A
male
age
41-50,
*attUK
writes:I have been living with my girlfriend for 8 years now. She has 2 boys 10 and 12 years old that only really know me as their dad. We have had some rough times in the past, partly because she suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and partly because I have been guilty of taking her for granted at times.Even through these times we have remained together and I love her and she tells me she loves me.Where we differ however, is in our attitude to fidelity. I recently found out that she has had 3 affairs and 2 one night stands in the time that we have been living together. The last was about 2 years ago. When I confronted her about this she told me it was because I hadn't been showing her enough affection at the time. She also could not promise that it would never happen again, claiming that it was my actions that had made her do it. I also found out that she had been unfaithful in her 2 previous marriages.I always thought that if someone was unfaithful to me I would pack up and leave, but I still love her and the kids and have made her house my home (I moved in with her and rented my house). Life has been good for the past year or so and I don't want to leave and start my life all over again but I just don't know if I can carry on if there is not the absolute trust in the relationship. For the record, I have never been unfaithful to a partner. So hopefully you can see my dilemma, do I stick with her and hope that things work out in the future or cut my losses now and find someone whom I can trust 100%.I look forward to reading your comments.
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female
reader, Kalani  +, writes (26 July 2008):
Hi, Matt! I truely feel for you. I cried when I read your column. I am in a similar situation as you are, except mine is a marriage of 18 years and dating for 10 with same selfish, unfaithful husband. I, too, have two boys and I have been hanging on because of them. They need a father figure and he is an excellent father and a good provider.I think I fell in love with image first: surfer, musician, athlete, engineer, smooth talker and so on. I have seen the signs when we were dating. The biggest one was that he didn't want to get married. Why should he? He had me under thumb and we had sex almost everyday. We have sex regularly now,too, and now I don't want him to touch me because I'm finally realizing that sex isn't everything.( I'm going to check out STD in a few days.) How can he use me and lie to all the time? I'm his wife who was there for him when things got tough. I have never been unfaithful duing all these years.I just don't understand what's going through his head? I do get a lot of attentions from men and my friends and sisters think I should divorce him and move on. But, I am a weakling like you. It is so hard to do this. However, I need to live my life. I have lived my life for other people and protected my unfaithful husband from family and friends.I need strength to pull this situation together and make best of it. But a part of me is telling me I should make it with my husband until the boys (12, 16)turn 18 years old. Can I live with my husband with these uncertainties of my feelings? I can't sleep at night and I'm thinking too much. Best of luck to you, Matt! I believe you will pull though these tough times, and live for youself. As for me, if I do get a divorce, I will not date anyone for now, but develop friendships with decent men, somehow.Kalani
A
male
reader, MattUK +, writes (6 May 2008):
MattUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello oldfool.
Thanks very much for your kind words.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Matt, I just read your post and the comments. Hang in there mate! It's heartbreaking to think she was just using you and wasting your life as a "convenience".
As for the guy sitting on the sofa, well, just think, he's got to put up with this woman from now on! Wonder how long he will last.
Anyway, the weight is off your shoulders and you're free of this shameless user. The biggest losers are the most defenceless ones -- her poor kids. Hope you can keep contact with them. You're a guy with such a big heart, the kids will still love you, and you're certainly going to find someone decent out there who can really appreciate you.
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A
male
reader, MattUK +, writes (5 May 2008):
MattUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am currently writing this from a friends house where I am staying until I can find somewhere new. I moved some of my things out on Sunday morning but unfortunately there is just too much stuff for me to store here.2 hours later I went back round to get some more of my things and couldn't believe it when I found the new guy sitting there on my sofa.I haven't had a chance to speak to the kids about this and find out how they are feeling but I was totally shocked that she would have had him round to the house so soon after me going.I now truly believe I am better off without her, just hope that the kids will be OK with her erratic decisions and lifestyle.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I wish you the best on your fresh start. You will do just fine. I hope she will allow you to visit the boys on occasion. Please let us know how you are doing. You might want to check out some of the postings, I'm sure you can be of great help to another person going through the same kind of situation. Don't be a stranger!
