings for her....go out and fulfill the need for love and companionship with a single woman who is available and capable of satisfying those feelings and longing in you...good luck on your search.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 No, pal, there is NO way to respect this marriage and your feelings, too.
You mention a point that is way, way important: You don't think she shares your feelings. You also say you have never been good at reading women. Well, then, proceed as reason demands: you don't think she shares your feelings, so don't make YOUR feelings known to her. Who knows, you might misread a friendly gesture. We men are prone to confuse friendship with attraction, and, if you're bad at reading signs, I just wouldn't take any chances.
If the woman in question were single and you didn't know her feelings for you, and, yet, you didn't know whether she had a boyfriend or not, well, then, it wouldn't be wrong to tell her how you feel. Some women might feel this to be inappropriate, though. So you always need to be careful and tactful. However, in this case you know the woman is married; this means she is unavailable. Period.
I do share your point: we don't choose who we are attracted to. But we do choose whether we do harm or not. You'd be harming this family if you gave in to your feelings. That would not be "respect" for anyone, but selfishness.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I do think you need to see things clearly.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (5 July 2007):
Hi there. I'm the person you're talking about, the one who responded about respect. I'd like to comment about respecting your own feelings.
The most important thing is to realize that although you have feelings, they're not good ones, with respect to her marriage. Just because you have these feelings does not mean they should be validated. I feel like I'd enjoy my neighbors car. Those are my feelings. Is it mine to steal? Of course not. That would be wrong. He'd have no car and would be very upset.
Just because you want something does not mean it's yours to take, at any cost. You're looking for reasons to validate a poor choice. Would it be a morally, socially acceptable thing for you to create an opportunity for pain and suffering in this womans family? Should you take steps to break up the family unit her husband and children know?
Even if you caught her at a weak moment in her marriage, would it be kind of you to take advantage of that for your own interests. Not really.
So, you can have all the feelings you want, but you should not act on them or try to manipulate her in any way. That is the proper way to handle it. Again, it's not what you want but it's reality. If you really value relationships and what they stand for to the people in love, you'll also understand why you should stay away. People who really value their partners strive to give them freedom to grow and experience life. Those people who wait in the shadows and attempt to break apart unions get no respect from me. I loathe them and how they attempt to create havoc for their own needs. You're entitled to have needs, just not at the cost of another man's happiness.
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