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A
male
reader, MattUK +, writes (29 April 2008):
MattUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMe again.Well after returning from her trip to Paris she was particularly cold. Finally managed to get some time together to talk and she admitted that it was a relationship of convenience for her and that she was in love with someone else.So I have spent most of this evening starting to pack my stuff while the kids were out. I think and certainly hope that we will part on friendly terms but it is finally the end and I feel extremely relieved.I have been busy making plans for my fresh start and it's all quite exciting. It certainly feels like a weight has been lifted although its uncomfortable to be in the same house with her at the moment. I will miss the kids and the younger must sense something is wrong because he has been particularly affectionate the past 2 days.I am waiting for her to tell them before I speak to the kids and that will be the hardest part.Although I don't feel any great loss at the end of the relationship, I do feel emotional about leaving my home and the kids.Thanks for all your comments and good wishes.Hopefully I won't be posting anything similar in the future.Best wishesMatt
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A
male
reader, MattUK +, writes (26 April 2008):
MattUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate you taking the time to answer my posts. Your advice/comments are all adding to my resolve to get out of this relationship and start again. The actual logistics of it are a bit daunting at the moment but I know that you're right and I need to face up to it and get on with a new life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 April 2008):
She sure has an excuse for everything doesn't she?! Even blames you over and over again for her own decisions and actions. I agree with your friend, you need to get away from the psycho and maybe you will actually be doing her a favor. It may force her to face her own problems without being able to blame you for everything. Sorry about the kids however, but if she loves them she will allow you to visit with them.
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A
male
reader, MattUK +, writes (25 April 2008):
MattUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again. Just thought I'd give an update since my last post.
After the initial confrontation and discussion we had a couple of weeks of trying to go on as normal. Then last Saturday her morning trip to the gym turned out to be an all day outing. When I asked where she'd been she said she'd been for a bike ride and as it turned out this was with a guy from the gym. She'd also been back to his place for a shower but apparently nothing more as his kids were there.
I almost left there and then but we sat down to discuss things and she said that the initial confrontation was the catalyst for this latest event.
Later, while we were talking she dropped the bomb shell that she was also bulimic. Now depression is a problem for all of the women in her family, her mum and both sisters suffer from it. She claims to have been bulimic for almost 20 years which suggests it's not just an unhappiness with our particular relationship but some more fundamental depression.
She wants us to stay together and says that I'm a great father figure for the kids. She has also been acting as if nothing has happened, making plans for summer holidays, weekend trips etc.
I know I have to try and get her to talk to me about this but its difficult to find a time when the kids are not around or she is not "too tired".
For my own sanity, I have been looking at the logistics of moving out and buying a new house etc. However, with her recent revelation about her eating disorder and general depression I wonder what state she would get in to if I was not there to help with the kids and house.
I have spoken to a close friend who has been very supportive but only has my best interests at heart when he says "get out of there, have some fun, start a new life without the psycho".
I wish I could talk to her right now about it but she's in Paris for a couple of days for a school reunion. So, once again I am at home, alone, babysitting the kids.
I'm not sure quite why I am writing all of this other than therapy for me. I know in myself that I need to leave and get on with my life but 7 years still feels like a lot to give up on.
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A
male
reader, MattUK +, writes (8 April 2008):
MattUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. I think my decision would be much easier if things hadn't been going so well recently (at least until I found out). Now we are acting as if there was nothing wrong but my heart is telling me to be careful of any future hurt.
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A
male
reader, MattUK +, writes (8 April 2008):
MattUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI Baby duck.
Thank you for taking the time to answer. Since I found out about this I have been doing a little bit of digging. I feel rather guilty about about this but as she documented the infidelity on the computer I had the compulsion to look deeper. It seems that you are quite close to the mark with your observations. From reading a previous conversation with one of her friends it seems that she does have some deep seated problems and feels separated from her actions while being unfaithful but regret for them after the event.
It seems to be a control thing in some respects but the more I learn about her the more I realise that I don't really know the real women.
I feel like telling her that I cannot forgive what she has done but that I could try to forget it if I could give the reassurance that she would talk to me if she ever had the urge again. The problem being she would be guilty by default for just thinking it.
What hurts me most is that I still love her and feel weak because of it. I guess I also have my own insecurities and don't like the idea of being alone again.
While I have been writing, I notice that there have also been other replies. Apologies if I don't respond to all of them but thanks all the same for taking the trouble.
Why does life have to be so damn complicated?
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A
female
reader, vsnod +, writes (8 April 2008):
 It sounds like a really tough situation because of the kids involved. But I agree with the other comment, she needs to be faithful if this relationship is going to survive. If she doesn't understand that then I am afraid you should move on. Not only will there be no trust, but what about STDs? If there is a split, is there any way you could still visit with the kids?
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Maybe the very fact that you're asking the question answers the question you ask.I guess it comes down to how far you'll let it go. It seems obvious that she won't be faithful. Can you continue to handle that? And more to the point, even if you can, do you really want to?It's up to you dude, I reckon you know what you should do already tho'...
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